Redux – I’m Sorry – Again (Bipolar)

Bailey having a serious nap
“I’m sorry… again.” How many times have you said that or thought about saying it? If you’re like me, you do it a boatload.

So, my dear Reader, I’m sorry again. I begin writing and feel good about how the blog is going. Then “STUFF” happens and – I think you feel my pain.

Well, I think you probably understand. If you’re reading this and you have Bipolar Disorder or some similar struggle you probably understand. It’s like we all get to belong to this exclusive club where the membership fee is high (your life), and the code is an unending trauma. I have given it a name. This thing I’ve created is where I want to put all the things that I don’t think belong here. I want this place, to be honest, interesting, emotional, sometimes educational, and for sure always unique. You’ll hear from me very soon. Life is going to explode soon, and I think I’ll be better if I have more of my writing as a source of stability.

How’ve I been doing? Pretty darn good. I told my med provider that this last week. I told her I hadn’t felt this well in years.

Now, I last saw her in December so she has no idea what’s going on in my had. Maybe I had chocolate cake for breakfast or something. She doesn’t know. But, my saying I was doing pretty well extended my next visit to 6 to 8 weeks. 6 – 8 WEEKS!! And yet, I said that would be fine. Practically that night I had an explosion.

I rather prefer NOT to have explosions anymore thank you very much!

What have I been struggling with? Communicating with my family. We don’t understand how it’s done. It seems like everyone is expecting agent 99 to pop in with a decoder shoe at any time!

OMG – Okay. This afternoon I took a nap that lasted longer than an hour, and yet, I’m still so tired. I’m going to sleep now (here’s to hoping) and work on this

Until next time may you look up and see stars in the night sky. (Yow-zah! I just fell asleep sitting up again. Time for sleep for real. Good night my friends.

Robin, Un-niche-able

 

A Confession & Positive Med Visit

CONFESSION – Impact of Bipolar Mania – 
In the last few years, I’ve accumulated 15 websites, blogs and email accounts.

Yesterday I visited with my Med Provider Jamie. She finally heard me. She decided that my mood stabilizer wasn’t working, so she’s increased it and has me taking it twice a day instead of just once.

When I first got there, she started by saying that my counselor Arthur had told her that I really felt that she was doing me more harm than good in her treatment of me. I said yes, I felt that way. Then I explained why. I have been feeling at least as bad as I did when I wasn’t being treated at all with meds for my illnesses.

She also agreed to talk to my Chronic Pain Management guy about taking medications that it is strongly suggested that they not be taken at the same time. He didn’t agree with her stance on the subject. I want to mention that I’m almost completely off my pain meds now. (Boy am I feeling it.) I’ve done this so she’ll stop complaining that I can’t mix my meds (a Benzo and Oxycodone). The problem is, and I should have realized this before I lowered my pain meds, that at the clinic I go to they don’t want me taking the Benzo at all. I felt threatened when she informed me that some of the providers there would just cut me off right now. I responded by pointing out that she wasn’t doing anything about my super massive anxiety.

This last quarter I started having outbursts in one of my classes (4 times in one class the professor had to come and get the guy I was arguing with and myself to be quieter). It was humiliating.

I’ve also been experiencing rage. It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt this bad. I admit… I’ve been really scared that a meltdown is coming. Now that she’s adjusted my meds, I feel like things might get better.