House Hunting and Controlling Myself

My alarm actually went off at the correct time today. At first I didn’t understand why it was making all that noise. And why so early! Then I remembered, house hunting day #1! It was here! I rolled off my bed that is too high for me and landed with a little bobble on the floor, on both feet. I got ready for the day and went to meet my mom, who is buying the house as an investment. I’m going to be renting from her but I get to pick the house she’s going to buy. Kind of like a joint venture.

I tend to snap at my mom and not have a lot of patience with her. I remembered to use my common sense and took a chill pill as soon as I met up with her. The weather was wonderful, the warmest day we’ve had here since last October. It was perfect weather to view homes.

Knowing how easily I’m triggered and can fall into a bipolar episode I’m trying to be really careful and take my time getting to know how this whole process works of finding and buying a home works and am really being critical of the houses we look at. I want to be firm in my conviction that what house we pick will be the right one for me. That will help keep me stable.

I have to admit, that I’m feeling a little stressed right now. I was going to go for a walk with Bailey, my Heeler, but my back and my knee are both bothering me. So it was heating pad and ice pack time instead. Tomorrow we’ll go out for a nice long walk. Maybe we’ll even go to the park and walk.

LATER I eventually did go out for a walk. I’m glad that I did.

Bipolar – PRIDE

You I’ve found that my depression tends to cut off my ability to experience and to recognize pride in my kids and myself. Never mind actually saying anything about it to them… when I realize what seems like to late that I should have said something encouraging to them… I freeze.  It sucks to have your kid come home and tell you how proud a teacher or counselor is off them. It sucks when you didn’t know you should have been proud of them.

Oh I realize we can’t know everything that’s going on with them,  but come on!  “Pay attention!” I said to myself.

The last two days I’ve been paying attention to my youngist, Sydney.  She’s in Running start and taking classes at the community college (TCC) and SOTA (School of the Arts) and was hired by the business she interned for AND today was made coordinator the the students, businesses and screening… and placing the new interns along with recruiting new interns.

WOW right? I don’t yet know how it will all work out but her brother and I are going to give her as much support as we can.

This morning I was so positive. I believed I could complete all the projects I’ve started over the last 15 years. They’re good projects and worthy of my hard work to complete them.

Then I picked up Sydney after my physical therapy (PT) on my lower back. I picked her up and it seemed to me that she again shot some things I told her I was thinking about in the face.

I crumpled. My amazing up beat attitude and hard work I’d done all day left me and I was filled with anger and resentment.

Stay tuned and I’ll share with you in my next letter what happened. It was a humdinger.

Good night my friends. Talk to you real soon.

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Sydney, squinting, at the lake 2014

I’m so proud!