Bipolar Triggered – The Next Day

How do I feel the day after the girls hit multiple triggers for my bipolar? Well, I over slept so that didn’t help. I was fine till I remembered they have my book and I decided I wanted it back. Then my son, who is looking for an apartment with his girlfriend, told me he was on his way out the door to go to look at a place just 10 minutes after I got up. I realized his girlfriend, Melanie, is at work and I asked him if he was going alone. Yep. Can I go with? There wasn’t enough time. He said he thought about it but there wasn’t enough time for me to get ready. Really? He could have got me up.

He left and I thought things over and I called him. I asked him to call me if he has questions. His little sister should have let me go over the place with them before they moved in because I would have warned them off. Now, a month later, they’re going to move out.

Anyway, my calling him was just my way to hold on a little bit. The kids are going every which way and I’m having a hard time today. I started to cry a little and quickly ended the phone call. I feel useless.

None of them need me, and they selfishly take from me without thanks. I know probably all kids are like that, but if you’re like me (being bipolar) it is especially hard for us. I’d like to think a normal parent would feel the same way at this point. In fact that’s what I’m deciding just now. I’m not in crisis (I don’t think so). I’m sad. I feel lonely. I resent that Syd takes and doesn’t give.

I think when Kyle gets home I’m going to ask him to go to Alder Lake with Bailey and I. We used to go there all the time when they were young. Its 30 minutes from our house straight up the highway towards Mount Rainier (in Washington State). I need a break. I think he does too with the way work has been going and his needing to move. It will be fun to play with the dog at the lake. There shouldn’t be too many people there yet so maybe I can let her off leash and let her run.

Just to recap: yesterday a bunch of my triggers got flipped. Today, how am I going to deal with it? A few minutes ago I started to cry. I’ve had a chill pill and calmed down.

I’m going to fight my way through this. I’ve been preparing for weeks. Now it’s time to see if I can do what I tell others to do.

The first thing is to acknowledge it, face it, and decide how I’m going to protect myself and move forward… keep growing stronger. I refuse to turn into a puddle of stressed out mommy. Holding onto my frustration with Sydney and Toni isn’t going to help.

Stay tuned…

Bipolar – Changing Meds Again

My title “Changing Meds Again” isn’t meant to be a negative statement. It is a part and a way of life for some people. People like myself.

I have many, many issues in the weave that is ME so please do not take what I say about myself and my plans (treatment and such) and assume they will work, or not, for you. They may, but that’s between your med provider and you.

Anyway. I’m at the point where my med provider (this time we’ll call her Toni) Toni, has put me on a “don’t argue, come see me every two weeks until this is straightened out.” schedule. Actually she told me something about my nerves and getting them to calm down. ;0)

Today I started Lyrica for FM. I’ve been waiting for 6 months for this to make it through insurance. (There’s that word again.) Speaking of nerves, it should help quiet a great many of mine I look forward to the possibilities.

Also, in the morning I start back on Wellbutrin. I was on it years ago and it seems like a good thing to try again.

Toni: “Are you depressed?”
Me: “When? Like right now?”
Toni: “All the time. Over all the things, would you say you are mostly happy or mostly sad?”
Me: Hemming an hawing… “Like all the time?”
Toni: gives me a look of ‘honestly, you silently scream depression creating irritation’
Me: regretfully admitting “Okay, yes, depressed. I didn’t want to admit that.”
Toni: “Because it confuses you being a mixed Bipolar?”
Me: “Yes!”
Toni: “Because you’re a manic depressive.”
Me: “Yes!!”

I’m on wellbutrin. I start taking it tomorrow (Thursday) morning. We shall see.We shall see.

Heres my medication list for Bipolar and other mental alphabet soup:
Lamictal
Latuda
Wellbutrin
Diazepam
Lyrica (not directly in the list, but a major player in my new “list”)
Oxycodone  (not directly in the list, but a major player in my new “list”)

I fired my counselor. Talked to the head guy of counseling assignments. I explained the problem. She is only 4 years practicing while I need someone who can handle me. All of me. From the head to the toe… toes. From my head to my toes. Eh. From Arthritis and FM, to Bipolar and ADHD, from chronic pain to degenerative disk disease/arthritis in spine. I need someone who can help me focus and go through my day still being me but maybe being more experienced and work in biofeedback, mindfulness and neuroplasticity. With my medications I think this is the next logical step.

Medications are not going to fix me. They will hopefully allow me to function without… you know don’t you? Without the craziness running what feels like all the rest of my life.

I need to be able to manage. I must be able to succeed and what I want to do.

Bucket list? That’s for babies. Try barrel mitigated by soup.

Be well my friend. More later. I’m going to begin answering questions some people have been asking. I hope it will be helpful.

Ciao

Bipolar – PRIDE

You I’ve found that my depression tends to cut off my ability to experience and to recognize pride in my kids and myself. Never mind actually saying anything about it to them… when I realize what seems like to late that I should have said something encouraging to them… I freeze.  It sucks to have your kid come home and tell you how proud a teacher or counselor is off them. It sucks when you didn’t know you should have been proud of them.

Oh I realize we can’t know everything that’s going on with them,  but come on!  “Pay attention!” I said to myself.

The last two days I’ve been paying attention to my youngist, Sydney.  She’s in Running start and taking classes at the community college (TCC) and SOTA (School of the Arts) and was hired by the business she interned for AND today was made coordinator the the students, businesses and screening… and placing the new interns along with recruiting new interns.

WOW right? I don’t yet know how it will all work out but her brother and I are going to give her as much support as we can.

This morning I was so positive. I believed I could complete all the projects I’ve started over the last 15 years. They’re good projects and worthy of my hard work to complete them.

Then I picked up Sydney after my physical therapy (PT) on my lower back. I picked her up and it seemed to me that she again shot some things I told her I was thinking about in the face.

I crumpled. My amazing up beat attitude and hard work I’d done all day left me and I was filled with anger and resentment.

Stay tuned and I’ll share with you in my next letter what happened. It was a humdinger.

Good night my friends. Talk to you real soon.

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Sydney, squinting, at the lake 2014

I’m so proud!