It is a fact that many highly creative people feel that getting their Bipolar Disorder under control means they will lose the creative fire they have had burning inside for so long. The strength, the depth, the fire… it seems lost.
We feel we become a shell of our former exciting, dangerous selves. But that’s the trade-off. Be stable and feel stunted or feel crazy and out of control.
Personally, I would like to feel more emotions. I know Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder and that we feel things much more severely than the average person does. It has destroyed me more than once. I know that. Yet, I miss feeling the warmth that intense emotions gave me. I miss being able to write stories from an emotional base, instead of from a purely academic place.
I don’t want to mess with my meds. But I do want to feel more. There must be a way to ignite the fire again without burning myself down.
It is a sad fact, to me, that my anxiety is still causing me difficulties with my schoolwork. I have a big exam I’ve been studying for since Friday on Wednesday and as of right now I’m about half ready. That worries me. My brain understands what I’m learning, I’m just not retaining most of the facts I need.
I’ve come a long way writing for school and writing papers of different types this quarter. It doesn’t seem to be as difficult as it was last year thankfully. Now I’m struggling with memorizing facts like what makes up a cell and what each part does or the difference between bones and cartilage and what their (especially bones) structure is made of. You know, all the bloody bits.
I’ve tried going on long walks, playing with my dog, having my one of daughters over for dinner (she cooked this time), and so on. This time I had Jessica (daughter just mentioned) go over my flash cards I meticulously made for the whole exam. I did good on about half of them. The hard half, not so much. She’s gone now and I’m trying to reset my brain. I have a few more hours before bedtime and I’m going to be studying.
Besides struggling with memory work, I’m struggling with writing poems for my poetry class. I tend to write poems based on thoughts and what I think are deep feelings and leave imagery mostly out of it. Of course, imagery is what my professor is looking for. Imagery is an important part of a poem. And yet, as so many others have said, as my Bipolar symptoms have come under control I feel I’ve lost the burning engine that stoked my creative fires so it almost feels like imagery is the least of my worries. And yet, maybe the concrete image is what I need right now.
What is an osteon? In the Haversian system it consists of concentric layers or lamellae.
Something to think about.