Bipolar – Anxiety Rules Still

It is a sad fact, to me, that my anxiety is still causing me difficulties with my schoolwork. I have a big exam I’ve been studying for since Friday on Wednesday and as of right now I’m about half ready. That worries me. My brain understands what I’m learning, I’m just not retaining most of the facts I need.

I’ve come a long way writing for school and writing papers of different types this quarter. It doesn’t seem to be as difficult as it was last year thankfully. Now I’m struggling with memorizing facts like what makes up a cell and what each part does or the difference between bones and cartilage and what their (especially bones) structure is made of. You know, all the bloody bits.

I’ve tried going on long walks, playing with my dog, having my one of daughters over for dinner (she cooked this time), and so on. This time I had Jessica (daughter just mentioned) go over my flash cards I meticulously made for the whole exam. I did good on about half of them. The hard half, not so much. She’s gone now and I’m trying to reset my brain. I have a few more hours before bedtime and I’m going to be studying.

Besides struggling with memory work, I’m struggling with writing poems for my poetry class. I tend to write poems based on thoughts and what I think are deep feelings and leave imagery mostly out of it. Of course, imagery is what my professor is looking for. Imagery is an important part of a poem. And yet, as so many others have said, as my Bipolar symptoms have come under control I feel I’ve lost the burning engine that stoked my creative fires so it almost feels like imagery is the least of my worries. And yet, maybe the concrete image is what I need right now.

What is an osteon? In the Haversian system it consists of concentric layers or lamellae.

Something to think about.

Gratitude & Not Goodbye

I’m still trying to grasp poetry. Here are a few that I’ve read recently that I liked.

Gratitude
Thank you
For everything
You do for me
Thank you
For everything
You have done for me
Thank you
For everything You WILL do for me
Once I perfect hypnosis.

Not Goodbye
I still smell the older cat
On his favorite chair
On his favorite blanket
On his favorite toy
On me
I still smell the older cat
But I can’t find him anywhere
And now his dish is gone
And now his bed is gone
And now you are crying
But I still smell the older cat
So tomorrow I will look again

from “I Kneed My Mommy: and Other Poems by Kittens”
by Francesco Marciuliano