Monday my mom and I went to look at a house that we might possibly buy. I made a promise to myself before I even met up with her that I wasn’t going to have my bitch face on. But, as has been happening a lot lately, I was a bitch anyway. I always seem to have to apologize after I spend time with her. She’s not a bad person and certainly not worthy of my cutting attitude. I told her about my struggle with it and it seems to be helping. I tell her I love her at least once a day, because I do and I want her to remember that and not my being disrespectful.
Tuesday I took one of my cats to the vet to learn how to give her steroid injections every other day. It helps keep the swelling down in her intestines which is enabling her to stop throwing up every day. The cat’s name is Siberia. I’m finding it difficult to handle knowing that all three of the kids are depending on me to keep their cat comfortable and alive as long as I can. It’s a lot of pressure. Stress impacts my bipolar to the nth degree.
Yesterday we found out we got a house we put an offer in on here in town. I’m excited but I’m stressing out too. I’ll go from 1800 sq. ft. down to 876. Stress.
I’m not comfortable with change. It takes me out of the safe place I’ve built for myself here. Now I’ll be moving and there are only unknowns. While it will be exciting to have my own place, moving brings stresses I’ve not had to deal with for many years. Accept for a few years I’ve never lived in a neighborhood and close to people. Stress.
So I’m doing the things I’ve learned to do to reduce my stress. Crying is okay. I’m trying to exercise instead of having pie or something. I’m dream shopping online and picking new things to populate my house with. I have a certain amount of money I’ve saved and I’m learning how far it will go by window shopping on line. It won’t go far, but I’ll make it go far enough.
In the meantime I’m going to eat and sleep and exercise and do the other things I’ve found that help my stress stay manageable and hopefully keep me from crashing into the wall that is bipolar. I admit that I’m scared. What if I have to give up things I’m really super attached to? My mind creates all kinds of possible problems. This is where I have to choose to employ having a positive attitude towards the experience. There are steps I can take to help me be positive and I’m going to keep (and start) doing them and learn and practice more.
Here’s to positive attitudes.
I’ve always believed that having a purpose driven life is much easier to live, and more fun, that one that just swirls around in circles about itself rather like having a Bipolar Swirly. I’d like to share with you a quote I just read written by George Bernard Shaw:
“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself
as a mighty one … the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little
clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself
to making you happy.”
It made me pause and consider myself, my brain and my life. Despite what my brain might try to tell me at particular times, I’m still able to be a positive force in this world and to those around me. Maybe now always, but then we’re all human. And I know, I have challenges that “normals” don’t have. That’s okay and I accept that. However I’m not content with that. I will fight to the end of my days never to settle with being “mentally ill” and letting that define who I am.
Yes I’m doing better right now, at this moment. Yes, I’m probably mixing depression and hypomania. That’s ok. I’m a mixed state gal and I’m going to use that. I’m going to harness that energy and combination to finish my book: “Bipolar Parenting: How to Raise Outstanding Kids Without Killing them.” It is my field of specialization, is it not?
My purpose, now that my kids are mostly grown and my relationships with them are changing, must be found and chased after. If it is the same as I’ve always considered it to be it is to teach and entertain others so that they might live better. I might change it, but there it is for now.
Be well, Robin
You I’ve found that my depression tends to cut off my ability to experience and to recognize pride in my kids and myself. Never mind actually saying anything about it to them… when I realize what seems like to late that I should have said something encouraging to them… I freeze. It sucks to have your kid come home and tell you how proud a teacher or counselor is off them. It sucks when you didn’t know you should have been proud of them.
Oh I realize we can’t know everything that’s going on with them, but come on! “Pay attention!” I said to myself.
The last two days I’ve been paying attention to my youngist, Sydney. She’s in Running start and taking classes at the community college (TCC) and SOTA (School of the Arts) and was hired by the business she interned for AND today was made coordinator the the students, businesses and screening… and placing the new interns along with recruiting new interns.
WOW right? I don’t yet know how it will all work out but her brother and I are going to give her as much support as we can.
This morning I was so positive. I believed I could complete all the projects I’ve started over the last 15 years. They’re good projects and worthy of my hard work to complete them.
Then I picked up Sydney after my physical therapy (PT) on my lower back. I picked her up and it seemed to me that she again shot some things I told her I was thinking about in the face.
I crumpled. My amazing up beat attitude and hard work I’d done all day left me and I was filled with anger and resentment.
Stay tuned and I’ll share with you in my next letter what happened. It was a humdinger.
Good night my friends. Talk to you real soon.
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I’m so proud!