Category Archives: sad

Checking-In

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pargola eclipse

Under my pergola during the eclipse, 2017.

I didn’t realize today was Sunday until my dear mother texted me and reminded me that the Seahawks were playing. Sunday. How did we get from the horrors of Thursday, past the delightful day hiking on Mt. Rainier on Friday… to Sunday?

(Thursday I spent 4 hours in the Denturist’s chair. It was terrible. The worst was when he oozed goo down my throat and didn’t know it. I hurled and hurled until up came a wad of latex looking stuff. Then, another large piece… then, a third. The teaching Professor said it sounded like I was being given the heimlich. I was. Only I was giving it to myself. It was a nightmare. I haven’t been able to sleep because I keep feeling the goo going down my throat and sitting just beyond the reach of my fingers… I keep eating to try to make the feeling go away. It isn’t working.)

Now Sunday is ending. I got up early and walked my dog before the fall rains started. Literally, today was the first rain in days and days. It has ushered in the fall. The temperature has lowered in one week and the air is crisp.

I enjoy the cool clean air, but I will miss the sun. The sun helped me fight my depression. I’m hoping to spend time outside during the cloudy months under my covered pergola nestled in a warm coat.

Right now, I’m feeling sad, as though I’ve wasted my day. I spent quite a lot of time getting to know how to use Dish and Alexa. Dish doesn’t display the time like the Xfinity box did so I had no idea how long I’d been fussing around. I’ll need to get a little digital clock.

I’m feeling sad, fearful and anxious. One and a half weeks and my classes at the University of Washington will resume. I can’t control my emotions regarding it.

At this moment, Alexa is playing me some relaxing classical music. I’m thankful for that.

A Bipolar House Hunting & Being Successful

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3falling
I got up yesterday close to on time and took the Bailey out and fed the cats. Bailey doesn’t eat early in the day. It distresses me I have to admit it. Yesterday afternoon we went house hunting. It’s been almost a month since the broker last took us out. The market here is really low on inventory. Houses are being bought the day they go on the market. You can imagine I might be feeling some stress about this. I am.

I spent time playing ball with Bailey before we went out. She helps me calm down. We played soccer. I kick it and she catches it and brings it back. We play in the house. When I down size I probably won’t be able to kick the ball around like this. We’re looking for a place with a fenced yard.

I’m stressed. I took a chill pill before I left to meet my mom because I started to feel really anxious. I started tapping my legs violently, which is one of the physical signs I’m having anxiety. After playing ball and taking the pill I started to calm down.

I chose to be positive about looking for houses yesterday. I don’t mean that I believed that because I was thinking positively that we’d find a house. What I do mean is that I chose to go looking with my broker and my mother and be positive towards them and the situation in general. I accepted that we might find the perfect house. I accepted we might not find anything remotely good. We saw some interesting houses. Let’s just leave it at that. We’re still looking.

As of yesterday I hadn’t seen my son in a couple weeks. Since he’s moved out and into town I don’t see him much. Sometimes I feel like seeing me is more like I’m a chore that needs to be done. I know that’s how he feels when grandma asks him to do something – like she’s a chore he doesn’t want to give his time off from work to. I feel that he feels that way towards me too. It makes me sad. He does mow my lawn every other week and I’m thankful for that because with my back pain and arthritis I can’t do it myself.

Today I met with my brother at Shari’s restaurant. I’d gone over his business website and taken notes about changes I’d make and problems I found. It needs a lot of work. I was kind of hoping he’d pay me a little for doing it, but he didn’t. I got a strawberry lemonade out of it and an hour of time with him. I don’t see him very often.

I would say I’ve had a successful week. Success doesn’t always come in making a lot of money or getting a new job. Sometimes success comes in little packages like being able to get the medicine down the cat’s throat and not all over her.

Although my brother didn’t think to pay me I still look at it as a success. I set out to survey the website and take complete notes and I did it. Then I wanted to meet with him and communicate to him what I’d found and make recommendations. I did that too. I wanted to go to the mattress store and exchange my mattress and I did that. Another success. Now I’m blogging. Another success. I have another project that’s important to me that I’ll work on next.

What kind of successes have you had this week? Today? It’s hard when I’m sad/depressed to feel like I’ve been successful, but when I’m fair and I really think about it I can see them. Being bipolar doesn’t mean I can’t be successful. But sometimes, I have to look for successes a little more closely.

I refuse to give up. I’m going to keep pushing and poking things till I reach my main goal. It’s not easy. I’m tired and my arthritis is flaring up in my shoulders, elbows and hands. It would be easy to just watch TV tonight. But I’m not going to do that just yet. I’m going to move forward towards my main goal.

I’m a little depressed. We’re probably going to have to put down one of my cats soon, so as I say, depressed. But I’m not going to give up. Excuse me now please, I have something I need to work on. I’ll see you soon dear Reader.

Being a Bipolar Mom

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Tonys House

My brother’s mid-century modern home for Mother’s Day

This is my first Mother’s Day completely alone. My last kid moved out a few weeks ago. I’ve been depressed, but not too bad. Then there was today… alone with myself and my dog. I talked to my eldest for almost two hours and it was so wonderful. I miss her a lot. I hoped to hear from my other two kids all day… but I heard from my mom instead. We exchanged greetings and love.

My youngest finally texted me and said she’s had phone trouble. I told her to call me. I’m not about to text with my kid as a visit for Mother’s Day. She called and we talked for a while. I told her how sad I was. I’d just cried a little. It was good to talk about it with her. I miss her. She moved out almost a year ago.

I was taking my dog out to go do her evening duty and my phone rang in my pocket. 10:00 p.m. and my son was finally calling. He’d called earlier while he was out shopping with his girlfriend. Thank you but if you respect me you’ll give me your full attention. I was hurt. I told him I was outside and that I’d call him back.

I did call him back after I got the cats fed and my coat put away. I was feeling grumpy and hurt. I called and by this time I had nothing left to say but to tell him how I felt about him calling me while he was shopping. He’s done it before. It isn’t respectful to me or the person he’s with. It’s very selfish.

We talked for a couple of minutes and I didn’t have anything else to say. I feel that way sometimes when I’m feeling hurt.

Mother’s Day was lonely. I feel sadder today than I did yesterday, but I’ll be okay.

We got most of the family (accept my son and his girlfriend) together at my brother’s for a BBQ Saturday. It was a beautiful day and we had a nice time playing cards and eating. The picture is of his and his partner’s mid-century modern home.

I should have gone for a walk today. It was a bad choice for me to choose not to go out. The sun would have been good for me.

I’m going to get my mind off myself and read some of Eleanor Roosevelt’s Autobiography. I find that it is good to read biographies and autobiographies of people I admire. I can hopefully learn helpful things from them and maybe even be inspired. You never know when inspiration will sprout.

Happy Mother’s Day fellow mom’s.