Category Archives: Uncategorized

Anxiety – Relax My Ass

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School starts in two days. Yesterday I had my first adrenaline mainlining anxiety day of the school year. 

I tried to be strong and relax, but I had to take half a chill pill early in the day. It didn’t help. I tried not to take the other half because I only get 10 a month. I got into bed and my anxiety ramped up higher. I had to take the other half. 

Eventually, I slept.

I’m once again forced to try all the methods to reduce anxiety that I have learned… but deep down I don’t believe any of them will help, they never have.

I’m tired of being a victim of my own brain. So tired.

EEG Check In

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I’m finished with the EEG now. Someone forgot to tell me they would be wanting me to go to sleep when I got there so I got myself all woke up so I wouldn’t fall asleep…  I was only able to doze off a few times. The tech said she thought they got enough information. I hope so. Now I wait.

Help

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Imagine help
as a syllable,
awkward but utterable.
How would it work
and in which distress?
How would one gauge
the level of duress
at which to pitch
the plea? How bad
would something
have to be?

It’s hard,
coming from a planet
where if we needed something
we had it.

by Kay Uncle

I’m Missing Something Good

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I’m missing something deep inside that connects my emotions up with my brain. It leaves me feeling empty and cold. I’ve got to find a way to feel alive again. I’m missing me some mania! And that’s the truth.

Bipolar – Changing Meds Again

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My title “Changing Meds Again” isn’t meant to be a negative statement. It is a part and a way of life for some people. People like myself.

I have many, many issues in the weave that is ME so please do not take what I say about myself and my plans (treatment and such) and assume they will work, or not, for you. They may, but that’s between your med provider and you.

Anyway. I’m at the point where my med provider (this time we’ll call her Toni) Toni, has put me on a “don’t argue, come see me every two weeks until this is straightened out.” schedule. Actually she told me something about my nerves and getting them to calm down. ;0)

Today I started Lyrica for FM. I’ve been waiting for 6 months for this to make it through insurance. (There’s that word again.) Speaking of nerves, it should help quiet a great many of mine I look forward to the possibilities.

Also, in the morning I start back on Wellbutrin. I was on it years ago and it seems like a good thing to try again.

Toni: “Are you depressed?”
Me: “When? Like right now?”
Toni: “All the time. Over all the things, would you say you are mostly happy or mostly sad?”
Me: Hemming an hawing… “Like all the time?”
Toni: gives me a look of ‘honestly, you silently scream depression creating irritation’
Me: regretfully admitting “Okay, yes, depressed. I didn’t want to admit that.”
Toni: “Because it confuses you being a mixed Bipolar?”
Me: “Yes!”
Toni: “Because you’re a manic depressive.”
Me: “Yes!!”

I’m on wellbutrin. I start taking it tomorrow (Thursday) morning. We shall see.We shall see.

Heres my medication list for Bipolar and other mental alphabet soup:
Lamictal
Latuda
Wellbutrin
Diazepam
Lyrica (not directly in the list, but a major player in my new “list”)
Oxycodone  (not directly in the list, but a major player in my new “list”)

I fired my counselor. Talked to the head guy of counseling assignments. I explained the problem. She is only 4 years practicing while I need someone who can handle me. All of me. From the head to the toe… toes. From my head to my toes. Eh. From Arthritis and FM, to Bipolar and ADHD, from chronic pain to degenerative disk disease/arthritis in spine. I need someone who can help me focus and go through my day still being me but maybe being more experienced and work in biofeedback, mindfulness and neuroplasticity. With my medications I think this is the next logical step.

Medications are not going to fix me. They will hopefully allow me to function without… you know don’t you? Without the craziness running what feels like all the rest of my life.

I need to be able to manage. I must be able to succeed and what I want to do.

Bucket list? That’s for babies. Try barrel mitigated by soup.

Be well my friend. More later. I’m going to begin answering questions some people have been asking. I hope it will be helpful.

Ciao

Remodeling this place – watch for wet paint

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I’m doing some major redoing in Redux. Please have patience while I attempt most determinedly to make this baby sing. So to speak.

Bailey and Sydney… and a bone

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Welcome to my family

Taking a Giant Swirl

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I’ve been awake the complete and total night. At this moment it is 6:28 am. The nerves in my lower back have been lit up like gaudy, trailer park, year ’round Christmas lights. It has been on the high side over 6 on the pain scale (10 being passing out). I’ve done all the things I’ve found some measure of relief in recently.

Nuthin doing. 

About bedtime my youngest daughter, Sydney, and I fought at each other. She’s finally letting me in. I’ve been terrified that she’ll be like me and be the one that statistics say I must have because of genetics… Bipolar.

Her school years have been horrible. This is the past. Last night I finally learned what was making her tick, what had taught that to protect yourself you should read into everything your “friends” do and say through the lense of created hysteria.

She freaked on me again for the second time in a few days (sound familiar?). The last time she punched a wall and sprained her hand. (Yes, I do know where this tendency towards violence is from. It’s in my mirror.)

Sha lashes out in true out of control style and eventually… finally… comes as near as she can to telling me the truth.  Please permit me to summarize.

My meds have been changing. She sensed my shift into starting to come apart at the seams. Who or what I randomly (and daily, I’m BP 1 mixed state) am. She’s afraid of what she sees me becoming again.

Again.

I wanted to change my meds. My reasoning was sound as it could be in my circumstance.  I responded in the worst way. Simply put I’m moody, depressed, eating too much (much to much) unpredictable,  beyond irritable, anger and totally torqued off that the goal I set for myself isn’t going to happen. Regardless of the reasons why.

I’m really pissed and angry and depressed and in physical pain. And, my baby has taken to blow up in my face.

I see my med provider at 9:15 this morning.  I’m having my son drive because my current load of meds helps me nod off while driving. And I’ve needed to do 3-4 hours sometimes 4 days a week. It’s so stressful. Sydney is also meaning time drive. Driving school is 2.5 hours three times a week plus drives with my mother and myself.

She has a little job. I’m super proud of her. And super disappointed.  I thought she trusted me. She’s far from that. She lives with me. At this time I’m freaking her over the top. She’s lashing out… like I do.

She has finally told me the truth. She’s afraid of me. Oh not physically.  Mentally. Emotionally.

My response in my head announced with finality that despite what literally every one says… I’m a pretty shit type parent. I’ve only seen her act out. I’ve tried every which way I can think of to break into this newly pinpointed .

I’m seeing my Med provider in a few hours. I haven’t slept more than … okay, maybe not at all. I’m going to try now. I might bet 2 or so. Kyle will drive so falling asleep driving, won’t be my problem.  Coming home for 30 minutes and then dashing off to my first physical therapy for my back. I’m scared about that. My spine will be, well, it will punish me (Can’t quite think of a way put that.)

I just nodded off. I’ll fill you in when I know what our plan action will be.

I don’t believe in luck. 
Hope that I get lucky.
And, fell asleep again.

I’ll proof this later.

Freedom Fair JBLM – Stress in Crowds

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I seem to write to you as though we are having a conversation and life, as it does tend to do, helps my brain to skip and twist and twaggle resulting in each potential note to you being a run on conversation. This note makes my point with zero effort.

I started to tell you about what was going on with me in regards to my relevant reaction / responses… oh hell.

It was hot. It was crowded. I was anxious. Things hadn’t gone according to plan. At least not accounting to my plan. But that all began at 8:00 a.m. when one of the kids should have realized the rest of us had overslept… yeah. That’s the way the celebration began.

It is now 2:29 a.m. and I’m falling asleep. I’ll let you in on how things went. . . Later right? Time to snooze.

The plan, at this bright and bushy time of the morning,  is to follow up with how I think I did. For example: was I able to control anger, frustration, irritation and lust after a sweet a classic  candy red Corvette Stringray (1962 I think) convertible? OR did I lose any of my loosely joined marbles?

Talk to you more today. At least that’s. .. my plan.  ;0-)

The Adventures of My Ass

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I’m serious folks. I am not kidding. I wanted to talk about pain. You all know what pain I mean right? That peculiar mental,  emotional pain that burns you alive and freezes you right out of your own life?

I have a few additional medical difficulties. I avoid talking about them because they are Legion. .  I have chronic back pain. Each disk in my spine is degenerating… Degenerative Disk Disease.

The physical pain is often marginally intolerable.  Meaning I can cook dinner 30 minutes after taking 10 MG of Oxycodone… for about 10 or 15 minutes.  Then I sit down and switch from trying to tolerate the pain long enough to cook (I can’t quite make it just yet) to fighting the overwhelming urge to abandon all remaining control and cry hysterically. 

I have such pain in my siatica area and shooting down my leg that I don’t want to breathe. Have you ever had physical therapy where they used the stim thingies? Yeah, the patches with electrodes that zap a current into the tissues they are rehabilitating.  The thing where the like to turn it up as high as you can tolerate.

Take the most discomfort/pain this has ever caused you, multiply that by the pins and needles felt when a sound asleep body part wakes and freaks your body out… multiply those together and add a dose of desperation and you’re getting closer than you were.

It is now 2 weeks after I began this post. Since then my medical people have narrowed down, if one can narrow it down, to the pain starting my L4 and L5 disks (spine). Like the rest of my spine they are degenerating.  Degenerative Disk Disease. 

After several failed attempts to ease the pain we settled on Tramadol as my base pain killer with Oxycodone as my breakthrough medication. They worked. And they made me completely loopy.  I backed off to 5 MG from 10 MG (Oxycodone) and that was better but I still shouldn’t drive.

And then the headaches started. I hoped that I was wrong about getting headaches after taking Tramadol for several days. No joy. It also brought nausea.  Nothing calmed that.

This morning I’ve stopped the Tramadol and taken Excedrine Migraine.  I hope it helps.

As for my Bipolar brain… I’m at a lower dosage of Lamictal but I’m doing surprisingly well. Chronic pain can be made less intense with anti-depressants. It is possible that my pain intestified recently because my Lamictal dose is lower.

These medical people also tell me I have FM (Fibromyalgia).

Terrific.

I guess I’m not a hypochondriac after all.

Again… terrific.