Tag Archives: Bipolar

Tramadol – for Pain

Back to other stuff. The pain in my right hand and especially my thumb has become … really not good. I don’t usually tear up because of pain, but this one has me licked. For the moment.

I’ve been on Tramadol before, but I couldn’t remember how well it did or didn’t work. I’ve been on Oxy for months and still had pain. Way too much pain. Now I have the Tramadol again and took the first dose a few hours ago. I feel nice. My hand hurts much less. In fact, I’m actually able to type this with much less pain. For this I am glad.

I’m heading to bed now… hoping to sleep. Still no joy on that front. I have a feeling that the Tramadol and the sleeping medication will kick me in the ass and knock me out. So, since I see my med provider in the morning I’ll not have any in the a.m.

I was doing some reading (as I do when challenged, I investigate) and discovered that a particular medication I’ve been on before is used to treat both fibro and Bipolar. Interesting right?

Ooooo I just saw a commercial for Rizzoli and Isles! New episode Feb 25th! This is one of my favorite shows. I can’t wait.

No, I don’t really have a brain that jogs and skips and zips about when it should be focusing. No, really I don’t.

Osteoarthritis & Fibromyalgia – Really??

I had great news from my Rheumatologist yesterday. I know now why I have so much joint pain. I know why some days I can’t hold onto a cup and my thumb feels like its broken. I know why I have pain all over my body… I know… youch!

I dunno NOTHING!

I do know something. I have a lot to learn about things I wish I knew.. had no need to know.

I do have arthritis. I have Osteroarthritis. Who knew right? Already had the right knee replaced – twice (yes, twice) in a year and a half. She, the doc, followed this news up with a stunner. Fibromyalgia. Osteroarthritis and Fibromyalgia together. Sounds like a bloody party. Very bloody. Lots of carnage.

I started reading reading a tiny bit about them tonight. I didn’t want to jump into it and become obsessed and blame everything wrong with me on them. I have other stuff for that.

Life is a load of interconnected bits. They go on and on until they make a whole person of pieces stuck here and there. We travel through life discovering how what our bits are and how they work together. Or how they should, could, work together.

I am a woman of many faces, many complex bits and pieces, many parts of me striving and staggering on my path to the future. Somehow I will make it all work. I will strive after wholeness everyday from my now to my next now.

I am a human woman. I have a heady dose of Bipolar type 1 and I exist in a thing called “mixed states”. I have a new knee(s) and Diabetes type 2 in remission. I have Osteoarthritis & Fibromyalgia. I don’t sleep well at all. This provokes psychosis. Yes, I know I owe you an explanation of that… later please. They all seem intertwined to me. One is similar, but not the same. They all affect the one. We roll along and try to find the brakes so we, so I, can catch my breath and suck in lungs full of fresh air.

I need fresh air. I need to understand. I need to conquer myself now more than ever.

Bipolar can slam me with hellish depression in a moment. It can pummel me until I just want it all to stop. I refuse to go to that place. I’ve worked hard and long to cling to myself and to the vision of who I am becoming.

These disorders dance in my body a wild and sometimes wondrous dance.

I am stunned.

Tomorrow will come when I awake. I will begin to formulate a game plan. I live for my children. They have given me as much life as I have given them. I live for myself. I have every right to live.

Tomorrow I will consider how to think about all this. To draw it in and start to sort it all out. I will not allow my mind to destroy me though the little grey cells that do the square dance with bipolar are going to be busier than usual with this knew knowledge. It does that when stress hits. This new information has granted me a gigantic helping of stress. Stress is so bad for me.

The first order of business is to sleep. Tomorrow I will search out ways I have not tried yet to master the pain in my mind and in my body.

I will not stop. I will become like perpetual motion.

You just watch me go. I’m the only one who can stop me, and I’ve chosen to push forward and to have a life filled with joy and love and adventure and so much more. And yes, pains and struggling. These are the facts and my thoughts as I know them right now, in this moment.

Walk with me. Let us see what the future, the moment touching this moment has for us. I think the ride is going to be… BIG.

Stay tuned to this bat time, this bat channel… yes, stay tuned. I’ll be here. The next moment is mine to own. Now, what are you going to do with your moments?

I’m Not a Racist

My daughter who is in college came home recently and told me about a discussion she and another white woman and a black woman had. They were talking about racism. She told them that I (me) consider myself a racist. Then she explained that what I meant by that was that I was sick and tired of (especially) black people labeling all white people as racists. I’m tired of hearing that the white person got the job, we live in low income because we can’t get work, we get blamed for this and that. Buck-up! I say.

You want to talk about favoritism? I’m unemployed by choice and live on state money. I can’t tell you how people look down on me for this decision. I’m lazy, I’m working the system, I should get a job… I don’t have a job, and this is the other thing, I have a mental illness. Oooohhh no one wants to know some with a mental illness. In fact I have Bipolar Disorder. Watch out! I might murder you.

The black woman in the group had never considered someone hating the way blacks practice reverse racism is a racist. She was amazed. When I voice my opinion black people with me immediately consider me racist. Read the definitions below:

Racism is the belief that some races are just plain superior (physically, intellectually, or culturally) to others and therefore have a right to dominate them. Pshaw.

Racism is the belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others. It is discrimination or prejudice based on race. It is hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

I’m not a racist. My daughter says I’m a “stupid-ist.”

A bigot is a person who completely intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion.

So I can say with certainty that I’m not a bigot.

Discontent… let’s consider it. It means not to be content; dissatisfied, discontented, lack of content, displeased.

That’s what I am. Frustration bred by the misassumptions of others…

I guess I’m not a racist after all. I’m just discontentedly pissed off.

Changing Meds Again

I got just as low on levels of my meds as I could this summer. It’s been a long, scary ride back to the grey and quickly approaching darkness. It’s time to readjust meds again. I have my appointment with my pill doctor in about a week. I’ll be clinging together with superglue till then.

On my best behavior…..