I Wish I Were Bipolar

I can’t believe I just said that either.

“I wish I were Bipolar. Yes, ME.”

I’ve fretted over when/if/how to approach what to say.   Again… another issue to stifle me me and stuff my hands with word stopping globs of goo. (Do you get what I’m getting at? Stay tuned.)

I can’t possibly explain who I am. Not even close. I’ll say one thing and think I’ve given you enough. I’ll pause my monologue and think I’ve given you space to consider me, what I’ve said. I hear my own voice raise over all the silences and questions I’ve left with you. Like…

“What the hell are you going on about woman?!”  I got no clue.

Lies. I’m lying. Laying? Damn words.

I honestly do wish I were Bipolar. Just Bipolar. It would make me.. my life.. so much simpler, even more possible. More probable.

I keep nodding off so I’ll keep this much shorter than I’m naturally inclined to do.

Last night (Wed night) I slept for perhaps an hour or two. It was horrible. My brain began alright. It is still flirting with every tomorrow in this newly less medicated state. We, my brain and I ended in the wee hours (Thur morning) stuck in the turnstyle under a boat load of cement. I couldn’t sleep. I almost did sleep.

Lies. I slept.

I slept for as many hours as I have eyes. Maybe.

I’m so tired.

I have chronic pain everywhere. Pain in every joint, every muscle, every imaginary and real messed up bit of me. I see a chronic pain specialist at a “pain clinic”. They specialize in, well, chronic pain that isn’t easily treated by ordinary means. That just means that in my case for example my MD isn’t comfortable prescribing high and long standing doses of Oxycodone day after week, after month, after year.

I take 10 mg of Oxycodone three times daily (assuming I’m not going to be driving) to try to control my lower back and bum pain.

It rarely works well. I keep taking it whenever I safely can. I bank on the thought that I can trick my mind into believing it really does help. Via my med provider and MD and so on my pain cocktail consists of:
10 mg Oxycodone 3 times daily
50 mg Hydroxyzine 4 times daily
800 mg Ibuprofen every 6 hours
Excedrin Migraine two every 6 hours
Ice, ice, ice, ice
Heat, heat, heat

No joy.

It is now 13 minutes after midnight. That’s 13 minutes into Friday.

So far today sucks. I have heartburn and my pain is nicely controlled at about an 8 (10 being the worst pain I can ever imagine) at the moment.

If I’m not sleeping because of my brain, I’m not sleeping because of my pain. Often the bodily pain causes mental pain…  making sleep an even less likely reality. I need to sleep. My jumbled writing is becoming more jumbled. I hate it. I get my Bipolar brain to cooperate and focus. That’s so awesome. I know that’s so awesome.

The chronic debilitating pain makes it only a shadow of a triumph.

No sleep is not sleeping no matter what the cause.

Oh my. I nodded off for a fairy tale minute. It’s passed.

I’m going to move the warm and melted ice pack from my butt to the freezer. I have four I rotate through. The big hospital size ones for things like knee replacements.

I am so exhausted. I think I might be tired enough now that the pain won’t be able to make me cry and whimper… maybe that means I’ll sleep.

I nodded off again.

I self medicated tonight. Two vodka shots of really bad vodka. Trying to kick start the painkiller and bring sleep and I together faster and hopefully for longer than zero.

I wish I were just Bipolar. Chronic pain plus Bipolar Type 1 completely sucks fried reeds.

Well… started to cry again. Gonna say goodnight to the ice right now. I’ve gotta sleep.

I wish I were Bipolar.

I’m in such pain…. I’m a BP1, ADHD, PTSD, FM, OA, MOM

Seriously though… I’m in an extraordinarly dismal pain deep in my bones I think. I’m not certain. It starts somewhere around my swollen and annoying disks down around the L-something-or-other.

Restless legs? Perhaps. Runs in the women on my mom’s side of the family.

Anxiety encouraging psychosomatic (maybe) spinal pain to radiate through Restless Legs and deep to the ass of the leg with the double times new knee.

Translation… My equal isn’t ibriumating. Get it? Equilibrium. Equal. Equal-ibrium.  New knee as in “not using it much for years and am lopsided and out of synch.)

What?

Seriously though… From my lower back down past my toes especially in my right leg and alien beastie is trying to pull the bones out of my flesh. Meat. Oh my.

Seriously though… Hurts like a “$(%*& ”   of  a    ” )(*&#_ ”   If you know what I mean.

Sitting on my bum on the floor is a feat of unsurpassed hilarity. Translation: I’m either laughing madly – or – crying with great abandon. Take your pick.

Tonight the pain started about 1:15 in the afternoon PST.   Not EST.   PST.

I took my Oxycodone and heating pad and lie down (lay down… well I wasn’t “sitting” down) on my bed while my puppy (Australian Shepherd/Heeler named Bailey, a little girl) snoozed at my feet. Literally. She slept temporarily where my feet could go on my queen sized bed. Then she slept where they also could have been. And then again. Add. Spin. Rinse. Repeat.

Where was I? Right. Bloody bleeding sickly . . . agony. Pain. Unrelenting, mind blowing, consuming… pain.

I don’t watch American Idol. Did once, when it all first began. Still have a fondness for Kelly Clarkson. The queen upon the Idol throne. I sat tonight not watching the 13th season with my son (Kyle, 19. He’s a boy.). I think I must have been doing it louder than I noticed because suddenly he sideswiped my attention from my ass to, well, to my whining. I was whimpering and whining.

I never allow myself that luxury while my kids are about. At least, not before this. Today, I’m in such pain… And it started well before bedtime.

Oh damn!  I just want to sleep.

I think, I think I’ll go soak my ass. Okay, I’ll soak everything that will fit in the tub too. Maybe some soothing heat not floating around my body will help some. Oh great bird of the universe I hope so. Damn I do hope so.

My car is in the shop. Again.

My phone is stupid and dead.

My knee is still new.

My weather is nice. Just right today.

My belly is too big.

My kids are amazing. And my puppy too.

I can see my feet again.  When I move my boobs out of the way. I’m short you know.

I’m in so much pain.

Good night.

Tomorrow is going to come whether I’ve slept or not. As it always does and always should do. I would do well to remember this.

Come on pain, time to have a bath. Pain, would you consider going down the drain? Please. No? Screw you. I’m having that bath anyway.

Again. Good night.

Osteoarthritis & Fibromyalgia – Really??

I had great news from my Rheumatologist yesterday. I know now why I have so much joint pain. I know why some days I can’t hold onto a cup and my thumb feels like its broken. I know why I have pain all over my body… I know… youch!

I dunno NOTHING!

I do know something. I have a lot to learn about things I wish I knew.. had no need to know.

I do have arthritis. I have Osteroarthritis. Who knew right? Already had the right knee replaced – twice (yes, twice) in a year and a half. She, the doc, followed this news up with a stunner. Fibromyalgia. Osteroarthritis and Fibromyalgia together. Sounds like a bloody party. Very bloody. Lots of carnage.

I started reading reading a tiny bit about them tonight. I didn’t want to jump into it and become obsessed and blame everything wrong with me on them. I have other stuff for that.

Life is a load of interconnected bits. They go on and on until they make a whole person of pieces stuck here and there. We travel through life discovering how what our bits are and how they work together. Or how they should, could, work together.

I am a woman of many faces, many complex bits and pieces, many parts of me striving and staggering on my path to the future. Somehow I will make it all work. I will strive after wholeness everyday from my now to my next now.

I am a human woman. I have a heady dose of Bipolar type 1 and I exist in a thing called “mixed states”. I have a new knee(s) and Diabetes type 2 in remission. I have Osteoarthritis & Fibromyalgia. I don’t sleep well at all. This provokes psychosis. Yes, I know I owe you an explanation of that… later please. They all seem intertwined to me. One is similar, but not the same. They all affect the one. We roll along and try to find the brakes so we, so I, can catch my breath and suck in lungs full of fresh air.

I need fresh air. I need to understand. I need to conquer myself now more than ever.

Bipolar can slam me with hellish depression in a moment. It can pummel me until I just want it all to stop. I refuse to go to that place. I’ve worked hard and long to cling to myself and to the vision of who I am becoming.

These disorders dance in my body a wild and sometimes wondrous dance.

I am stunned.

Tomorrow will come when I awake. I will begin to formulate a game plan. I live for my children. They have given me as much life as I have given them. I live for myself. I have every right to live.

Tomorrow I will consider how to think about all this. To draw it in and start to sort it all out. I will not allow my mind to destroy me though the little grey cells that do the square dance with bipolar are going to be busier than usual with this knew knowledge. It does that when stress hits. This new information has granted me a gigantic helping of stress. Stress is so bad for me.

The first order of business is to sleep. Tomorrow I will search out ways I have not tried yet to master the pain in my mind and in my body.

I will not stop. I will become like perpetual motion.

You just watch me go. I’m the only one who can stop me, and I’ve chosen to push forward and to have a life filled with joy and love and adventure and so much more. And yes, pains and struggling. These are the facts and my thoughts as I know them right now, in this moment.

Walk with me. Let us see what the future, the moment touching this moment has for us. I think the ride is going to be… BIG.

Stay tuned to this bat time, this bat channel… yes, stay tuned. I’ll be here. The next moment is mine to own. Now, what are you going to do with your moments?