Parenting As a Trigger

I’ve written about triggers and how important it is to find them and avoid them so we can avoid the next looming episode. I just had my daughter and her fiancée over for dinner and to give them a few directions on training their puppy. I thought they were open to listening to what I had to say, that maybe they respected the way I’d trained my dog (with a trainer for $!000, real training) and were ready to listen since their puppy is pretty out of control. I was excited all day that they were coming over and that they wanted to know what I could teach them.

I shouldn’t have made that assumption. It was trigger city.

The first thing that went wrong was that Sydney (daughter) didn’t tell Toni that her lipstick wasn’t surviving dinner well. Toni got mad and stalked off to the bathroom.

Then we talked about training their puppy that they have labeled as a “service animal” and that they’ll need a “choke” chain to train her. Toni got on her self-righteous soap box and informed me she wouldn’t ever choke her dog. Using their harness and flat collar was going to be fine. Maybe. But that’s not what the experts taught me. With puppies this age (4 months) treats are the preferred method, but she’s going to get bigger very fast.

Also I don’t appreciate her lack of thanks or respect. Sydney already disrespects me like while she came in the kitchen and busted open cheddar cheese crackers I bought for her brother and started eating them by the handful even though dinner was nearly done and I had told her they were for her brother. It amuses her to make her brother’s life more difficult. The problem is I paid for that food. Not her brother.

They’re gone now. The puppy pooped on my carpet. I’ve loaned them my training book and dvd. They didn’t say thanks for either one. I suggested they buy their own and they said they probably couldn’t afford it. I know they can. They just got their financial aid from school. I’m not going this quarter so I don’t have any new income.

Now I’m sad. I took a chill pill before they got here and I’m glad I did. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I hadn’t.

I was going to try to keep my post short tonight, but I’m not feeling super fabulous.

It makes me wonder what kind of mother I really was. I’m going to stop myself from ruminating over this tonight. That will just make things worse.

Maybe it was minor. Maybe I’m over reacting. It’s what I do. I’m sad and feel unloved.

I done been triggered.

Bipolar – Remember the the Phoenix

Remember the Phoenix

I learned that today. I listen to college level courses at The Great Courses and today I was listening to “Mind, Body Medicine: new science of optimal health” and in the lesson the instructor said something like this:

Never forget the phoenix for the ashes.

I’ve heard that or similar sayings before. I had just spent the last 3 hours trying not to break down and cry after pouring some coffee for myself. And no, I did not spill it. But I did sit down and realize I need to get on top of what was happening with me quickly. I took my prescribed medications for these situations.

I don’t remember how exactly I managed it but I went through the part of my lesson for today and started meditating. No, I’m not religious in any way. But, meditation is a discipline unto itself and is time tested to heal the human mind. I’m willing to give it a go. So I spent the 30 seconds I was able to focus on sitting down when I stood up to try again. Why? The lecturer said I could if I wanted to. So I did.

Oh, yes, the lecture was partly on meditation. I forgot my address today. My social security number two days ago and my phone number and my soc number mixed together (the first three numbers are the same, just in different ways.). So, forgive me for getting this mixed up. Oh my stars. (Thank you Bewitched)

Then I looked at my puppy Bailey and remembered that she’s learning to be my companion/service dog. I needed to let her be that for me now. I trained her. It’s great because our attention spans are about the same. 5-15 minutes tops. We trained three times today. The last time she carried a piece of mail from the mailbox all the way to the house, in the house and up the stairs. Wow! This was only the second time I’ve tried to get her to carry the mail. She did it the first time, but I got it from her at the door.

So Bailey and a bird called the Phoenix reminded me that I need to take care of myself every minute.

My father is 73 and has a two inch spot in his lung. We’ve had our differences and aren’t buddies, but… he’s my dad.

I would like to not have ADHD so I can deal with one thing at a time, one thing at a time. Uhh… Makes me crazy. Me, my brain… makes me “crazy”.

Peace to the Phoenix. More soon my friend.