Success

Bipolar – A Wee Comment On Oxycodone and Other Such Things

/ Robin / 1 Comment

Over the last several years doctors have willingly given, even insisted that I let them prescribe Oxycodone for chronic pain. (20mg 3x daily)

It is a completely and commonly known fact that this narcotic is ineffective against chronic pain.

I’m home from my joint replacement surgery. I dislike pain. I have a post-prescription for 5mg of Oxycodone. Surgery was at 12:15 this afternoon. I have just taken two.

I’m a question asker. I ask questions all day and all night. I drive even my lizard, fish, cats and Bailey bonkers with them. Yes, and my family too. So what’s my big question?

QUESTION: If you have fire burning behind your eyes causing the mania and the rage to merge and melt into the endless void of despair… why haven’t you just stopped the pain? Surely with all the meds you take you could have done this so easily. Only 5mg? What’s going on? I thought you were suffering like me.

ANSWER: I didn’t plan the question and I haven’t planned the reply. My answer is simple: I believe there is great purpose for my life. I’m not afraid to be seen, accept when I am, because I’m human. I’m not afraid to teach or lead by example even when it is painful, accept when I am, because I’m human. I’m not afraid to shout down wrong and stand for good and the righteous, accept when I am, because I’m human.

Do you see? My life is and will always be what I make of it. This is the way of things whether Bipolar or not. We are human. We make choices.

Knowing that benzodiazepines and narcotics are black-box meds (THE WILL LIKELY KILL YOU IF TAKEN TOGETHER) I have always chosen not to take them together.

My answer is simple, if a bit wobbly. I’m going to keep going and learning and growing and I’d love it if you came along too. I’d love to get to know you and hear your story.

No, I’m not a doctor or counselor and I have no medical training nor do I claim to be able to heal anyone. But, we all have our unique stories. They’re OUR stories and our stories can’t do quite a lot of things for us.

Time for me to say goodnight friend. If you have a few minutes and would like to say hello you can reach me at: robin.paterson.redux@gmail.com

Be well, Robin

Bipolar? STILL Doesn’t Mean I’m a Failure

/ Robin / Leave a comment

I took a webinar way back at the beginning of the year that helped me learn how to understand what ADHD is and how to live with it. I was told that I’m “atypical,” I’m not broken. I’m different. I’m not stupid. I can be brilliant, just like anyone else. Bipolar is just like that.

I was given the daunting task of listing 100 successes that I’ve had any time in my entire life. 100! I thought that was nuts! I put it off until the last minute, of course, but I did it. If I’m being honest I didn’t do quite all of them. I’m just too stubborn.

Here’s what I learned:

  • I have Bipolar and ADHD
  • I have had many successes
  • I tend to not see most of my accomplishments as successes
  • I tend to see difficulties as HORRIBLE
  • Not quites as COMPLETE FAILURES
  • I tend not to believe in myself

I’m not going to say that “I don’t believe in myself,” because I’ve been making a conscious choice to stop doing that. Talk about rough and rocky. Who chooses not to be rough on themselves and then stops doing it? I’ll tell you who. YOU AND I. How? Read a little further.

The name of this blog is REDUX. REDUX essentially means to do something again. Do-overs. Second chances. That’s what it means to me. How many times can we do things over? How many second chances do we have? Absolutely as many as we need. Our chances to improve, to be better, to rise, to put our shoulders back, and be proud to be different are unending.

I’m no expert, understand this. In my own life, I have had to accept that I can succeed and that I will fail and that both are okay. The most challenging thing I’m learning is that I don’t really have to forgive myself for having an emotion/mood disorder – for having an illness. It isn’t a moral issue. It’s a brain chemistry issue. Maybe. Probably. Anyway, it is not a moral issue. Unless I do something that goes beyond the emotion/mood and into a deliberate choice I don’t need to forgive myself.

What if I yell at people I love, and I hurt them? Did I mean to hurt them? Umm….. at the moment? Maybe…. When you’re falling out of an airplane, and you’re not sure how far the ground is, pull the chute. Darling, pull the chute. Apologize, and forgive yourself.

But wait, didn’t I just say I didn’t need to forgive myself? Yep. And so goes being human.

Pull the chute. As long as you doubt and question yourself, you won’t move forward. You won’t be able to feel like you’re succeeding. Listen to your heart. You aren’t saying hurtful things because you’re evil. Are you? You aren’t, are you?

I grew up on a ranch of sorts, and we had big animals with big ah… poops. Sorry, manure. I just – it slipped out. Anyway, after cleaning stalls and walking around in the horse runs it was a good idea to kick something hard to get the stuff off your boots and do some firm stomping. Kicking and stomping.

That’s what I’m suggesting. Kick the crap off so you can have another go at it. Same song, second verse. Don’t stop. Do it again. You’re not evil? Good, get up. Get going. Move. Get on with it.

Are you in the ground? No? Then get UP! You’re not a failure.

Bipolar? That Doesn’t Mean I’m a Failure

/ Robin / 1 Comment

On occasion, when I lose my mind and I think I might find support amongst my associates, family members, etc. regarding one of my passion projects (like the book I’m working on). Always – yes, always – they look at me like I’ve completely finished losing my mind.

The really crazy thing is I already have a book of mine in print and I’ve published over a dozen by other authors.

I don’t know what to tell them. Oh wait, I do. Ha! This is very dumbed down, but let me share with you kind of what I say.

I usually explain to the uninformed that, “Everyday that I’m alive, I’m a success story.”

I was explaining how this whole conversation usually goes down to my daughter the other day and this is how it came out instead:

“Everyday I’m above ground, I’m a success…”

Oops—

Still, that’s true too. Maybe even the most true. What do you think?

As a side note: It turns out that I’m not so crazy. I like to check my “pithy” sayings before I post them and I did just that before posting this pity saying. Without trying, this is what I found: “Any day above ground is a good day. Before you complain about anything, be thankful for your life and the things that are still going well.” Germany Kent / “Every day above ground is a good day.” Bernstein (Scarface)

Bipolar – Self-Motivation

/ Robin / Leave a comment

“Personal initiative” are two of the least meaningful words to me as a person with Bipolar Disorder that I can think of. Let’s call it “self-motivation” instead. Depression and sometimes anger take up a lot of my emotional energy and emotional intelligence and derail the best of my intensions.

Daily I face stresses which make it harder to manage my bipolar. Right now immediate issues include putting my cat to sleep today (three hours ago) and three days later beginning moving into town. That’s just this week. After that on August 7th I’ll fly to Tampa, FL so I can drive with my eldest daughter from there to here (near Seattle).

I have to remember that I am striving to break the old patterns of behavior that come from years of my illnesses running unchecked and creating all manner of bad habits. One of those habits is being “self” orientated and completely unmotivated.

Often all I can think about is myself and how to make it through the day. Sometimes it takes all my energy to taking one breath after another, eat regular meals, take my meds, and take care of my animals.

Bipolar Disorder is all about sever mood swings. Swinging sometimes swinging slowly, sometimes quickly from the far left to the far right. I live in a state of movement and flux. Some days, I celebrate stability and forge ahead on the path to my future and my successes: chasing my passions.

I’ve had trouble blogging recently. I’m moving and finding the time and energy to do it has been a challenge. Nevertheless, I still think of my goals and am mindful of how everything I do either moves me towards them or away from them. I’ve been letting the television suck my brain out again. There are endless hours’ reruns of home improvement shows on HGTV and DYI. They’re great channels, but come on, watching a rerun for the fourth time of Flip or Flop? Seriously? I need to get my head out of limbo and start being mentally active.

So look, I’m starting moving Friday unless something goes askew. The movers will be here Monday. I could waste all that time I’m not actively moving because it won’t be convenient to write then, but writing is what I’m trying to do. I feel like chaos has taken up residence in my brain and my thinking processes are all mucked up.

I’ve learned that it doesn’t pay to do anything connected with my definite major purpose, my major goal, my passion, without the deliberate intention of doing it better than I have done it before. I need to always reach further than I have ever done. If I can’t do that I might as well not waste my time because that’s what I’ll be doing. I’ll be going through empty motions and I don’t have the time or energy for that silliness.

Personal initiative, or self-motivation, is an important part of striving to reach my goals. Using it I learn to act as soon as I can, not later when it is convenient, but now, when it matters. When I use it I will want to get started on my work with eagerness knowing it is bringing me closer to my chief aim in life. It is not just about doing my best working for other people, it’s very valuable in pursuing my own passions.

Dreaming big dreams doesn’t make them happen. Getting off my butt and taking the steps towards completing them does. That’s what “personal initiative” is all about. Getting up and making things happen yourself, on your own, without anyone goading you on and trying to get you to strive to go the extra mile. It’s being self-motivated.

Bipolar – Pleasing Personality

/ Robin / 1 Comment

As I look back over the last week I see several days where I had less than a pleasing personality. I wasn’t fun to be around. I guess getting ready to move and all the packing and coordinating is weighing heavily on me and I’m letting it change how I interact with people. I’m allowing it to change me in negative ways. I wasn’t keeping an eye on myself. I should have known that I needed to be careful.

I’ve worked so hard over the years to become someone I like. I like myself a whole lot more now than I did even a year ago, but it’s easy to slide back into the familiar crappy personality I the whole time my bipolar symptoms had free reign with me I wasn’t someone people wanted to know.

I should get a tattoo that says, “Daily, proceed with caution.” That way I’ll remember not to take myself for granted and let a mood swing, even a small one, affect my personality and turn me into a person no one wants to be around.

Twice I took the bipolar bait and let potential negative situations explode into fights with family members. I was surprised with how easily I started becoming the person I was for most of my life. I don’t want to lose the better “me”.

Let me give you an example. I didn’t just argue with my Mom, I fought with her. Neither of us was listening to the other and both were convinced the other was wrong.

My Mom and I fought over money. She supports me financially because I can’t work. I get some money from SSI because I’m officially disabled, but it doesn’t even cover my rent so I really shouldn’t fight with her. Morally, I should show her respect. Etiquette dictates that I be respectful to my mother.

I need to work especially hard to have my mood swings well away from my Mom. We lost my Dad just over a year ago and she’s still grieving. She doesn’t need me coming in and making her feel the way she does when we fight. I know it hurts her. She doesn’t explain things well so when she says something and I react to it as though that’s what she really meant to communicate to me we almost always fight.

I should really be asking her what she means. As I told my kids growing up, “ask good questions.” I will start asking her good questions to make sure I really understand what she means. I’ve been saving money since last September because I figured I’d be moving sometime in the near future. Now it’s July the next year and I’m moving. I’ve got enough money saved to buy a piece of furniture, new towels, flatware, a book case and things like that. Oh and I got a new toaster. She freaked out because although I reassure her I have enough money to buy these things she worries and expects that she’ll end up paying for them because that’s the way things have always been in the past.

I’ve always relied on her to bail me out financially. I didn’t go out and buy things I didn’t need, but she couldn’t see that. She just saw $$$ and doesn’t really trust me yet. I don’t blame her.

I’ve kept how much money I have saved private because I didn’t want her trying to make me spend it on paying for the movers or house cleaners. Maybe I should pay for them, but I’m not going to and I’ve explained why to her. I want my own things when I move into my own house. Everything I have is from her. She uses things, gets tired of them, and gives them to me. I don’t even have bath towels that I bought for myself. I’m 53 and I’m still getting hand-me-downs.

Yes, I’m thankful she’s taking care of my needs, but just this once I want to buy somethings for myself. She says she understands that, but I think she still thinks I’ll spend recklessly because that’s what I’ve always done in the past. I’m not going to do that. I’m paying for things as I go so I won’t overspend. I hope I’ll earn her trust as we go through this situation.

I’ve probably told you more than you want to know about the situation, but I have a good reason for that. As painful as it is to admit to anyone but myself that I let myself out of control and let my swinging moods overrun me, I’m admitting it now. I wasn’t careful and I let my mood change who I was.

I was acting like I used to act when we fought all the time. I really don’t want to blow all the hard work I’ve done or our relationship just because of some stress over moving. It was stupid really. I was just being stubborn and didn’t want to tell her how much money I have. To me it’s the only thing that’s really mine, I felt that she didn’t need to know how much money I’ve saved. I believed it wasn’t her business.

I finally reassured her things would be fine, but I did have to tell her how much money I’ve saved up. I told her I have enough to buy the things I’d showed her I was buying.

You know I did try to not fight about it. I sent her links to what I wanted to buy and asked her what she thought. I don’t know that she saw anything but the price. I think we’ve come to an understanding. I feel like my personality is intact again. There are so many things that affect our personalities. I think we all want people to like us. The way I was behaving wasn’t doing that.

Today I have been reflecting on losing my temper during the week. I think I’ve spotted what the triggers were. Now I’m more prepared for the next time my moods poke me and try to make me behave badly. I’m committed to having a pleasing personality. After all, I figure I’m more likely to be successful if people like me, and don’t try to avoid my bitchy ass.

My quest for reaching my goals and following my passions are back on track. Everything impacts these things. I’m not going to give up my dreams because my moods are swinging. I respect my moods and their swings, but I’m determined to live my life with positive passion.

Having a pleasing personality will move me towards my objectives. I’m committed to developing it.