Bipolar – Urges – So Hard to Repress

I first recall having these urges when I was a teenager and I was babysitting some kids in my neighborhood. The house was beautiful. One whole wall was glass and was above an embankment leading down to the woods far below. I was sitting in a chair facing the glass. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming urge to throw myself through the windows and down the embankment. Confusion and fear overwhelmed me. To resist, I held onto the arms of the chair I was sitting in. The urge was terrifying. I continued to have similar urges through the years.

Later, when I was in Bible college, I remember clearly standing in line for lunch and having the same terrifying urge. I tried not to whimper as I struggled not to act on my urges. I felt like I had to scream and run around knocking people over and throwing their food trays. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. It was so frightening.

What made it so much more difficult to understand was that two professors at the school had been trying to cast demons out of me. I didn’t think of the urges as having anything to do with spiritual things (more about this another day) and I still don’t.

Through the years the violent urges continued to occur to me with frightening fury. They didn’t stop after college. Sometimes I gave into the dark urges. I would throw things and break them to pieces. I screamed and yelled and threw more things.

Eventually I had three children. I was divorced and raising my kids on my own. The kids were often terrified. Sometimes I did snap and the urges would overwhelm me in public. I frightened some people and made others angry. My brother’s partner wouldn’t talk to me for years because once at their business (they own the family business) I lost my temper and the urge to strike out won. I picked up the lunch room table and threw it across the room while screaming and raging.

The violent urges are still with me. Lately they’ve been growing in intensity again. Just yesterday at school I had to restrain myself from screaming at people and shoving them violently.

I was petrified. What if I couldn’t control myself again?

Last night I was thinking about what I was feeling and I realized that I’ve never told any of my counselors or psychologists about it. I’ve decided to keep track of these disturbing impulses and explain what happens to my counselor. I hope I can get across just how disturbing and powerful these urges are.

Does anyone else experience these kinds of urges? How do you deal with them?

ADHD with James Patterson

My kids don’t understand this… maybe you won’t either, but when I read or watch stories that contain horrible violence I feel violated. I think that’s the right word to describe it. They say that we like to watch (read) shows that scare us because we feel empathy for the characters. I think of my extreme emotions like they as though they are violent; they visit violence upon my soul, my spirit. When I read a horrific passage in a book I want to stop reading it. This is what happened when I was reading James Patterson’s novel Private Down Under.

My brain is divided on the subject of his novels. I love the very very fast pace they fly at. I have a hard time stomaching the violence especially that done to women.

Yes, it’s a page turner and I wanted to know what happened to the characters, but I also didn’t want to watch. I finished the book in two days which for me is amazing considering I’m ADHD and it isn’t all that under control. In five minutes I can cover as many topics. It doesn’t help me get things done. For example writing is very difficult for me to do. I can hardly control my thoughts long enough to write something that makes sense.

Back to the book. It really is a pretty good book. I felt like I was lost here and there. I think this might have happened because of the way it’s written. The chapters average about a page and a half. The action is fast paced. All the good guys (especially the gals) are unnaturally beautiful.

That’s about all my brain can bring you right now. I’d give the book a 7 out of 10.