Bipolar and Panic?

Hi, hullo and greetings to y’all!

Wow. Here I am again. I mean “wow” because that’s how things tend to be. I struggled so hard last year to keep my brain together and spending time angry, confused, abandoned and really isolated that it never occurred to me that I was… acting normal.

Yeah, Kind of odd. I know that.

I have an objective, errr… an intent I suppose, to tell you what’s been going on in my head and my life just briefly before I fall asleep. At least that’s the plan. The sleep part is for sure the plan.

I just finished a challenging and possibly lifechanging 10 week webinar course that taught us about how coming together like that in the small group setting to learn about each other and about the particulars of our experiences, what we hoped to learn from the course, and more. I acknowledged that I have ADHD. It was easy to finally feel like I wasn’t a fraud because you know what? Every single other person there has it too.

I feel liberated from those few people who felt that just because I was told that I had these extra letters following close behind the other letters following me, didn’t mean I was trying to be lazy or milk the system. OMG! Milk the system. For what? My monthly stipend of less than $800 a month.

<Do you see how random I’m being? No? I am trying very hard to sound like I’m at least trying to make sense.>

Two things for tonight:

  1. ADHD is a serious learning disability that have a potentially devastating impact on myself and those around me. Worse yet…
  2. Bipolar Type 1 is the name of my little world that has no bounds. I’ve come up against the idea that there is no research or course of treatment suggested when the client has both Bipolar Type 1 and ADHD together.
  3. Sorry, there is a third one after all. If no one knows how to treat both diseases in the same person’s head at the same time… Yeah, I don’t want to go there just now.
  4. Geeze. I’ve been hysterically everyday so far this week. I’m just sure that if anyone were to look into my ears you’d see my brain turning to liquid!

{Remind me to tell you about the breakthrough I had with my bonkers Med Provider and about hysteria just underneath the skin the next time we talk.}

Knowing what I do about Bipolar, and now what I’ve learned about ADHD I think I’m justified in saying that… I’m screwed. <Wait! That should have been in caps… sec.> I’M SCREWED!

Treatment for one can make the other worse and so forth and so on till well after the serpent has eaten its own tail.

It isn’t as though I want to be unemployable. It just happens that this is my reality in the here and now. My shouting at walls to make them move over … now, that sounds silly even to me.

Please pardon me. I’ve been sleeping an hour or so a night then I will eventually fall doing something like sitting straight up or using my laptop or talking. So, then I crash and sleep for two whole days. Why is this such a problem if I’m on disability? That’s way too loaded of a question to talk about while I’m falling asleep. But it will be part of my next visit with you… very soon.

I’ll be posting a link to Eric’s podcast and his webinar soon incase you’re interested. The cool thing was that I found a whole ton of stuff that I could apply from one illness to the other.

Sleep well my friends. Sleep well.

 

Robin

 

When is it Time to Cut My Losses?

$ NUGGET $ Keep reading. There’s something you may find interesting here. It’s lower.

I started writing this from my iPad mini after I’d already gotten into bed. I realized I wanted to talk about stuff. While I’m typing, I’m holding the iPad in my left hand, the hand attached to the shoulder I’ve injured.

What’s going on? Well, in a nutshell, I’m in a crap load of pain. My brain isn’t letting go of things as cleanly or sometimes at all as I’d like it to.

I’m trying to be careful, but my shoulder has joined ranks with my other mutineering (?) body parts, and also those I no longer own, and is demanding the island house for the weekend. So…

A. Is there ever a reason to stop doing something and accept my losses?

$ NUGGET $ Little bit more. Hang in there!

B. Can I slow myself down enough to focus all my attention on using the style of meditation I use to go to sleep on this really horrible, no good, rotten, albino vampire, broke tooth fairy pain?

C. I can’t remember… I can just imagine you telling me to stop talking, get out of my own, and go TO SLEEP!

D. I injured my shoulder trying to use a 3# hand weight… incorrectly I assume. I felt something bad, then found myself on the ground. Too much? Too fast? Too broken? Oh hell NO! I’m not having any of that! Not after all this.

I’m going to meditate. I’m going to sleep. Then, in the morning, I’m going to have my Friday. Time to cut my losses?

No. Not today. Just time to rest… per chance to dream —

E. I may resist things I’m learning in the workshop I’m participating in on learning to change the very face of ADHD…. wow that’s sooo terrible!

I’m soooooo stubborn. Can I hear an AMEN?!

AMEM!

IF, if I can use these new tools to slow down enough, to understand that my brain isn’t existing in a secret realm where only mania can exist. If I can just adapt these new ways of interpreting my brain, my life, my world, then I know, that….

look, let’s be frank. I’m bonkers. Got stars for synapses. When I brain dump and record all that I’m thinking even I wonder at the bombastic bananas bonking around behind my eyes.

“This person is OFF her meds!”

No, I am ON my meds. You can know this by the fact that this post contains less than 51 topics, isn’t an attempt to speak in pig-Latin fluently, and … sorry, got distracted again.

This is so messy.

That’s okay with me.

This is who I am.

$ NUGGET $

How does a bipolar 1 (AKA manic/depressive), ADHD, chronic pain patient resist abusing the Oxycodone that my provider pushes on me every month? Interesting, right?

Good night.

Less Stress is Best – For Everyone

In my last post, I shared a laundry list of things I felt were related to times of extended and elevated stress. As a person who has Bipolar 1, I’m acutely sensitive to stress in my environment, my social life, my home life… Well, you get the idea… in my head. You might say, “Robin, everyone experiences stress and might have cause junk to happen to them.” Fair enough.

I can only speak to my own experiences and circumstances as I interpret them. And it isn’t just that. I have to notice them too. Sometimes I get so preoccupied with something that I just don’t see what’s right in front of me.

Let me give you a quick example. I have battled IBS-d since I was married way back in 1989. Of course, it wasn’t a “thing” then. In fact, I never mentioned it to my doctor. There wasn’t a commercial on TV alerting me to the notion that I might have this thing, this real thing, called IBS-d.

Bipolar Disorder is supposed to be a “mood disorder.” Taking that at face value, let’s assume that stress is going to make managing my symptoms (the rolly-polly moods) incredibly more difficult. Let’s also assume that the stress and resulting crushing weight of experiencing increasingly intense stress (wow, too many words!).

Listen, in my experience as a person with Bipolar 1, ADHD and PTSD I can tell you with certainty (you know, because I experienced it and that makes it true) that stress caused me to have IBS-d. How do I know that and didn’t I notice myself making fun of myself just one sentence ago? Sure, I noticed. We’re talking about subjective emotions though. Think of it like that pain chart they use in the ER at any hospital in the US. “Rate your pain. Which smiley face??”

Seriously? You’re going to treat me based upon what I think my smiley face ought to be?

How are you feeling today Robin?
“My anxiety feels like it’s crushing me. I can’t sleep or think. I’ve started waking up violently angry. I’ve started yelling again and throwing things. I just can’t get it all to stop!”
Have you been able to focus?

Excuse me?

I graduated in June of last year (2018) and within two months of that time, my “IBS-d” disappeared. Creepy right? I know! Like aliens…

Alien, nigthmare, spirit...
Creepy… I think that guy might have had some comet!

Seriously though, haven’t had a blackout or eaten Comet since then. Well, I think there was one more blackout… but my memory can be sketchy at times so yes? No? Beats me.

We’re talking about emotions.

Emotions are NOT measured by drug tests.
Emotions cannot be quantified by subjective human talk therapy.
I can’t even relate to you my emotions so that you’ll understand what I mean.
In every single college class I’ve been in when the professor asks for opinions or invites discussion, no one ever agrees with everyone (sometimes anyone) across the board. Nope. Nadda.

Does this seem like a jumble? Am I talking about IBS-d or how to describe emotions? Actually, what am I talking about? Have I lost focus?

No, I haven’t. Not this time.

I no longer have any symptoms of IBS-d.

Is everything else better? Oh hell no! But, I’ll take this victory and I’ll hold onto it because I’m not locked in my house 24/7 every day anymore.

At least… not right now.

I Ate COMET – My Response to Extended Stressed

Normally doesn’t kill.
Tastes like yuck.

During my last quarter (a year ago) at university, I had a dream, a dream… I’m sure it was a dream. I’d taken the bottle of Comet out of the bathroom and licked the bottom of it. The powder spread in my mouth and I spit and wiped my tongue on my sleeve.

It was disgusting. The taste spread in my mouth.

It wouldn’t go away.

Was I trying to kill myself?

I looked at the carpet next to my bed – a bottle of Comet sat… staring at me.

And then – I woke up.

This episode was one of a handful of incidents occurring during that last year.

The following list are symptoms that I feel are directly caused by my stress and anxiety.

  • Developing a facial tick  
  • The anxiety that ripped my face off – but NOT my tick
  • Double down depressed, then anxiety comes along and suddenly you have more energy… enough in fact… to say I’m in a mixed state
  • Waking up angry again (Okay honestly, I was heading back to becoming a full-time bitch.)
  • Not sleeping (sleeping pills didn’t help. Likewise, exercise.)
  • Crippling anxiety (I put the exact date and time into my calendar and set an alarm… to buy my parking pass for the upcoming quarter, the fall quarter, as in AFTER summer. I worried about it all summer.)
  • Mixed mood states (Mania and depression working at the same time and never cooperating with one another.)
  • Mania (It ran rampant, never slowing down, taking a breath or pausing to considering which direction to charge to next.)
  • Devastating depression
  • DEVELOPED IBS-D (IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME WITH DIARRHEA). I missed classes. Not all professors were understanding or forgiving.  
  • 2 (TWO) colonoscopes! In one week!

Sorry guys. I’m so horrible at making simple lists. Usually, I give up on trying to do it most of the time. It takes me FOREVER! And… then I don’t post at all. And so, we have long-winded bullet lists. {Doesn’t that make them paragraphs, rather than bullet lists?}

{I did seek out medical help because I think eating Comet is bizarre, and I didn’t want to die.}
It does turn out that some people become addicted to eating it, while others simply like the way it tastes. I’m going to stick to ice cream.


Bipolar – Lesson Learned

Just a quickie…

Illustration:
There is a white car just up the hill on a flat street who is totally and completely stuck. He’s in slush. He’s also been revving his engine and spinning out for the last half hour or so. It has been going on so long I finally got up to look. As I looked up the road (our house is at the beginning of a fairly good sized hill) and saw the car, a family car calmly drove straight down our hill. No problem.

Lesson to All of Us:
They say, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
They should also say, “If it’s broke, FIX IT.”

Warning:
The consequences of disregarding the lesson and doing the same thing over and over(You know where I’m going with this, don’t you?) and always getting the same result is pure insanity.

Are you going to heed the warning? Or embrace insanity?

We MUST learn to change and adapt. If we don’t, if we allow our condition to deteriorate, it’s our own damn fault if we crash and burn.

@This assumes you’re stable or doing well enough to fight it.