Overthinking. Ruminating. Ponder. Muse. Ruminant – to chew the cud.
Meditate. To chew again, over and over.
Reflect. Contemplate. Excogitate.
As far back
as I can remember I’ve been paralyzed by something so strange, so alien to me,
that I didn’t recognize it for what it was. When I thought (and still struggle
with thinking) that I was a broken failure of a human and didn’t deserve to
live because obviously I had no value and had no reason to live. I hated
that this ever so destructive way of thinking was normal. Why?
One of the
things I tried to glue my mind together (Not “back” together. It felt as though
it never was together.) was by immersing myself in Christianity. I read the Scriptures,
attended Bible study, prayer group, youth group, church services, retreats and
sang with Christian groups.
This is what
I discovered: I was a sinner who couldn’t stop sinning. I hated myself even
more because I failed again, over and over. If I was a Christian and was
honestly giving myself to God and welcoming the Holy Spirit to dwell within me
why couldn’t I obey even the simplest of commands?
much more to this part of my story but for now I want to talk briefly about
something I only realized about a month ago… I’m a perfectionist. Or, I have the
same weird ways of thinking about myself a perfectionist does. In any case:
A few times
in my life I’ve been forced by circumstances to begin something and follow
through with it. Let me give you an example of something I quit, I never put
effort into, and I was humiliated that I didn’t get a blue ribbon even though I
never did anything to earn one. We had show horses while I was growing up. We
showed Tennessee Walking Horses. My mom and dad showed, and both were pretty
good at it. Our trophy and ribbon collection grew and grew. But none of that
was any thing I’d earned. I wanted to.
desperately for people to like me because I was a winner. I was a youth then. I
didn’t realize that this wasn’t the way friendship worked. It seemed to me that
all the clapping the winner got meant that they were popular, and that people
win. I couldn’t practice because I was afraid, I wouldn’t win. I never won, so
I didn’t practice. Umm… Yeah.
sometimes my day (all of our days) can take a drastic turn hard right and
change from what I was doing and planned to do, into a smoldering wreck of
pulled butt and pain. So… yeah.
and I just too, my dog Bailey out for a walk. Jessica was going to walk to the
store for some groceries and Bailey and I were turning around to walk home.
the street Bailey and I became tangled – and I pulled, maybe even tore my right
glute. Yes, that would be my right ass. I struggled .75 miles to get back home.
I can hardly move. The nurse on call recommends that if I am unable to get up
or down from a chair or walk or bear weight on that leg, that I go to the
emergency room. And if all that is the case and I can’t get into the car so
Jessica can drive me, if I can’t get in and out safely, then we need to call
911 so they can transport me safely.
Well holy hell!!
Talk to you
more soon. Oiy!
Be well, be