Anxiety

Garbage

/ Robin

Kyle and his girlfriend Melanie and both our dogs were out at the park walking and visiting and we talked about Jen (next door neighbor in the duplex) for a few minutes then moved into talking to the more pertinent issue of the garbage dumpster. Kyle and I have an agreement. I fill a box up with trash everyday so I can get ready to move and he takes it to the dumpster when he gets home from work or first thing in the morning. He spent quite a bit of time at work or at Melanie’s house this week so he hasn’t been around to take the trash out.

Now I have to tell you about our dumpster. It lives right in front of our part of the duplex. We’re the very first domicile on our private road. All the houses on our road use this dumpster. I have never seen so few people put so much garbage out at one time. Okay, maybe I’m wrong about that. I’m sure there aren’t too many studies done of watching who throws away what and how much. My spot in the living room is right in the corner where when I look outside I see the yard and the dumpster. Day before yesterday I watched a couple back their very familiar truck up to the dumpster, flip both lids open on the dumpster and start emptying the contents of the bed of their truck. It isn’t even summer yet and still, they’re already throwing away more liquor bottles than the local bar does. On top of that they put a bunch of that black PVC tubing that was loosely wound in. I fumed a bit that Kyle wasn’t home still to take my trash out. I was running out of places to stack garbage in the livingroom.

Then Jen cleaned out her garage and filled up the other side half way at least. I don’t know where she gets stuff to throw away from every spring. Every single spring since we’ve lived here she’s bitched and moaned about how much stuff she has to clean out of her garage. There wasn’t that much, but it did fill the dumpster nearly half full on that side. I watched with dismay as my dumpster quickly filled to the top. The right hand side wasn’t even closing all the way now.

We have some new neighbors, whom I’ve not met, that live in the left hand side of the duplex next to ours. They, brought out a huge roll of carpet and filled up the second side of the dumpster. Now both ….. Wait a minute, someone else has crammed more on top of the already full dumpster. Shit. Now we have to wait for the garbage truck to come on Tuesday. I’ll tell you what, I’m going to have a huge pile ready to fill it up myself this time.

Isn’t it funny how we jockey for position in the dumpster. I know the neighbors do it too. Some Tuesdays as soon as the dump truck comes and empties out the trash … oh you are kidding me. Someone is trying to put more garbage in. He’s over there jamming three more white trash bags on top. Good heavens. What did everyone decide to take out their trash on Sunday this week? It’s a good thing I don’t have any smelly trash to take out.

Well, the dumpster is now much fuller than it was yesterday while I was at the park with the kids. Kyle spent all of his time off of work Friday evening and Saturday at Melanie’s so he wasn’t around to take out the garbage I’d prepared for him Thursday.

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Probably not. After all, when the crows start ripping it all apart it is my yard it all goes in. And, I have piles of trash all over the house too.

You know what this reminds me of?

I dunno.

I was hoping you did.

I’ve got my website up and am working on putting content in it. If you drop by let me know what you think. The Etiquette of Madness.

Changes and Triggers

/ Robin

By now I know that major changes in my life can trigger an episode. This is true for everyone who suffers from Bipolar Disorder. Last September I went to Florida to see my daughter for ten days. We spent nearly every day at one of the amusement parks. That plus the flights there and back were major stressors for me. Then just a few days after I got back, I started back to school at the University of Washington at Tacoma. That was another even bigger stressor. I admit, I didn’t do great dealing with the overload and eventually had to start on a chill pill so I could get back to where I could function.

Now I’m taking spring quarter off from school (another stressor) and am looking for a small house to buy closer to town (yet another stressor). I’m hoping that my son will move out when I move (stressor) so that I can just get it all over with at one time.

I’ve been reading one the books on my “Books” page called “The Bipolar Survival Guide” and it reminded me that these types of stressors can lead to episodes. I’ve not only got one stressor, but since my dad passed last year in January it’s been nonstop stress.

How am I doing? I’m listening to my dog and playing more and taking her to the park to walk her with my son, his girlfriend and her dog. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating okay. I’m trying to eat better. I’m taking my meds on schedule. I’m not doing my usual occasional night of skipping my meds for a night just because I can, because that’s a stupid and risky thing to do. I have some wine in the refrigerator that I will be getting rid of. No more alcohol. I have enough stressors and triggers tapping on my “overload’ button without me purposefully adding more.

How am I doing right now? I want some of that Hersey chocolate frozen pie stuff, that’s how I’m doing.

I really wish I had some!

So now begins the time when I have enough time to realize how stressed I am and actually act stressed. I’m not looking forward to having free time. How’s that for weird?

Growing Up

/ Robin

My son is my last child at home. He recently turned 21. He has his first girlfriend and a job and a car. I’ve been waiting for him to say he’s going to move into a house with some of his friends. This morning (Monday), before he went to work, he did just that. “What do you think mom?” He asked. What was I supposed to say? I knew it was coming. I just wish it hadn’t. I haven’t lived alone since 1986.

I’m looking for a house to buy. Since I’m on disability and without an income other than what I get from the government my mother is helping me with the financing. I’m hoping my son will stay with me until I move. There are two reasons for this. First, I need his help throwing stuff out. I make a small pile every day to go to the dumpster and he takes it out for me. I need his muscles. Second, I feel like it will be easier for me to be alone in a smaller house that I can take care of things myself in. Here I have to go up or down two sets of stairs with groceries. He usually does that for me. There are a lot of reasons I want him to wait, but let’s be honest… I’ll miss him and feel like I need his support with this whole moving situation (mine and his).

I don’t know what will end up happening, but it will be a challenge. It scares me.

Why I’ve Gone Back to College at 53

/ Robin / 5 Comments

This last fall (September 2015) I started classes full time at the University of Washington Tacoma taking a full load. This is something of a miracle because I live with Bipolar 1, PTSD, ADHD, and a healthy dose of anxiety. Lots of anxiety. You might think going back to school, and being around all those people, and having to get up when I’m depressed, and write papers when I’m depressed, stressed, manic and full of anxiety is a pretty fool-hearted thing to do. It may be. It certainly hasn’t been easy. I admit it probably triggered the episode I’m riding out right now. But still, here I am. I made Dean’s List (I got good grades) last quarter.

I’m here because I have been being a no one. I’ve had nothing to do and not a thing to contribute to society. I’m here because my brain needed a jumpstart. And, I’m here to learn to do the things I need to know in order to reach some of my goals.

How’ve I been doing? I’ve had melt downs. I skipped classes once last quarter. I’ve freaked out over writing papers (It was about 30 years ago that I wrote my last paper.) Every week brings new challenges and triumphs. Yes, I’ve had some triumphs along with my bumps and bruises. I’ve been terrified a lot. Even the drive to and from and parking make me anxious. I leave an hour and a half before class so I’m never late and always have a place to park. (It’s how I cope.)

I’ve gone into this with my eyes open and done all I can do to prepare. I’ve registered with the Disability Services office because I’m legally disabled and I need to be able to tap their help when I need it (like having longer to take a test) and I do. Near the end of last quarter I had a meltdown that sent me to my doctor who put me on a chill pill. It was like magic. I could calm down and think. I was able to finish the quarter actually have finished writing the papers and remembered to turn them in. (This was the chill Pill I mentioned a few days ago.)

What am I getting out of this? As I’ve said I needed a jolt to my brain. I’ve always fancied myself a communicator and I’d lost my ability to do that. I had even stopped my sloppy blogging.

I took a huge risk. I’m still taking that risk and it is paying off. I’m being challenged to think in ways I haven’t thought in years. I feel smarter though in all probability it’s just the cobwebs coming lose. I’m also driving some of my classmates nutty by asking them questions that any Freshman should know. But I’m a transfer student and I’ve forgotten all that Freshman stuff. Plus, now we use technology and not paper and pencil. I’ve had a lot to learn even with the basics like how to turn in an assignment online. Not everyone is patient and willing to answer these kinds of questions.

If you’ve been thinking of challenging yourself and reaching outside of your comfort zone I encourage you to try it. You can always go home and refuse to leave again. Or, maybe you’ll like the way that it makes you feel.

Bipolar – Mental Jello

/ Robin / 1 Comment

Mental Jello. I think that might be a good way to describe how I am when I’m not well medicated and am generally not doing well. You know how it is, when I’m in hell. my brain jiggles around a lot and never can grab onto anything.

I was reminded today that, as they say, “I am largely responsible for how I feel.” If I were a Normal person I would completely agree, but I’m not a Normal person. I’m a Bipolar person and controlling my feelings and thoughts are the very problem that I deal with on a day to day basis. I would reword that statement something like this, “I would be largely responsible for my thoughts and feelings, but I have a mental illness and that is often not possible.” What do you think?

As I say normally, I’m responsible for how I feel and acknowledge it is “empowering” to know this. However… I must also acknowledge the FACT that when my mental illness overwhelms me, I’m NOT entirely responsible for what I think. And, if what I think determines how I feel I’m Jello.

One of the biggest problems I have to deal with that indicate whether I’m doing well or not is way overspending. I might go into the grocery store and come out with two bags more than the one or two things I went in for and always one of them is a book or magazine. I deal with this by not going into the grocery store. And how do I manage not to grocery shop considering the difficulties presented with this since I’m single? Simple. My kids that still live at home are 17 and 20. I send them in. They only get what’s on the list. Nothing more. (Usually)

I’ve been learning that my “fix” to my overspending problem isn’t really helping me. The anxiety I’m feeling sitting in the parking lot about shopping leads to avoidance, not coping. Avoidance then leads to more anxiety and around we go in a Jello bowl. (Sorry that was really bad.)

According to this book I’m reading (Unless I’m doing very poorly I’m always reading. In fact, not reading is one of the first danger signals my brain throws at me when I’ve crashed.) negative self-talk, what I’m thinking concerning myself, is a series of bad habits. These bad habits are not something I’m born with. I learn them.

This is helpful to know and not so helpful. When I’m doing very badly I rage against this kind of thing. What thing? Being told I’ve learned to think the way I do. The truth for my Bipolar self is that I was born with a mental illness that at it’s core is negative self-talk.

My new plan, while I’m doing well, is to stop sitting in the car telling myself I’ll just blow it again and spend money we need for other things and go in and shop. But first I’m going to work on this negative Jello like self-talk and replace it with positive thoughts. I realize that pulling a spoon out of Jello is usually messy, but I can learn right now to deal with myself better. Dealing with things like grocery shopping now, in a “doing well” period, is very important. It gives me a chance, no matter how small, of not crashing as bad next time.

But hello hell. Soon the kids will both move out and it will just be me and Bailey (my service dog in training) and I’ll have to do it myself. God that just terrifies me. Living alone without my support team… My anxiety Jello is already jiggling.

Be well Friend.