Bipolar type 1

Bipolar – What is it?

/ Robin / 1 Comment

I thought it might be a good time to share with you what I think is one of the best explanations of what Bipolar Disorder is that I’ve come across in all the years I’ve known I have (am?) it. Read on:

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out daily tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder can be severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.
(NIMH Bipolar)

I admit that when I was a single parent of three young children life was less than fun. I was very sick. I spent what time I could be “normal” growing my kids up so they would be productive and good members of our society. More than that, I wanted their lives have the potential to make a difference somehow.

Despite my Bipolar (Type 1) I kept at it making memories when I couldn’t buy the kids stuff their friends and exploring their world around them. They had me at home and my “mostly” full attention all the time. Most kids don’t get that do they? Today, years later, most of my kid’s friends come from broken, dysfunctional and unhealthy families. We try to make our home a haven for these kids, welcoming them in if they behave like good people. We have standards we maintain here. No drugs, no dating my kids, and we encourage the kids not to be sexually active. Okay, the kids themselves try to encourage that. Why? Because it messes them up more. If they have a bad family life you can bet that heavy dating isn’t going to be the answer. The answer comes from within. Just like it does for you and I.

I have Bipolar Disorder in Aces and Spades… Full on and all the time. Yet, today I’m under the supervision of competent med provider and counselor (mostly lol) and you know what I suffered the affects from today? My ADHD. Yep. Like wow. My Bipolar is in order for the time being (and I take all my meds). Now to deal with the ADHD.

I cleaned house today. Until my back pain (I have chronic back pain and FM) and my right thumb (arthritis) slowed me down and demanded my painkiller and muscle relaxer.

It’s a fine line I walk with my meds. (Each person who prescribes for me knows all the other drugs I’m on. Still I check for drug interactions. That would suck.) Managing the pain in my brain and the pain in my body is difficult to do.

Here’s what I’ve learned. Drugs meant for one thing do NOT help for the other thing. Painkillers do not help Bipolar Disorder. This is what I remind myself of so I keep on the narrow track:

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out daily tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder can be severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.
(NIMH Bipolar)

You would do well to remember this too my friend, no matter what else happens or what else you suffer from, this Bipolar is a different beast and you’d best not forget it nor neglect it lest it eat your life to bits.

I invite you to visit my re-blog of this blog on Facebook under Redux 2.0. Share this blog with your friends if you think it would help them or help them understand you.

Here you will always have the truth as I find it and as I discover it within myself. I will always try my best to be honest with you.

Write me, I answer all emails. I’m pleased to receive them.

Be well. Remember there is hope for you as there is hope for me…. take one hour at a time.

Your friend, Robin

Bipolar Parent – Clash of the Titans

/ Robin

I am Bipolar Type 1.
I have ADHD.
I am a parent of seemingly “normal” kids.
I am the daughter of a Titan, an undiagnosed Bipolar Type 1.

I say “Type 1” because to me this is the most dangerous. We act out in more dangerous ways. We are harder to control and stay within societies boundaries.

One of my most constant and worst places to be is in the land of RAGE.

My Rage has been under control for a good amount of time. I’m taking my meds. I just took my meds. I’m feeling what seems to be the old familiar rage.

This Bipolar daughter was part of her bipolar father (73 and has brain cancer) being belligerent and violent towards my mother tonight. All it took was for him to finally act on his growing agitation by refusing his meds and then pushing my mom over and making her phone fly out of her hand. Later he pushed me into the walker. I don’t care about me, but no one lays a hand on my mom.

I’m so glad my son came with me tonight. Somehow I just knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with him tonight. The situation escalated so quickly that I had to get the neighbors to come over to help us.

I’ll tell you this, no matter how much medication you take, when your brain is swelling and it is changing someone there is not much to do but try to prepare for… for what?

He pushed my mom over. As the evening has progressed tonight and Kyle and I are finally home. My son has finally gone to bed I paused to take my many pills I was feeling a familiar beast that had returned without my being aware of it earlier and now is making itself know… I’m enraged. Is that different than feeling the rage of Bipolar? I wouldn’t know. They happen in the same brain. I think, I suspect they start the same.

My father with Dementia was physical tonight. Somewhere I love him. We’ve fought terribly and with rage with one another most of my life (at least that was my response to him).

When does anger become rage for me? When it becomes the beast behind my eyes blinding my good judgement. When it raises from deep within my mind and kicks all those years of horror right back. When I want to hurt this demented man who has hurt my mother and may hurt her physically again. I want to him stop.

My will are like steal. I raised three kids on my own. I know what it is like to have to be on alert all the time. But this is a full grown man who can hurt someone. And, he is my father. That changes the game completely.

I’m angry no one listened to me when I voiced my opinion on “dad” proofing the house. Granted it was a cell phone that flew, but he has a lot of stuff he could use to hurt my mom with.

Hell no.

I really need my brother to be on the same page with me. I seem to be there when dad is acting the worst. Of course I also am with him when he is doing well. But this week for my time with him has mostly be challenging to say the least.

My ears heart. I want to hurt him back.

It’s time to stop and regroup. Time to check in with my support people and make sure these are normal emotions and not my “illness”. If my meds need to be adjusted so I behave then so be it. I’ll do what it takes.

But I have to control the growing rage and morph it into compassion if I can. I have to be loving when I go back.

Me (the younger Titan) and my father (the elder Titan) locked wills tonight through no fault of our own and neither backed down. He didn’t get passed me to my mom. Eventually he took his meds from my son while the neighbors sat nearby. I hope he sleeps well.

The other day my mom woke up to find his rifle on the bed next to them.

Seeds for anger… seeds for rage… now it’s my job to use what I’ve learned over the 51 years I’ve been around to see if I can pull back to normal anger levels… to cope.

I believe I can.

Good night my friend

Please recommend my blog to others and consider following it yourself. I’d love to hear from you too. Have you experienced backwards Bipolar parenting too?

Bipolar Parent – What Kind of Example Am I?

/ Robin / 1 Comment

I’ve taught my kids to tell the truth to my counselor, med provider and myself when talking about how I am doing. Were I to ask them about the last two days their report would… okay, it would suck.

I’m not going to whine and snivel and tell you how awful things are for me because right now things are pretty good. I haven’t gone out to buy new clothes, but I have the cash to do so. We don’t eat out or regularly go to the movies, but we could go in our current situation. We’ve just spent a few lovely days with their sister (my eldest lol). She’s gone back to Tampa but we left each other with a sinus thing. Yum. She’ll be back on the 18th for three weeks! I can’t wait.

This is just the problem with me… always looking to the imagined fixed or better future while neglecting, not my kids, but myself. This time I let myself get out of rhythm with taking my meds. I’m not sure when I took them and when I didn’t. Was it morning, afternoon, evening…. when? When did I last do it right?

I was trying to think of a way to share what a wonderful time we had with my daughter here, and it was great… but that’s not what I’m telling you about friend. That’s not what’s eating away at my heart.

My behavior is largely governed by my taking the medications my med provider and I have concluded that I need and that I take them as prescribed. They are my lifeline to my world. They provide me with the possibility that I might enjoy a day, and another day, and another one after that, and…. where could the future take me?  No, that’s wrong. Meds aren’t the only lifeline for me. The first and most important is, well, it’s me.

I’m the example… who I am and what I do with myself. Daily, like did I take my meds?

My example to my kids pretty regularly (the cycle of my bipolar life) is self-destructive… year after year. You know what I mean, don’t you? If you are Bipolar, especially BP 1 you know what I mean…the cycle – Rage. Fury. Destruction. Suffocation. Despair. Resignation. Self-destruction… we know, don’t we?

My example to my kids and to my puppy even, has been that of one who has gone off her meds for reasons unknown. Then the self-destruction begins, the downward spiral. Then I implode upon my little family. I fear for the day one of them may say it is too much for them – I am too much for them.

But they love me. As much as I’d like to have them ask me for forgiveness it is more often I who asks it of them. I’m not trite about it. Sometimes I know we need to forgive each other and through my anger… sometimes I can stop myself long enough for that to happen.

What example am I?

Better today, than yesterday.

Bipolar – Fractured

/ Robin

I don’t like to talk about the spin, the time when I free fall and cannot make myself stop. When anger and grief and pain explode in my life… not just my brain. What I think, this is what and who I am.

For the moment. Sometimes these moments can draw on for the proverbial eternity and we try to think, if we could, that we’re coming near the end, that we cannot stand this anymore.

I didn’t have more than brief moments of these things. Most of the time I have been so manic that I thought my brain would implode from shear spinning. You see my friend, I’m a mixed Bipolar 1. Those of you who aren’t familiar with this condition, congratulations. Today you win the lottery. This last few weeks have been terrible. I have been very depressed and unable to see it or deal with it. When it was suggested that this might be where my massive irritation was coming from I had a difficult time admitting that it probably was. (See how I did that? I still skirted around it.)

I have exploded, with my kids present, too many times. Recently, too many times. Okay, not exactly always at them. Sometimes just when they’re around. When I’ve considered my past I worry for the times they’ve been exposed to my insanity. Being a single mom and going ballistic for what seems now like for no reason at all leaves a mark on kids. They say it’s worse than divorce. I’m both. Bipolar and divorced. I worry for they scars they carry… because of me.

I’m a mixed state depressed and yet manic Bipolar 1. I have two kids still at home. I am alone. I have no friend to speak of accept one and we met on line and don’t speak of these things. I’m glad for that. I can be normal with her. She knows I’m Bipolar and she doesn’t care. I act rationally if a little meanderingly with her. And yet, I fear I’ll say something and she’ll walk away too. So many have that I’ve quit trying to find friends.

My family doesn’t (beyond my kids) understand. Not at all. When they care to try to… they… well they don’t. Recently I learned that when my mother took home stuff to read about Bipolar she never read them. She’s never looked it up on line. She’s now 72. She has no excuse. She knows how to use Google.

Yet we all know that even the great Google cannot explain this that we are. We are ourselves. We are great in mental volume, if not in order. We excel in emotion, if not in control.

I spent a lot of time this last few weeks in grief, anger, fear, irritation and depression. I suppose, don’t understand why I avoid that. I think it seems to my fractured mind that admitting depression means loosing the last bastion of my mind. Confusing, I know. New meds sedate me too the point where I simply cannot not sleep. This frightens me as well. You see, as my med provider put it, “We need to get your nerves calmed down.” Now, when I’m not so calm as to sleep, I’m not calm. There must be a middle ground. I must give my mind time to heal. Be patient.

My kids suffer I think. They are afraid they may have inherited my genes too much. But you know, after all of me, all of living with me, they still believe in themselves. They have ego. EGO. All three believe in themselves.

See you thought I’d never finish the “pride” letter didn’t you? Ha! They have pride in themselves that is good. It isn’t forced. It’s part of who they are. Part of their hardwiring. I asked them how they each manage to be so sure of themselves. This is what they said, each one said this:

“Mom, you taught us to believe in ourselves. You drilled it into us. You, you did this.” I did. I made them who they are. (Give this wording to me for now. I deserve it.)

I have my own ego. Ego born of an accurate estimation of ones abilities is a good thing. I’ve struggled with this thinking I’m really stupid because I never finish anything. But I have. I’ve successfully raised three amazing kids (young adults). I know what I’m good at and they are many things. I finish things when my brain lets me. One thing.

I’ve raised three amazing kids. I’ve been a wreck this week. But, I started on Lyrica for some of my physical pain. I should be scheduled soon for a shot in my spine and that should alleviate a lot of my other physical pain. My additional meds should mitigate some of my mental pain. Even though I’m up in the middle of the night again, I feel restless, but hopeful. For the moment. These moments will grow longer, this much I know from experience. I must stay the course and take all my meds every single bloody day.

I have one thing to say to you and I hope you will listen.

I’ve raised great kids. Awesome kids. I love them beyond words. I… have raised awesome kids despite myself.

My friends write to me and comment on my letter. I wish to read your thoughts. You too are important to me. Till the nest time, be well and be patient with yourself. Give yourself a chance to heal.

(Oh, and there are now 23 pot shops. (Oy veh)

Bipolar – Changing Meds Again

/ Robin

My title “Changing Meds Again” isn’t meant to be a negative statement. It is a part and a way of life for some people. People like myself.

I have many, many issues in the weave that is ME so please do not take what I say about myself and my plans (treatment and such) and assume they will work, or not, for you. They may, but that’s between your med provider and you.

Anyway. I’m at the point where my med provider (this time we’ll call her Toni) Toni, has put me on a “don’t argue, come see me every two weeks until this is straightened out.” schedule. Actually she told me something about my nerves and getting them to calm down. ;0)

Today I started Lyrica for FM. I’ve been waiting for 6 months for this to make it through insurance. (There’s that word again.) Speaking of nerves, it should help quiet a great many of mine I look forward to the possibilities.

Also, in the morning I start back on Wellbutrin. I was on it years ago and it seems like a good thing to try again.

Toni: “Are you depressed?”
Me: “When? Like right now?”
Toni: “All the time. Over all the things, would you say you are mostly happy or mostly sad?”
Me: Hemming an hawing… “Like all the time?”
Toni: gives me a look of ‘honestly, you silently scream depression creating irritation’
Me: regretfully admitting “Okay, yes, depressed. I didn’t want to admit that.”
Toni: “Because it confuses you being a mixed Bipolar?”
Me: “Yes!”
Toni: “Because you’re a manic depressive.”
Me: “Yes!!”

I’m on wellbutrin. I start taking it tomorrow (Thursday) morning. We shall see.We shall see.

Heres my medication list for Bipolar and other mental alphabet soup:
Lamictal
Latuda
Wellbutrin
Diazepam
Lyrica (not directly in the list, but a major player in my new “list”)
Oxycodone  (not directly in the list, but a major player in my new “list”)

I fired my counselor. Talked to the head guy of counseling assignments. I explained the problem. She is only 4 years practicing while I need someone who can handle me. All of me. From the head to the toe… toes. From my head to my toes. Eh. From Arthritis and FM, to Bipolar and ADHD, from chronic pain to degenerative disk disease/arthritis in spine. I need someone who can help me focus and go through my day still being me but maybe being more experienced and work in biofeedback, mindfulness and neuroplasticity. With my medications I think this is the next logical step.

Medications are not going to fix me. They will hopefully allow me to function without… you know don’t you? Without the craziness running what feels like all the rest of my life.

I need to be able to manage. I must be able to succeed and what I want to do.

Bucket list? That’s for babies. Try barrel mitigated by soup.

Be well my friend. More later. I’m going to begin answering questions some people have been asking. I hope it will be helpful.

Ciao