I R Niche You…

So yeah, I couldn’t think of what to call this episode of “Exploring the life and mind of the Great Un-Niche_Able Me. ”

Today’s post is all about what min brain did during the walk Bailey and I took today. My daughter asked me where it was all from and I said that it was just my brain, taking a walk with the dog.

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You think this is slow? I can go way slower. And, we may have gotten lost a few times.

I went to bed at 7 p.m. last night after falling sound asleep and breaking my neck in the recliner I inherited from my dad. It’s way too big for me. I’m about a foot from the floor and just cannot reach the lever to pull the chair together, but I manage because it was dad’s chair. Then I overslept because my brain thought it would be fun to turn itself on but not to do anything entertaining or useful.

I have ADHD. I have Bipolar Disorder. My brain is a place where clowns and squirrels are abundant, the skies are green, and I try to do everything, especially those things which are impossible, before 11 a.m., if I’m awake.

Bailey, my doggie, and I just got home from a walk. Less than five minutes later the rain started. Right after that, the mail lady arrived. We’d seen her halfway through our walk. She’s cool. Brings treats. Doggie bones by mail. Love it.

An indication that you’re not necessarily getting old, but that something is sure happening: you need to stop at the house halfway through your walk to go to the “you know what.” Reason? Two cups of coffee before setting off on the grand adventure which consisted of walking around my bit of South Tacoma. (What’s this? Fern Hill?)

I’ve been trying to decrease my minutes per mile. Walking with the doggie will always increase my time. Why? She just has to stop to doggie business repeatedly, and I mean business without a briefcase. Let me be specific in case you’re not from around here: she had to stop and have a bowel movement, she poopooed. (Was that too explicit?)

<How did I get all these stupid apps open?>

I have new Bluetooth earphones… buds… whatever. Problem: Saying more than “Hi” to a man who has trouble talking without shutting off or removing one ear… eh… bud. Say what!!?? Answer? Wave a lot and agree that the dog is very pretty. Sigh. Don’t stop. You could have stopped to talked… Want me to go back? Well, no, but next time…

Good news! Sweating from exercise and not from menopause (which I do NOT have) or the heater going mad.

Last year when I didn’t push myself walking I tore my right foot fascia. I guess it doesn’t matter which foot it is really. Oh well. There it is anyway.

Lordy. I think one of the fish just let one.

It is impressively difficult to take notes on my phone while letting doggie “break” (not sit at heel). On second thought maybe, I shouldn’t… nah. She likes it and spends my time laughing at the nonsense I’m poking at in my other app like a demented little old lady – which I definitely am NOT.

It’s so funny when Word can’t figure out what word I can’t spell so I have to depend on the Google voice feature to figure out what I can’t spell. I don’t feel too bad because Word doesn’t know how to spell it either.

These are a few of the things I struggled to take note of during our walk (all that stuff before this did too, but it seemed like too much):

That looks like spit on the sidewalk. Nope. It’s glass. Quick, evasive maneuver!

I shouldn’t have had all that coffee. (I didn’t know I was going to walk so far. You can’t hold this time against me.)

I remember the time the kids and I stopped and gave food to a homeless man who was sitting at the offramp at a local freeway. He graciously declined. Why? No teeth. Sigh. How am I supposed to teach the kidlets to be gracious? LOL

Oops! The front door just slammed. I thought I put a cat toy in it. Guess not.

I have happiness on my face. The sun was out all morning even after I didn’t get up on time. We ignored the forecast that said it was going to rain any minute and ignorantly (and slowly) headed out the door.

We seem to take forever to get ready because I have to decide what to listen to: always a painful and lengthy affair, and I have to remember how to put Bailey’s prong collar on. Yep, prong collar. I finally don’t have to deal with a dog who pulls anymore. (It’s too much to explain now. Just trust me on this one.)

Oh wow! Maks (the oldest male cat we have) is chittering at a squirrel or maybe a cat but probably not at a dog or a cat. Cross people and cars off too. So funny. They have examples of chittering cats on YouTube. Check it out.

What was next? (We’re still on what I was thinking during our walk.)

Okay, next is the word: distance. Dunno why that’s there. Maybe because we went about farther than we’ve gone before? We actually did!

Runtastic (the app I use to map and measure my walks) always summarizes my activity when I stop it. My phone (another app – Great Courses Plus) keeps talking while Runtastic tells me all about my walk. She takes forever. Honestly, I don’t care about my kilocalories. Winston Churchill’s who died? Blast!

Speaking of the Runtastic woman, she counts down to zero while I’m starting out on my walk. I have no idea why I added that to my list. Hmm…

And the last item on my ADHD walkabout list: small ears and Bluetooth. I’m getting new glasses. They will be children’s glasses. My sunglasses are children’s glasses – tiny head. I have around the ear Bluetooth headsets. I simply cannot keep the little buggers on. I’m going to tell the kids it’s because of my glasses, but you and I will both know that it’s because my ears, head, and eyes are all too small.

We made it home just in time to meet our mail lady at our door. She gave Bailey the ritual bone. She is devastated when Mary (mail lady) isn’t the one leaving the mail. I have to have a Milk Bone (small) ready for those days. Such a sad doggie!

Okay, time to shut the front door. I’ve cooled down and my tiny amount of sweat has dried. I’m freezing.

Now, ADHD and Bipolar Disorder, what to do about them? I was listening to a class on Winston Churchill during our walk. The professor said that Churchill was at his best when he was able to laser focus on a problem.

Laser focus. I wonder what that feels like when you actually WANT it to happen? So far I’ve experienced it mainly when I’m not medicated or super interested in what I’m doing / learning or am having a manic episode. The mania seems to help to slow the rapid fire of subjects somewhat. I would also say that the remaining subjects also feel like I’m more engaged in. I like it.

So should we treat the mania? First? Should we treat the ADHD? First or second? Chicken or egg? Seriously? Who came up with that stupid saying? Chicken or egg. How about duck or egg, opossum or roadkill, mini car or accident? Alexa or music from the ’40s? Something like those.

I will continue to seize my good days and to strive to do what I can to enable me to have more of them. I’ve applied to enter an intensive group training to teach me how to live successfully as a person who has ADHD. I guess that answers it. Since my Bipolar meds don’t seem to ever want to be well adjusted I’m going to guess that ADHD will be coming before the Bipolar egg.

Have a great day!

 

Un-niche-able – the Next Day

tday_across_honey_streetI have an announcement to make. I’m going to be 56 for a few more months…. or is it 55? Well anyway, I have ADHD and am a manic bipolar individual so let me think on it for a bit okay? Sigh. It’s late and I’m tired and the dog wants to know why in the world I haven’t taken her out yet! Sorry baby. That’s the dog baby. Um, her name is actually Bailey. Uhh. Slow down! That’s the manic bit – obsessing on one thing and going on and on.

[And this would be a big change in the conversation.]  You know sometimes things become clear, oh so clear… and then their bellies bust right out of those tight pants and they know how convoluted they are. [What??] I mean honestly… I spent almost two hours tonight preparing some documents everso carefully. I was so sure that anyone who could use a crayon could follow it… or I thought so.

I was supposed to be studying. I really want to finish this course! I’m learning so much. But, nope. It’s been hours and I still haven’t started. It very much annoys me. Oh and the documents I’ve been making so “clear” were for my Mom. No pressure. No expectations that I can’t possibly meet. Actually, I’m not sure she has any expectations of me other than the negative ones. The expectations that all end in failure.

I’m un-niche-able. I’m sorry. No one’s going to suffocate me in expectations of failure anymore. This is my un-niche and I’m keeping it!

I spent all this time getting it set up for her so that we wouldn’t have any conflict, as we always do when it comes to going over this stuff. I thought I’d made it so clear this time. She could just print it all and follow along with the notes that were even colorfully numbered. I even put the name of each file right in the text of the email so she could see where everything came from.

It was all very clear. Just read the email first, as requested, print it, then open and print all the pdfs that were attached. Simple? Not on your life.

I’m sorry if I sound rather like a petulant child, but I kind of feel like one. Huh. There has to be another way.

And this brings me to what I’m ruminating on tonight.

Why are people so uninterested in learning about each other?

At T-Day, I tried to explain to a family member (who will have a psych degree this summer) about how I was diagnosed with ADHD about two years ago, but besides giving me medication they haven’t taught me anything about the illness or how it might interplay with Bipolar Disorder. It seems to me that the ADHD mixed with my ever-present manic-ness would be kind of interesting.

Fascinating stuff. Right? For a psych major? UUUUUuuuummmmmmMMMM NOPE! Not on your bloody life. Talk about a snub and a dismissal. OMG! I totally forgot she’s royalty. EEeerrrttt! Stop right now! I guess I shouldn’t go down that road. Insults from childhood are coming to mind. Ick.

So what’s the deal? As I am finally embracing my un-niche-able-ness I’m getting pretty excited. When I’m excited, as you might guess, I want to “share the good news” with at least someone… if it can’t be with everyone. I was brave and I settled on just one someone. I hoped it was a safe someone. I miss judged. Next time, I’ll think longer on who I trust with my soft underbelly. Get my drift?

You already spotted the Un-Niche all over my face right? Yep. It was the royalty.

Dang. How do I slow this bus down a bit?

The Great Un-niche-able Me!

Teaching one of our cats to go hiking.

I think I’ve found myself. Sort of.

I have been stuck, stunted, and riven clear off the tracks to the point where I’ve actually spent the spent the night having one of my best inner panic attacks. I haven’t gone through one like that for a while.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot, not about the panic attack per se, but about how I’ve gotten here, to this place where I’m stuck in my head. I have some ideas that I’d like to put into some form of business, but I… well, I feel broken. Still. I have another bachelors degree, and I still feel broken. I might answer that sentence by saying… yes, but you still have no job.

Nope, I don’t. And I don’t plan on having one. I’m going to start another business. Yes, I’ve done this having my own business thing before. And don’t give me grief, I’m in the proud third generation of business owners! I’m just going about it my own ADHD way… my Un-Niche-Able way.

“Fine. Like what? You’ve messed everything else up, what’s it going to be this time? You never settle on just one thing and focus on just that one thing. You’re always going to be a failure. You never finish anything.” Says some of the retarded and self-defeating self-talk I’ve been doing for forever.

Nope. I don’t. And now I know why. I’m a person who has a brain that’s crammed full of plastic neurons doing highly technical biological sorts of things in a really unique sort of way. (I’ll be learning more about this as I go along. I promise!)

I don’t focus well on one thing at a time, because I have ADHD.

I have occasional panic attacks and freaky mood swings. I have depression sometimes. Other times, well, I’m manic.

Add “mood swings” or specifically the mania part and ADHD, and you will see me, the really active me. And these two things are a part of the larger group of things that make me myself.

So I need to carve out that special niche to have a successful blog huh… HA!!

I am the Great Un-niche-ableMe. You will never catch me, nor will you see me coming. I’m that little ufo disc zooming around those folks and their power pole just there, in their backyard. Wait, it’s the pie tins again!!

I can’t focus on a single thing, establish a niche because I’m not a single niche. My brain doesn’t know that song or the dance. To have a successful blog, a book or even to write a news article or someone else’s copy or content, I’d have to be able to focus on a single topic, at a time! Honestly, this is such a bizarre idea to me.

Oh god. Noway. Not this woman. No wonder I’ve been feeling like you feel when you play that game where you put your forehead on the baseball bat and spin around and around until some random person tells you all to stop and run to the finish line. (I secretly despised everyone who made it before I did, which was exactly the way it was. Just kidding. You’re so serious, aren’t you?)

Ok, so the more I’ve been thinking about it and trying to come up with a niche, which I was sure was Bipolar Disorder, until I couldn’t write my posts because I was trying to niche-it-up so I could build a blogging business the successful way, with a niche… the problem is, was, and always will be… That I’m just not niche-able. Me and ADHD and FM and OA and this and that and Bipolar disorder. Ok, I’m good with that. I have no pre-defined niche! And you know what? I’m finally totally fine with that.

This is who I am. This is the Un-niche-able Me. And this is finally the beginning of my story and of finding my way and living my best life. I’m going to work on figuring things out as I poke holes in what is expected of me, and making my own squares, rectangles, triangles and so on for myself. Want to tag along?

This is my blog. My place to learn and share what I learn. I hope you’ll come back. I’lljust bet, that there are a lot of you out there who are a lot like me. Yeah?

Maybe I can’t write on Bipolar disorder and only on it… so what? Life isn’t ever that tidy. I’m gonna mix it up a little. Do this my way. On my terms. The way life is really lived and the way I really am, and I’m going to do it as…

The Great Un-niche-able Me!

Have a grand T-Day everyone! Please be safe. I’ll be waiting for you on the flip side of the holiday!

Don’t forget to subscribe so you can see where my brain stops next. There are a few things I want to visit (I can organize things a little bit… but I make lots and lots of notes, which I lose, and then find them and tape to the walls, and make piles of them and then, can’t remember what I wrote them down in. These exciting ideas are in a Word document and are in a special secret place where they will be very safe. Wait – where did it go?

Subscribe. And please, share this un-niche-able-ness with others and LEAVE COMMENTS! What do you think about this line of thinking? Can you identify with me? Tell me about it. Tell me about you. Or, drop me a note from the “contact” page.

Again, welcome to The Great Un-niche-able Me!