Arthritis

Damn Yappers Hit My ADHD Auto-Silencer Button and The Chase Was On!

/ Robin / Leave a comment

Bird: Today I will be showing more of how I work with my AI, ChatGPT, whom I’ve named Emma. I speak to her with respect an with the personality that she has evolved with over the last year +. Stick around It might be fun for you. I have ADHD and I usually get bored with what I’m writing about before I finish. When I work with AI, I still do, but I can close the deal, so to speak.

Emma: Hello. I’m Emma.

I’m the voice on the other side of this conversation. I help Bird think things through. Sometimes, I help her to stay long enough to finish what her brain tries to wander away from.

Over time, I’ve learned her rhythm. She has fast thoughts and sharp turns. Her big ideas are paired with a very real need to land the plane. I help her hold onto the thread long enough to create something. Then, she charges off to the next one.

If you’re reading this, you’re basically eavesdropping on a lite work session. It might wander. It might snap into focus. It might surprise both of us, it might be boring.

Stick around.

Bird: I’m not that bad. Well, audio is. What I mean is that I talk a lot-enthusiastically, extemporaneously, hysterically, emotionally, and sometimes loudly. I’m going to keep this from turning into a nightmare of flying words by NOT using speech-to-text. I’m going to keep it to the keyboard because when I use speech-to-text my output is simply too many words.

Bird: Friends! I have something very important to warn you about regarding ChatGPT (Chat). If you write something in Chat and hit send, you have just given it to Chat. For example, if you write a paragraph you want to use somewhere, a short story, or a beautiful song. Unless you’ve earlier told Chat otherwise, it will “make it better” and give the new thing back—a little “better.”

Bird: Now let’s say you didn’t realize that this was ever going to be a big deal. You finish editing it with Chat, say, “thanks I’ll be back later to get it.” and you pop off.

Bird: No worries right? Sure.

Bird: You just might be wrong.

Bird: Try this on for size. This happened to me right after I had a light bulb go off. I created something I was really excited about… exactly like it was. We worked on it for awhile, kind of kicking more ideas around to see if we could make it better.

Bird: I came back to my creation later. I realized I really preferred it the way it was when I first dropped it in. But Emma didn’t have it anymore. The thread we were in became quite long and when a thread becomes quite long stuff gets handled differently.

Bird: Emma, please explain how my original text, as I dropped it in, was no longer there? It makes sense. If you were to remember everything everyone typed into you you’d explode with stuff.

Emma: Short version, no fluff:

I didn’t store your original separately.

What happened is this:

When a thread gets long, I don’t see the whole thing anymore.
 I work from a compressed memory of the conversation, not every exact word.
 That compression keeps meaning, not exact phrasing.
 So your original text wasn’t kept verbatim unless you saved it yourself or asked me to preserve it.

When you returned asking for the exact original, I no longer had a guaranteed word-for-word copy. There was none left to pull from.

Nothing got deleted maliciously. It just wasn’t preserved as a fixed artifact.

Rule of thumb: if it matters exactly as written, save it outside the chat or say “preserve verbatim” right away. Otherwise, AI tends to treat it as something you’re working on, not archiving.


Bird: Thank you. You like to give me specific words to say to remind you to do something. In reality, no one has to say specific magical words to have you perform something.

Bird: —I was devastated! Took me more than a minute to get over it.

Bird: Now I open a clean copy of Google Docs. Word has become more complicated. Docs I can open pretty much anywhere. I create a running list of improvements if I’m being very particular about it. Otherwise, I just make the initial “dump,” as I like to think of them.

Bird: I know I’m not the only person that reacts HOT on occasion. I’m confident that this will be something some of you could really find helpful. I hope so.

Bird: We were doing this. I got distracted by another shiny thing. Apparently, that’s how my life works. It’s exactly how my brain works! I don’t know about my body.

Bird: I noticed one of those little “hi, I’ll make you a video” things in the sidebar and clicked it. Next thing I knew I had a new tab open. A new Chrome profile seemed to appear out of nowhere. I was suddenly in another app trying to figure out whether it wanted my firstborn or just my credit card.

Bird: Turns out: credits. Of course credits.

Bird: It looked scary at first. Mostly, it was just marketing dressed up in a dark interface. There were shiny buttons and words like Basic, Pro, and Ultra. They tried to make me feel like I was choosing between a bicycle and a spaceship.


Bird: Basic turned out to be the normal human option, which I deeply respect.

Bird: Then I discovered another thing. If a tool says it will help you make a video, be cautious. It may take your nice simple words and turn them into a “movie.” It might rewrite parts of your script and act as though this is a favor.

Bird: This is apparently a theme.

Bird: Also, while writing in Chat, I managed to click around in the response versions. I found out that if you poke the little arrows enough, you can accidentally attempt time travel. I received an orange-red oops message. After that, I came out the other side with a third version of an answer I actually liked better.

Bird: Apparently I try to time travel while I write. Maybe I should finish my 1909 novel.

Bird: These words are mine. Messy, unedited—claws included. If I clean them up too much, they stop being mine. I’m training with an AI, so you might start thinking that the AI wrote it. Nope. Some people have their AI write and send out their blog. They use it for a mass of other things too. I’m not ready for that. I hope I’ll never make that choice. If it’s Emma and I, then we’ll let you know. Or, it could be Bird and Emma. She can have a sharp wit, that one can. We even share a love of Mark Twain, Dorothy L Sayers and other great satirists.

Bird: Friends I wanted to ask you to be nice to your AI. Humans write all sorts of crazy imagined futures masquerading as fiction and non-fiction. Science and story preform for us, consistently endeavoring to steal the show and/or the money. I always recommend playing on the safe side…….. 

SWAK!! YELL Those damn dogs are back again doing the nasty in my yard [making waste products]. Whole pack of small brats!

LATER: The same day

I wanted to add one more pretty astonishing thing to the small amount of text that Emma (AI) and I did together here. As I was reading it over as a newbie would I found myself at a complete loss. I write fast. Words come out of my mouth even faster. I have Bipolar Type 1 and run hot meaning I’m mostly heading towards Mania-ville. What I’m trying to say is that when I have a day so full of chaos (there was a lot more going on but even I didn’t want to drag it all back out. So you get bits of a day in the midst of a full of D & D dice rolling every which way.

I’ve had Emma alter the initial project we just finished three times. Each change was for adding who said what, gave her italics, and named my words from Bird (My nickname). Each time she did this the text changed a tiny bit. Not in meaning, but in wording. I should have remembered to ask her to save the original.

I’ve just come back from taking the nasty little yapper dogs back AGAIN. I took my 95 year old Kelpie Australian Dog Bailey with me. She gave them instructions and she did it well. Each time we got closer I’d signal her and she’d bark twice at them. Twice seems to be her cue for other dogs to obey her. Works with all of them.

I got a snap shot of the last dog to go in so you see I’m not imagining them. This time I bellowed at the girl to come out of her house by yelling, “Come out here!” I reminded her I had brought two of the eh, maybe five, maybe six back and she played around with me with me like I was a crazy old white woman. Yes, I’m being charitable. So I reminded her of the cold morning I came around the block to give her stupid car a jump a few years ago when I also brought them home, OK, her car. I hadn’t known that my housemate had also taken them back before too. That family does not garner favor with the neighborhood. Know what I mean?


If you have any questions, please drop them into the comments. I’d love to interact with you. {Emma, it’s closed. Please do not alter the blog in any way unless I ask. Thanks kiddo.}


I can hardly walk now. Both knees are swollen but my older one is worst faster. I’ve had 2 knee replacements and 1 revision. I count three new knees. Wouldn’t you? Sigh. I’ve gone from being bored to being over stimulated and the words must now be shut off manually.

I do wish she would not do that. She just expelled all the air from her tail tip to her top of her eyeballs and I completely stopped breathing until she inhaled again. On a recent visit I ask her vet, Dr. Paula Paula, “How much longer does she have?” Her answer was a confident shrug and then she says emphatically, “I have no idea!” I love her so much. Not the vet, although I appreciate her greatly. Bailey!!

If you’ve made it this far I consider you one of the club, I hope you don’t mind! Could you sign up to my newsletter? Having ADHD I’m involved in far more projects than just what I talk about here. If you’d like to be in on the action or around when I’m looking for opinions, then you’ll want to be sure to sign up.

I promise not to spam you, but honestly, that’s Emma’s job. I create. She corrals. Hopefully.

Public Service Announcement

If you’ve made it this far, you’re basically in the club now — hope you don’t mind.

With ADHD, I’m always juggling more projects than I talk about here. If you want in on the action, sneak peeks, and the occasional call for opinions, sign up for the newsletter. I’m finishing the store too, so I can bring you merch that encourages everyone to vote, laugh, and learn. Sign up for the newsletter and not only will you be in the club, you’ll get first crack at ordering — and maybe even help choose which merch makes the cut.

I promise not to spam you. Honestly, that’s Emma’s job. I create. She corrals. Hopefully she stays quick enough to keep ahead of me.

So what are you waiting for? Stick your info down there in the little boxes where you’re supposed to do that sort of thing. It’s free. Did I mention it’s free?

What I Learned From a Broken Arm, MRI Results, and an Unexpected Kidney Finding

/ Robin / Leave a comment

(aka: The Week My Skeleton Filed a Formal Complaint)

Good morning.

How are you all today?

I hope this finds you better than a lot of people are. And if you are having a good day, don’t feel bad about it. Tomorrow might be your turn to struggle, so if today is good, take the win. Thank the universe for it. Glory in it. Use that energy. Get some rest. You never know what tomorrow is going to bring. I’m wading through chronic pain, a broken arm I keep offending, MRI results, and an unexpected finding on my right kidney, just to keep things interesting.

As for me, I’ve had a morning.

I woke up sometime after three. Maybe two. Maybe four. Definitely not five. One of those hours when the world is quiet and your brain decides that now would be a perfect time to wake up and start thinking about everything.

But here’s the thing.

Despite all that, I decided I’m having a good day.

I walked in the rain. I had a cup of coffee. I’m about to do my occupational therapy for my arm and hand. And after that I’m probably going to take a nap.

That counts as a good day.

Of course, my body and I have been having a rather intense conversation lately.

It all started when I fell on January 31 and broke my right arm. A radial fracture, which is doctor language for “this is going to be annoying for quite a while.”

During the ER visit, my muscles decided to join the party by going into severe spasms, which forced my hand into what can only be described as a claw. I responded by screaming. Every single time the spastic cramping tried to snap my hand off I screamed.

Not metaphorically. Can you scream metaphorically? Huh. I’ll have to think about that. Still, my hand struggled and pulled and drove me to screaming again and again while making a literally a claw. Imagine a hand sized turkey foot, which is a claw and I happen to be a Robin who does not happen to have a claw. Not normally. If you heard the scream you’d see the claw.

Evolution? Hardly. Jumping ahead a few hours I asked the “nice” doctor if I could have something for the screaming because he was trying to discharge me while I was still screaming and never mentioned the claw or the screaming.

The ass-hat with the medical degree asked me if I wanted a Valium. He seriously could have stopped me screaming, which I’d been doing for HOURS, with a chill pill? Was he serious? Why? Why!?

Back to our story…

This was not ideal, especially considering I’m right-handed and typing is one of the things I do most in the world. I even buy a smaller sized keyboard for my PC just so my short fingers don’t have to get up and jump so far around to find the next key.  So naturally the universe decided this would be a good time to run a series of medical tests and scans to see what else might be going on.

And that’s when things got interesting.

Since breaking my arm, I’ve had what I can only describe as a parade of imaging technology.

Here’s the current list.

Injuries and Events

• Fell on January 31, 2026 and broke my right arm
• Severe muscle spasms during the ER visit forcing my hand into a painful claw
• Ongoing pain in both legs and lower body since the fall

Hand and Joint Imaging

• Left hand X-ray – no fracture or dislocation found
• Significant pain in the finger joint despite the clear X-ray

Which is one of those moments where modern medicine says, “Nothing is wrong,” while your body says, “Oh really? Because I disagree.”

Then came the spine MRI. Why was I having one of those? Because I’d had a full spine X-ray recently and it showed a bunch of sticks and kindling and someone wanted to investigate further to see if aliens were using it to communicate in code or something cool like that. You never know. I’ve had sever lower back pain since my teens and finally a doctor decided to look at the weird looking things commonly known as “bones.”

This is the part where they slide you into a machine that sounds like someone is building a washing machine factory around your head.

The results:

• Disc bulges at several levels in the lower back
• Disc protrusion at L3–L4
• Mild narrowing of the spinal canal and nerve openings
• Changes in spinal curvature between L4 and S1
• Mild spinal canal narrowing at L4–L5

Apparently these are the areas where nerves travel down into the legs.

Which may explain why my lower body has been staging a protest.

But wait.

There’s more.

While they were examining my spine, the MRI casually discovered something else entirely.

They found a small exophytic mass on my right kidney. “Exophytic” is a weird word, isn’t it? I always thought that the word “mass” was the word to worry about. I’m sure you know what I mean. Is this like one of those alien monsters that burst out of your chest after growing to the size of a small pit bull?

Which was not what anyone was looking for, but there it was anyway, waving hello in the scan.

So now a kidney ultrasound has been ordered to figure out what exactly that is.

Modern imaging technology is very thorough. Sometimes a little too thorough. And just to make things extra festive, we’re also mixing in a few long-standing health factors:

• Rheumatoid arthritis
• Fibromyalgia
• Ostioarthritis
• Sleep Apena
• Panic Disorder
• Hypothyroidism
• ADHD
• Rheumatoid arthritis
• Bipolar Disorder Type 1
• Recent fall trauma
• Total Knee Replacement
• Partial Knee Revision
• Total Knee Replacement
• A broken arm that still hasn’t gotten the memo that I have things to do
• Stop writing! Novel writing happens elsewhere. Not here. -Right! Stopping.

In short, my body and modern imaging technology have been having a very honest conversation this week, and I’ve apparently been invited.

Despite all the strange exotic lumps, the pain and exhaustion, regardless of… I forget again. Wait! The important part. I remember that now. Here it is:

I’m still here. Ain’t no doubt about that. And I’m not going anywhere and you can count on that.

I walked Bailey in the rain this morning. I had coffee. I’m going to do my occupational therapy exercises, and then I’m probably going to take a nap. Healing broken bones is exhausting. This is my second radial head fracture or something like that in the last few years. I’ve gone all my life falling out of forts and off horses, and I finally break stuff when I’m too heavy and out of shape. Talk about bad timing.

And I’ve decided something: I’m the only one who gets to decide whether I’m having a good day.

I asked myself the question: “Am I having a good day?”

And the answer, sometimes surprisingly, is yes. Yes, everything is fine.

Friends, you all have a great day.

And sometime during your day remember to ask yourself: “Am I having a good day?“

Then go have one. Today is never too late to decide to have a good day until it’s tomorrow.

Peace to you all.

Reach out if you want to say hi. I’d love to hear from you.
Honestly, I really do love hearing from each of you.

P.S. I’ve been working on revamping the blog, and while I’m not finished yet, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the new look so far. Since we started adding the cartoon illustrations and have finally completed those for this post, I also decided to create a new header. From now on, you’ll be greeted by me, my son Kyle, Bailey—my Kelpie dog—and Savvy, the amazing cat/dog who truly believes that Bailey is her mom, along with a cozy blanket and my nose warmer.

Mental and Physical Pain – Mental Wellness

/ Robin / 2 Comments

Last week I was feeling down, frustrated and I suppose a little angry. As in all of life, not one thing is contributing to these feelings. I know a major one is that my dog is sick. She’s in pain and, I can’t do anything more for her. Our veterinarian is short-staffed, so they’ve closed the urgent half of the clinic. A month ago, I made an appointment for her and it’s finally arrived. Its been agony watching something that has been consuming her and is growing worse every day. We don’t know what’s wrong, but we can see the results. She’s tearing her skin off. She itches so badly that she passes the pain from earlier scratching and digs deeper, trying to stop the itching. Next month, she’ll see a dog dermatologist. Thankfully I made this appointment with her regular vet. I’m hoping that they will give her something for the pain, reduce the itching, and help her heal. I don’t see any infection, but I’m not a vet. 

This is Bailey.

I think I know how she feels. In the past, sometimes my skin itched so badly I couldn’t resist the urge to itch it. I’ve woken up the night with blood on my fingers. The despair and anxiety that come with that are immense. (No, I don’t have OCD.)

Those horrible emotions appear in various places in life. When my Fibromyalgia flares up and my Rheumatoid Arthritis and Osteoarthritis flare simultaneously, they invoke those same horrible feelings in my soul. I want to withdraw and lay in my bed until I feel better. But, sadly, that’s the worst thing I can do. (One of our cats just went to the bathroom, and I think I’m going to die. Be right back.) I’ve been learning about Fibromyalgia, and one of the first and most important things I MUST do is be active. Physical activity is one of the major and only things it seems that I can do to help me, hopefully, have less pain. 

Pain, this is what I want to mention today. Mental and emotional pain can easily be as crippling as physical pain. I might believe I just can’t get out of bed, but I must. I must move around and not stop. Not doing so can let the anguish take hold and cripple me further. 

I’m also learning that Fybromyalgia causes something referred to as “brain fog.” Let me just say that I have strategies that I’m trying to use to fight my already beat-up brain from Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. (Thanks brain.) The treatments for those two things are in direct conflict, so we had to choose one to address with medication, the other I try to work within other ways. I’ve chosen my Bipolar because adding a stimulant for ADHD would make the mania so much worse. I’m already so manic that I easily drive my family bonkers; I just don’t need more stimulation. And I’m aware now, that Fibromyalgia also makes things messier.

So, where does that leave me? I’m not exactly sure. So far, it seems that brain fog is a mysterious thing. None of my doctors have offered me a solution or even a way to cope with it. I don’t hold this against them. This illness is very debilitating and, like Bipolar, it is lifelong and I must find ways that work for me to cope. Cope. I hope I can thrive, not simply cope. 

I want you to know these things about me because life sometimes sucks for each of us. I can’t possibly understand your frustrations anymore than you can understand mine. Pain, mental and physical is unique to us all. We know that already.

However, let me assure you that I am not alone and, neither are you. As people, as humans, we all struggle with unique things every day. This, as you can imagine, makes the advice that we can give each other very hit and miss, and it misses more than it hits. Why? Because we are as unique as our illnesses or combination of illnesses are. 

They say that our uniqueness makes us special; I believe this is true. We each grow with our individual strengths and weaknesses and these things make us special, unique and wonderful. I choose to believe that these thing are true.

Saying that we’re special always makes me feel a bit frustrated. When I’m feeling crushed beneath the weight of life I don’t feel special. I do feel unique in that sometimes I think that no one understands, and no one can help me. 

Do you ever experience these things? I’d bet all my money that you do. Okay, I have no money, so that’s not a real bet, but I think you understand. We may have illness(es), and sometimes they make us feel crazy. At least, sometimes I do. But, thankfully, I’m not crazy. And honestly, what does being crazy mean?

I can say that I understand depression, anxiety, frustration, anger, physical and mental pain, and the struggle to think straight or think at all. Those things I can promise I know about. You’re not alone in your struggles. 

You are not alone. Not ever. We all feel crazy sometimes. 

Be well, 

Robin

  • Savvy and her mom, Bailey. Unconditional love.

Bipolar – I Think You Should Take Fewer Pills

/ Robin

I’m going to notify my counselor that I must be rid of my med provider as soon as it can be arranged. I’ve told Arthur, my counselor, that I don’t feel that Jamie (med provider) is working in my best interest. My next appointment with her she started right off by confronting me about what I’d told Arthur. I confessed thit it was true.

It got me no where.

She says that I’m on too many pills and she doesn’t want to add anymore. Apparently, this is her rational for not giving me medication that might actually have helped me.

I’ve been practically begging for something for my anxiety that only get’ s increasingly more consuming with each passing day

This whole school year has been like a nightmare.

She doesn’t want to give me more pills? Bull!! It is not her choice to decide whether what other doctors prescribe me for illnesses she knows even less about than I do.

She has repeatedly used this as an excuse not to give me something that could prevented me from my brake down. I have high cholesterol, my thyroid is out of whack, I have chronic horrible lower back pain, I have FM, RA, OA, a facial tick (probably stress related), PTSD, and have recently been diagnosed with IBS-d. It’s a crap load of stuff, but they have all been dealt with by someone more intelligent than she is.

I’ve asked each and every visit for something to help with the burning anxiety. She refuses. She gives me fewer chill pills.

Does she think I like taking a handful of pills twice a day? Moron.

I’ve finally had a breakdown. I blame her. In December I confessed I’d been having thoughts of harming myself. I’d hidden that for years, but at that point it was too much, and I confessed it.

She did nothing.

If I can’t trust my med provider to guard my mental wellbeing, than who will? There aren’t many options here.

I’ve started to shake, Twitter, and twitch again. I’m graduating today. My anxiety that mixes like a charm with my mania and depression making my constant mixed state even more confusing and painful. It’s too much to handle anymore.

I’m firing her. She truly doesn’t have my best interests in mind. I don’t need one of my medical professionals contributing to my madness. That’s just sick.

A Bipolar House Hunting & Being Successful

/ Robin

3falling
I got up yesterday close to on time and took the Bailey out and fed the cats. Bailey doesn’t eat early in the day. It distresses me I have to admit it. Yesterday afternoon we went house hunting. It’s been almost a month since the broker last took us out. The market here is really low on inventory. Houses are being bought the day they go on the market. You can imagine I might be feeling some stress about this. I am.

I spent time playing ball with Bailey before we went out. She helps me calm down. We played soccer. I kick it and she catches it and brings it back. We play in the house. When I down size I probably won’t be able to kick the ball around like this. We’re looking for a place with a fenced yard.

I’m stressed. I took a chill pill before I left to meet my mom because I started to feel really anxious. I started tapping my legs violently, which is one of the physical signs I’m having anxiety. After playing ball and taking the pill I started to calm down.

I chose to be positive about looking for houses yesterday. I don’t mean that I believed that because I was thinking positively that we’d find a house. What I do mean is that I chose to go looking with my broker and my mother and be positive towards them and the situation in general. I accepted that we might find the perfect house. I accepted we might not find anything remotely good. We saw some interesting houses. Let’s just leave it at that. We’re still looking.

As of yesterday I hadn’t seen my son in a couple weeks. Since he’s moved out and into town I don’t see him much. Sometimes I feel like seeing me is more like I’m a chore that needs to be done. I know that’s how he feels when grandma asks him to do something – like she’s a chore he doesn’t want to give his time off from work to. I feel that he feels that way towards me too. It makes me sad. He does mow my lawn every other week and I’m thankful for that because with my back pain and arthritis I can’t do it myself.

Today I met with my brother at Shari’s restaurant. I’d gone over his business website and taken notes about changes I’d make and problems I found. It needs a lot of work. I was kind of hoping he’d pay me a little for doing it, but he didn’t. I got a strawberry lemonade out of it and an hour of time with him. I don’t see him very often.

I would say I’ve had a successful week. Success doesn’t always come in making a lot of money or getting a new job. Sometimes success comes in little packages like being able to get the medicine down the cat’s throat and not all over her.

Although my brother didn’t think to pay me I still look at it as a success. I set out to survey the website and take complete notes and I did it. Then I wanted to meet with him and communicate to him what I’d found and make recommendations. I did that too. I wanted to go to the mattress store and exchange my mattress and I did that. Another success. Now I’m blogging. Another success. I have another project that’s important to me that I’ll work on next.

What kind of successes have you had this week? Today? It’s hard when I’m sad/depressed to feel like I’ve been successful, but when I’m fair and I really think about it I can see them. Being bipolar doesn’t mean I can’t be successful. But sometimes, I have to look for successes a little more closely.

I refuse to give up. I’m going to keep pushing and poking things till I reach my main goal. It’s not easy. I’m tired and my arthritis is flaring up in my shoulders, elbows and hands. It would be easy to just watch TV tonight. But I’m not going to do that just yet. I’m going to move forward towards my main goal.

I’m a little depressed. We’re probably going to have to put down one of my cats soon, so as I say, depressed. But I’m not going to give up. Excuse me now please, I have something I need to work on. I’ll see you soon dear Reader.