One day before my father passed I finally got my Ritalin scrip filled. I was so relieved. I was the night shift “watcher” I suppose, waiting for the end.
I have to confess that I haven’t cried yet. I almost did an hour ago but I didn’t. I thought to myself that everyone knew dad better than I did. My kids were closer to him than I was. He ever could never let me in. Maybe we were too much alike. Maybe we just didn’t get on … well, at all.
Honestly it makes me angry. And I’m angry while I was at his side for hours and hours before he passed and took care of our mom that now it’s all about her and leaning on him (my brother) and him being at the house all the time. Petty? Probably. But I’m being honest.
Maybe being Bipolar myself (and I still suspect my dad was too) caused a great divide between us that never had a chance to allow us to have a father/daughter relationship.
The day after he passed my brother spent the entire day there consoling her and rearranging all the furniture. I live 15 minutes away and I never even knew. No one invited me to help her grieve.
We went to the funeral home today and you know what? My brother dominated the conversation (I hardly spoke) and spend time telling mom how things were going to be for her and what not to do. He just told her like I would instruct an employee or even a child. I sat in the back seat and listened.
Now I’m alone in their house dog sitting. She (mom) wanted to take my daughter to get her hair cut and then to fast food for dinner.
The weird thing was she wanted to take her dog with her and take turns sitting in the car with the dog while the other got her hair cut. She didn’t want the dog left alone. No one mentioned me.
I suppose they expected me to go home. . . But why?
I said I’d stay at the house with the dog. It had never entered my mom’s mind.
If you suppose this is stress and grief talking you would be mostly wrong. This is how things have always been. I don’t see it changing.
I think I may always feel like the outsider, the “sick” kid.
It’s too late now.