I’m at the end of one phase of my life and am about to begin another.
I must seem as worried about a job and such as anyone else…
…but I’m not.
I have a mood disorder. If you understand the implications of that then when I tell you I’m not worried like others and that it’s worse, so crippling it destroys me from the inside out.
I cannot tell you about all the emotions that wait to catch me around the neck when I wake in the morning because then they might seize me because running away is not easily done with hysterical tears choking my vision.
I’m going to graduate. I’m 55 and I’m terrified.
My brain, in the past, has not been kind to me.
I wish I could tell you that all will be well, that the friends who snubbed me won’t matter because I will make many more who are mature, understand that life is most often not what it seems and that I will be financially successful and secure and able to help my kids.
I wish I could tell you those things will happen – and so I shall.
I’ve spontaneously been saying to this people when they ask how I am —
At this moment, at this precise second, at this exact instant in time I’m doing very well. In fact, I’m doing awesome!
Can you imagine it? A lone middle-aged woman with no job and not much chance of one, A graduate. A degree. Bonkers. Can you see me?
I’ve never had a job that lasted more than a year except for when I worked for myself. Imagine with me, that I have amassed all that is my life, both past and what is still to come…and now feel the certainty of the word “failure” burning across my forehead.
It isn’t the truth. It’s a screwed up bipolar lie. The intensity that is me is huge and is ready – no matter what may come, to really see who I am.
I have a really crappy mega mood disorder, but, but…
— at this exact moment in time I’m good, I’m really good.
How are you? Right now? Precisely at this instance?
Be well my friends,
— at this exact moment in time I’m good, I’m really good