Overthinking. Ruminating. Ponder. Muse. Ruminant – to chew the cud.
Meditate. To chew again, over and over. Brood.
Reflect. Contemplate. Excogitate.
As far back as I can remember I’ve been paralyzed by something so strange, so alien to me, that I didn’t recognize it for what it was. When I thought (and still struggle with thinking) that I was a broken failure of a human and didn’t deserve to live because obviously I had no value and had no reason to live. I hated myself.
I thought that this ever so destructive way of thinking was normal. Why?
One of the things I tried to glue my mind together (Not “back” together. It felt as though it never was together.) was by immersing myself in Christianity. I read the Scriptures, attended Bible study, prayer group, youth group, church services, retreats and sang with Christian groups.
This is what I discovered: I was a sinner who couldn’t stop sinning. I hated myself even more because I failed again, over and over. If I was a Christian and was honestly giving myself to God and welcoming the Holy Spirit to dwell within me why couldn’t I obey even the simplest of commands?
There’s much more to this part of my story but for now I want to talk briefly about something I only realized about a month ago… I’m a perfectionist. Or, I have the same weird ways of thinking about myself a perfectionist does. In any case: Overthink.
A few times in my life I’ve been forced by circumstances to begin something and follow through with it. Let me give you an example of something I quit, I never put effort into, and I was humiliated that I didn’t get a blue ribbon even though I never did anything to earn one. We had show horses while I was growing up. We showed Tennessee Walking Horses. My mom and dad showed, and both were pretty good at it. Our trophy and ribbon collection grew and grew. But none of that was any thing I’d earned. I wanted to.
I wanted desperately for people to like me because I was a winner. I was a youth then. I didn’t realize that this wasn’t the way friendship worked. It seemed to me that all the clapping the winner got meant that they were popular, and that people liked them.
I didn’t win. I couldn’t practice because I was afraid, I wouldn’t win. I never won, so I didn’t practice. Umm… Yeah.
Uhh…. Well, sometimes my day (all of our days) can take a drastic turn hard right and change from what I was doing and planned to do, into a smoldering wreck of pulled butt and pain. So… yeah.
My daughter and I just too, my dog Bailey out for a walk. Jessica was going to walk to the store for some groceries and Bailey and I were turning around to walk home.
Crossing the street Bailey and I became tangled – and I pulled, maybe even tore my right glute. Yes, that would be my right ass. I struggled .75 miles to get back home. I can hardly move. The nurse on call recommends that if I am unable to get up or down from a chair or walk or bear weight on that leg, that I go to the emergency room. And if all that is the case and I can’t get into the car so Jessica can drive me, if I can’t get in and out safely, then we need to call 911 so they can transport me safely.
Well holy hell!!
Talk to you more soon. Oiy!
Be well, be safe.