- I have to do MORE to feel better. Pills are not enough for me.
- Sometimes I’m a bitch and it isn’t my illness.
- I have to be my own ADVOCATE all the time.
- Other stuff goes wrong because my brain is connected to my body and my body to my brain and they annoy each other. I think.
[I’m feeling snarky so please excuse me if it pops out here and there. ;0) ]
Do you know what comorbidity is? According to the first result from Professor Google Head it means: “the simultaneous presence of two or more diseases or medical conditions in a patient.” That means… stuff and things. Right now the imprecise cormobid thing is fibro. Yes, that all over good feeling aka as Fibro or to use a longer group of letters – Fibromyalgia (FM). Now this one Professor Google Head has tapped this: “a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain and spinal cord process painful and nonpainful signals.” Note #1
I have to confess that I have an alphabet of letters that follow my brain and I around. FM is not the best companion for anything, and in my oh so humble opinion it is totally garbage for me. (Totally not humble, but loads of opinion.) I thought I’d sprained my left foot so I did all the sprained ankle stuff. It did not get better. Then the, “hello, I’m not actually calling myself a migraine, ‘cause, you can still see, see? But I probably am. I dare you to say it. MIGRAINE.
Okay, okay, we’ll call it a 12 hour every day near migraine running from about 9 p.m. to 5-7 a.m. with no relief. I’m taking stuff to keep me from hurling now too. It’s a simple headache, right?
Obviously this isn’t all about FM or the severe all over my entire body pain and the severe headache that won’t let me call it a migraine. Alright, maybe not so obviously. Let me be clearererr.
I really hate it when ANYONE says, “and let me be clear…” However, let me be clear… [I’m so, so sorry. It popped out. I swear it just popped out!]
I have Bipolar 1 – mixed states, rapid cycling and am pretty much stuck in a ground hog loop of being manic. I’m manic ALL the time. Ask anyone who knows me. Ask my mom or my kids. They’ll be happy to tell you. I NEVER STOP.
Now let me stop for a moment and pull all this out of – someplace, and hopefully make it mean something interesting or whatever. There must be a better word to use than “whatever.” That’s so 80’s.
Sever pain of any kind, especially when it also prevents me from sleeping, is worse than garbage. If you know Bipolar you know moods, you know emotions, you might even think of it as a kind of emotional pain. Not sleeping exacerbates (I love that word) my brain’s peculiarities. In other words, my brain flips out. My emotional pain explodes and implosion may follow. I could end up in the psych ward because… honestly, I don’t plan on dying. Ever. [Sorry kids. You’ll never get to read my journals. Stop laughing!!! Love you.]
If you have Bipolar of any of the several types I want to remind you that YOU have your own personalized illness. No one, not one single person, experiences what you do. That goes for me too. I have my own special loving and kind letters that help me with my Bipolar. Let me share a few with you and I do promise to restrain myself – FM, OA, RA, ADHD, PTSD. Full stop. Seriously, I’m stopping there. I’m not sure if the other stuff has just letters or full names so just forget that I’ve mentioned there may be more.
Hang on a second, I need to close some of these tabs I have open… 1, 2, 10, 17, 25. You have to be kidding. Wait, there are still 20 open in this window (Chrome). Geeze. Another window with 11 more. Okay, I’ve closed that one. Manic. Always manic. I want to tell you that exhaust my kids. They’re all in their 20’s and they are exhausted just looking at me. I mean, how? How do I exhaust them if I’m just talking?! I’m just sitting here. Talking. Well, incessantly. Constantly. All the time. Seriously! How about you my friends? Do you find that happens to you too? Oiy! Headphones. That’s the only way I can stop myself. Or, leave the room / house / car/ area / etc.
Severe pain + severe Bipolar = severe disaster potential extremely high. I know, that’s using “severe” too many times. But this is a severe situation!
You know those fire danger warning signs? This is like that. All the way to red. No fires allowed for any reason. [And no alcohol in the campground. Zero. I imagine that means cannabis as well. It’s totally legal for those over 21 here, but I doubt that it would be a good think to get stupid while camping. I only say “get stupid” because that’s what I’ve observed via personal experience. Stupid. Benefits? Sure. Maybe. Possibly. Stupid? Certainly. IMHO – right? Don’t forget how humble I am.]
This is me… at the time of this writing. Post. Whatever. Now.
This is very near my home. I love living here. This is Reflection Lakes at Mt. Rainier in Washington State. It’s about two hours away from where we live now. We used to be able to drive there in an hour. But, we moved to the city. I don’t think I really like living in the city. This is my first time to live in one. People! People and noise and crime and abandoned houses and people walking dogs and waving hi and people ignoring me being friendly saying hello, have a good day or saying the same back to me. In my brain space! Holy cow Batman! [See the end of the post to find a virtual tour of Mt. Rainier. See if you can find this place. Post in the comments if you find it and if you find anything else you think is interesting about the park and the mountain. Let’s take a moment away from being bonky and share this truly remarkable place. Note #2]
This picture is where I want, where I need my brain to be. The fires have to be suffocated. Um, maybe that’s not the right word. I still don’t want to die so no suffication. Right? Yeah. Nope. Let’s just work on putting the fire out for now. Dang! Such a beautiful place. Come visit! Honestly, loads of places rain way more than it does here. I promise.
There are so very many things I never wanted to know about Bipolar Disorder. I’d say the biggest thing would be that it totally and completely sucks. It does suck. Maybe if I wasn’t so aware of it, if I didn’t realaize how much it sucked, it wouldn’t suck as much? Yeah, that makes no sense to me either. Well, it does suck. I know, that you know that too.
There are things that we have in common and I hope you’ll remember them.
- There are always going to be things we really don’t want to know about Bipolar and wish they’d just go away.
- Bipolar Disorder sucks.
- We have intensely intense moods and thus – emotions and we can’t always control them. Sometimes we completely lose that argument.
- Lastly, for this post, Bipolar still sucks.
I’m so tired. The pain needs to stop so I can sleep so I can be less bitchy. Confession – I’ve been a tiny bit bitchy the last few days… weeks. Only the last few days you understand. I’m not normally bitchy. Honestly, I’m not. ;0) Last night I fell asleep in my office chair. My son scared me when he came to take Bailey out to use the lawn for a toilet. Thankfully, she’s a dog. Heh. By the time I got to be in bed the headache was so bad I was carrying around our designated puke bucket. [Kool-aid container. I know, I know, ick! But it doesn’t splash like a bowl. Give it a try. Don’t forget to take the lid off. I’m winking. Can you see me, winking? Sorry, no pic available. Maybe another time.]
Being true to my little grey cells I must confess that short posts are probably going to be infrequent. If this bothers you maybe you could read the first and last sentence of every other paragraph. What do you think? Of course, you might miss things like Kool-aid containers make good puke buckets and then where would you be? That’s right. Puking with your face in the toile that’s where. Or on a table or in a bowl. Ew. Kool-aid. Try it. I mean, if you need to puke.
Okay, I’m going to pretend that I’m going to sleep now. I swear someone hates me and is squeezing my brain. It’s pure pulp now and I’m not having allergies. Ew. TIM… TMI. TMI. Yes, that’s it.
Hey Dear Reader you can now find me on Twitter @Reduxbpd.
#1 You can find this where PGH found it at the Mayo Clinic.
#2 This virtual tour includes Reflection Lakes (see the image above). I’d love to bring you all here, but for now, check it out and enjoy Rainier’s beauty.
One thought on “4 Things I Never Wanted to Know About Bipolar Disorder”
I’ve been thinking about you. It’s good to hear, but I’m sorry about all the problems. Kae