Bipolar medications

Bipolar – Magnificent Obsession

/ Robin

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I believe that I, a person with Bipolar Disorder, can have a definite purpose in life. I believe although I have Bipolar Disorder I can have a main goal for my life and I believe I can reach it. I believe I have the ability to find a magnificent obsession, an overwhelming passion to dedicate my life to.

The illness ate year after year of my life, but now I understand that it doesn’t have to get a free pass to destroying me. I say this although I suffered for years of feeling like I was being ravaged from within. I can remember doing things, thinking things, and feeling emotions that were bipolar even when I was a young teen.

My poor mom. I was a devil to live with growing up. My depression often expressed itself as vicious anger. She tried to help me. She knew something was wrong. Some of the things she tried included counseling, religion, hypnotism, and sending me to live with relatives for the summer hoping that they could get through to me. Nothing helped. I once tried to kill my brother by bouncing on his chest till he turned purple. I only stopped because I knew that I would get in trouble if I actually killed him.

I knew something was terribly wrong with me. In high school I started actively searching to help myself I started going to church and there began chasing hard after God for the next 25 years. During my most devoted years I attended a Bible college and earned a bachelor’s degree.

Still, I suffered.

Many of my symptoms of bipolar disorder presented looking very much like sin. I couldn’t stop being bipolar and I couldn’t stop the “sinning”. No one knew I was sick and even if they had, I don’t believe they had the tools to help me. At one point some of the missionary staff tried to cast demons out of me.

Years later when I was a single mom and had left religion far behind me I no longer felt like a condemned sinner. Having that weight lifted off my shoulders did a lot to enable me to get out from under some of the self-created depression and condemnation. I had been obsessed with trying to stop sinning and all I succeeded in doing was make my condition worse.

I suffered and slowly died inside as I impacted my three young children with the violence of my inner turmoil. I said things, I threw things… I did a lot of things I wish they had never experienced.

I learned about success teacher Tony Robbins on an infomercial and began on my quest to be successful. I hoped that “success” would give me the strength to not give in to the urges of my illness. I thought that if I could be successful, I could be in control of myself. If people could use these principles to get rich, maybe I could use them to be successful in controlling my bipolar. I ordered the material he was selling and set to work enthusiastically doing the 30-day program.

Something amazing happened to me while I was going through the program: I learned how to think before I reacted and I learned I could preserver when I failed and I could try again. I learned to never accept defeat. I learned I could choose how I wanted to behave and I could actually behave that way. I was able to change the way I thought about myself, who I was and what my future might hold. I learned to have hope.

I’ve worked for years to follow certain success principles. I’d go for long periods of time when I forgot about them especially when I was depressed. The illness is still with me, my companion for life.

Today, I believe I’m successful. I’m doing what I love every day. I’ve taken the additional success materials of Napoleon Hill and Clement Stone and found that I could have a purpose for my life, regardless of who I am, and I found principles to help me achieve it.

These principles help me get up in the morning and do things that I know will fight my depression, my mania and all that lay between so that I can function and keep chasing my goals and be successful. I refuse to lose to my illness. I may have setbacks when the illness does overtake me and I will tell you that for many years I lost the fight against it and realistically I will probably have times when I feel I’ve lost to it in the future. Right now, I’m taking my life back. That’s why I blog. It is one way I’m taking back my life back.

I still have to take chill pills daily along with all my other meds. I’m not anywhere near perfect or even functioning at my best. But, when the hill has been climbed and I’m back among the living I still have my purpose to drive me. I’d like to say it’s a reason I get up in the mornings, but I’m not there yet. Yet.

I have a magnificent obsession I’m focused upon. I have goals and dreams that I am working on so that they will come true. I believe I can be even more successful than I can possibly understand today.

I have Bipolar Disorder and I’m amazing.

 

Bipolar and Clear Thinking

/ Robin

(I want to hide in the cupboard until this is all over.)

Success! We’ve found a house we like. The big issue is storage. I realize that all houses this small have very limited storage, but I’ll have to get rid of pretty much all that I own to make this happen even if I have a storage shed to help with the overflow. I’m preparing to have a panic attack. I’m going to schedule it.

I am a book hoarder. I’ve been successful in getting rid of probably 50 boxes of books. It was painful. Next weekend we’re having a big garage sale in the neighborhood that my mom lives in. It’s a huge multiple neighborhood gated community. I’ve sent over two car loads of things to sell including my Ryan Seacrest bobble head (I’m not attached to it, I just want to get more than $10 for it.)

I woke up this morning thinking about the lack of storage the little house has. I waited till about 10 a.m. to call my mom to talk about the storage problem and what we can do about it. I want to go look at it again and do some measuring. We’ve only been to view it one time. A commitment that huge we should look at again, don’t you think? The housing market here is so tight that if you find a house you like you need to put an offer on it the day you find it or someone else will. So, if I decide not to go with this house we go back to all the stress of looking for a house all over again.

I’m a worrier. I’m a bipolar worrier with anxiety issues. I keep having to calm myself down. I look around my 1800 sq. ft. house and realize I’m going to have to get rid of most all of my possessions to make this work. The new house is only 837 sq. ft. So yeah, downsizing. All my kids have moved out and I don’t need this large a house. I can’t afford anything bigger than the house we’ve put an offer in on.

My stress meter is reading high. Very high. It turns out that it really was good that I didn’t go to school this quarter because we found the house during what would be the week before finals and I wouldn’t have had the time to go look at it.

So how to deal with the stress and associated problems that come with it? I need to think clearly and NOT emotionally. I don’t know how much of my fear of no storage is being realistic or if I’m just falling in with my all too familiar states of paralyzing worrying and all the things that come with stress, like the possibility that I may not be able to handle it and have an episode.

I think I need to begin with focusing on tidying up my thinking processes and think accurately rather than emotionally. If I can do that it will help me have a positive attitude about this instead of having the attitude that we’re going to make a huge mistake. What does clear thinking tell me? Does it make sense to move into this house?

One of the problems I have to deal with constantly is making decisions based on commonsense and thoughtfulness rather than on emotion. I don’t want to pass this house up if I’m just having an anxiety attack because of all the worrying I’ve been doing. I need to settle down and think with clarity.

A really good way to start is to have people around me who I can consult with who know my situation and can make judgements based on commonsense and logic. If I’m blinded by panic they can help me see clearly. I’ve chosen to make my mom, and my three kids those people. Granted the kids think any house is good, once we start measuring and they’ve been inside the house they’ll be able to make good recommendations.

Another thing I can do is avoid, eliminate, thinking about the whole thing in such negative terms such as: never, only, nothing, every, no way, can’t and impossible. I must remember that these negative ways of thinking are going to impact my accurate thinking and that I need to hold on to the positive attitude I’ve been working on cultivating within myself.

To think clearly I have to bind it with a positive attitude. I need to remember that I’m in control of my decisions and that I can make good ones not driven by negative emotions.

I need to work hard to take control and direct my thoughts and control my emotions. Of course being bipolar I’m challenged to think clearly and not let my emotions drive my decisions all the time.

My thoughts must control my thinking, not my emotions. This is especially true right now while I’ve got an offer in on a house. I need to be sure and have a convinced positive attitude before signing the papers. I can’t move into a house that I don’t think I can live with the storage challenges forcing me to throw out all the things I’m attached to.

I need facts. I need clear thinking. I need the advice of others that I trust who know me how my emotions impact my thinking. I need to separate “facts” from imagined fictions, and important facts from unimportant ones.

Bipolar Disorder will definitely have a large role in determining whether or not we buy this house. All the small houses we’ve looked at have pretty much been dives and not had any storage. We’ve seen this house and one other that has been fixed up by a flipper (someone who buys a house, fixes it up, and sells it). Both are really great. Neither has storage. Realistically, no houses this size will have storage.

So we’ll see. Will I freak out and convince everyone that the lack of storage is a deal breaker for me? Or will I go do some measuring and creative thinking? The plan is to go next week to view it again and do a lot of measuring.

I’m going to stay on my meds, see my counselor, exercise, get enough sleep, play with my dog and eat better. These things will give me a chance to keep from falling into a bipolar tailspin.

Am I ready to Resist the Depression Monster?

/ Robin

I have bipolar disorder type 1 and I experience mixed states and rapid cycling. When I’m having a full blown episode it’s a nightmare. I’m feeling on the edge right now. I also have PTSD, ADHD, Osteoarthritis, Rheumatology Arthritis, Anxiety and a bad temper. I take a lot of medications to remain stable.

I am afraid. I’m 53 years old and besides when I was away at college I’ve only lived on my own for less than a year. Less than one year. I have three kids ages daughter 24, son 21 and daughter 18. My eldest daughter is in the Air Force and has two more years to serve. She’s across the country. The youngest lives with her fiancée. Now my son is moving in with his girlfriend this weekend.

When Jessica, the eldest, went to basic I was not doing well overall and I had your basic breakdown. I was hysterical for days. She enlisted for six years. She’s my best friend.

My youngest daughter, Sydney, suddenly decided to move out and two weeks before her 18th birthday and suddenly she was just gone. I couldn’t get her to wait the two short weeks till after her birthday.

She had been lying to me for years. We had two rules in our house that I expected her to follow. First, no dating till you are 18 (the other two had no problems with this rule) and second, never lie to mom. Ever. I kept asking her, are you and Toni dating.  “No.” Always, the answer was no. I chose to believe her because my part of the not lying deal to mom meant I had to trust them. So I chose to believe her. They had been dating for month and months when she suddenly decided to move out into a single room in the back of a house a stranger’s house. Had I been asked I would not approved of the situation and in fact the move turned out to be less than successful.

Today, less than a year after Sydney moved out, Kyle, my boy, is moving out too. At least I had a month notice with him. He’s moving in with his girlfriend Melanie in town today.

So now both of the younger kids live in town, about 30 minutes away.

I now live with my emotional support/training dog in service Bailey and my cats Maks and Siberia. I have no clue how I’m going to keep Bailey out of the cat food and litter box when I move. Did I mention we put an offer down on a house in town? It is 5 minutes from where Sydney will be living.

I have found a tiny house in town very near where Sydney is moving (her third move in one year) into her new apartment next week. We have put an offer in on it and now we wait. The bank owns it and we have to wait till they choose which offer to accept in ten days. I’m hoping that with the large down payment we’re making we’ll be the make our offer the most attractive offer and we’ll get the house.

It is 10:32 Saturday morning and I’ve already teared up after Kyle left to go get my brother’s work van to use for moving. I’m planning on working hard today on work stuff and not doing moving prep stuff. I need to have a break from moving stuff.

I have a huge box of Magic the Gathering cards that I’m trying to sell to a friend of the family. I’m pissed because he didn’t shown up last night to get them like we arranged. The stack of boxes is taller than I am (5’3”). They’re just in the middle of the living room and frustrating me every time I look at them (every time I look up) and every time I have to walk around them (every time I go into the kitchen). When they’re gone I think I’ll feel like I’ve done some work throwing things out at least.

To help me move Kyle has agreed to come out on one of his days off (Fridays) to help me do dump runs and other things I can’t do.

Besides using the technique of using a positive mental attitude (which I’m making a huge effort to follow from now on) I’m hoping not to fall completely apart and go through the hysterics again. It’s exhausting. And wouldn’t  you know it but my counselor has just retired so I have no counselor.

Besides being exhausting when I’m having a breakdown, it also wastes a lot of time. I don’t want to lose time anymore. I’ve lost too many years to my bipolar already. So, I’ve set my goals and I’m on my way to fulfilling them. I refuse to give in to the depression that thinks I’m going to let move in and take Kyle’s place. I’m staying on my meds and sticking with my daily routine and not isolating myself.

If I get the house one of the first goals I’ll have is teaching Bailey not to eat the cat food and poop. I’m a worrier. What can I say?

My son is moving out and I’m distracting myself by thinking about poop.

Bipolar Triggered – The Next Day

/ Robin
Bailey!
Bailey in a box.

How do I feel the day after the girls hit multiple triggers for my bipolar? Well, I over slept so that didn’t help. I was fine till I remembered they have my book and I decided I wanted it back. Then my son, who is looking for an apartment with his girlfriend, told me he was on his way out the door to go to look at a place just 10 minutes after I got up. I realized his girlfriend, Melanie, is at work and I asked him if he was going alone. Yep. Can I go with? There wasn’t enough time. He said he thought about it but there wasn’t enough time for me to get ready. Really? He could have got me up.

He left and I thought things over and I called him. I asked him to call me if he has questions. His little sister should have let me go over the place with them before they moved in because I would have warned them off. Now, a month later, they’re going to move out.

Anyway, my calling him was just my way to hold on a little bit. The kids are going every which way and I’m having a hard time today. I started to cry a little and quickly ended the phone call. I feel useless.

None of them need me, and they selfishly take from me without thanks. I know probably all kids are like that, but if you’re like me (being bipolar) it is especially hard for us. I’d like to think a normal parent would feel the same way at this point. In fact that’s what I’m deciding just now. I’m not in crisis (I don’t think so). I’m sad. I feel lonely. I resent that Syd takes and doesn’t give.

I think when Kyle gets home I’m going to ask him to go to Alder Lake with Bailey and I. We used to go there all the time when they were young. Its 30 minutes from our house straight up the highway towards Mount Rainier (in Washington State). I need a break. I think he does too with the way work has been going and his needing to move. It will be fun to play with the dog at the lake. There shouldn’t be too many people there yet so maybe I can let her off leash and let her run.

Just to recap: yesterday a bunch of my triggers got flipped. Today, how am I going to deal with it? A few minutes ago I started to cry. I’ve had a chill pill and calmed down.

I’m going to fight my way through this. I’ve been preparing for weeks. Now it’s time to see if I can do what I tell others to do.

The first thing is to acknowledge it, face it, and decide how I’m going to protect myself and move forward… keep growing stronger. I refuse to turn into a puddle of stressed out mommy. Holding onto my frustration with Sydney and Toni isn’t going to help.

Stay tuned…

Preparation for a Bipolar Episode

/ Robin

I wrote this a few days ago. Today, I’ve just returned from walking my wonderful dog out in the beautiful sunny day and now I’m experiencing a sudden downward swing. Time to see if I can follow my own advice…… Stay tuned….

How can I prepare how to deal with an episode when every single one is different and while in one I generally can’t control my emotions? That’s a good question.

The first thing I’ve done is to make sure I always have enough meds on hand and that the boxes I put them in are always filled. This way when I start not remembering whether or not I’ve taken them I can just look at the box. I take meds in both the morning, afternoon and the evening. I have the most trouble remembering to listen to my alarm reminding me to take my mid-day meds.

Second, I try to live in such a way as to not provoke myself into going bonkers. When I do go off my already teetering rocker I have to fall back on my intellect and take my meds when I’m supposed to. Today I went for a walk in the beautiful sunny weather. 30 minutes later I feel sad.

Third, I tell a safe person what’s happening. I don’t have friends who I can call and tell I’m cracking up. And I’m getting another new counselor (my fifth at this clinic) because this one is retiring so I’m not likely to call her. Besides, even if I did the clinic is so busy I wouldn’t be able to talk to her or get in to see her sooner. So, I can talk to my Mom although sometimes she’s part of the problem. How can I talk to her and it be helpful rather than make things worse? We have a prearranged thing where I get ahold of her and ask if she has some time to listen because I need to dump. Usually this helps take some off the top and I know someone knows I’m having a hard time and that she’ll keep in closer contact with me without bugging me to death.

My three kids are my other safe people. They are all old enough to help walk with me while I’m in a “state”. We talk and they talk back. I usually let them talk to me rather than making them just listen. They usually have good ideas. Mostly, they don’t let me wallow in my own mental and emotional pool of piddle. Sometimes they bully me and sometimes that’s what I need.

Fourth, I give myself some space. I give myself permission to be who I am and accept that I have these times I go through and I also remind myself, if I can, that it will pass. It always passes.

Fifth, I never put myself in a situation where I can injure myself if things really go south. So, no guns or extra meds in the house. I may even have one of my safe people come over and watch me fill my pill boxes. Sometimes I’ll even have them pick up something from the pharmacy for me. They know when I’m depressed, it’s sometimes hard to get myself to do that.

I’m sure there are more but that’s what I can think of for now. I need to call my daughter. Maybe asking about her day will help me be lifted up a bit.