Depressed

Preparation for Depression

/ Robin

d4bd2254bf26cb26b2cfd0d516927547
Let me be blunt. When you are depressed you will have a negative attitude. Hopefully, by this time, you’ve prepared for what to do when you crash. I thought up a plan that has helped me on more than one occasion. Maybe you’ll find it helpful too.

I’d suggest you think about this carefully and write your own plan out and put it someplace you’ll see it if you start crashing. Write it down and post it someplace you’re likely to see it when you want to go head first into one of those safer barriers on the freeway. You know what I mean, the things we’ve fantasized about driving into, but that we’re never going to. Right?

Or when you realize you’re in bed feeling like doo-doo not because you’re sick, but because you’re sliding into the deep well of depression.

This is the emergency list I use myself. So far it has helped me in the confusion that I feel when I swing up or down. When my thinking is clouded I need a guide rope I can reach out and hold on to and I use this. (I have used these in various orders. Do what works for you.)

Emergency List
– Go see counselor immediately – If they can’t see you right away maybe they’ll talk to you on the phone. Ask. You won’t know unless you ask.
– Make sure meds are being taken as prescribed – don’t wimp out and stop taking them. Do it.
– Take care of yourself physically – force yourself to get up, you have to try!
– Call your emergency person – perhaps this is the same person you’ve shared your goals with
– If you are suicidal and have the means to do it and are really thinking about doing it don’t hesitate, call 911. Have someone take you to the hospital. Call the suicide prevention hotline in your area. Reach out to someone safe. You’ll need to choose this person ahead of time and talk to them about what you need if you call them and tell them you need help. You can’t call a random friend up and start explaining about your illness when you’re in crisis. Prepare ahead of time.
– Add anything to this list that you have found helps you

Emergency List (Just the essentials)
– Go see counselor immediately
– Make sure meds are being taken as prescribed
– Take care of yourself physically
– Call your emergency person
– If you are suicidal – call 911

Sharing
Share your list with us or email it to me. I’m very interested to see what you do. What do you do to put the brakes on? We’ve all found ways to deal with it differently. Maybe some of you don’t have any idea of how to deal with it. You’re swallowed whole and cannot breathe. . If that’s the case read this list again and think about doing what it says.

I’m not a medical professional. These are only my opinions, but I have found that they work for me. They don’t prevent me from crashing, but they help direct my fall to a safer place.

Reasons 100 Reasons to Live (from a random website)
http://www.1000reasonstolive.org/list.php

 

A Bipolar House Hunting & Being Successful

/ Robin

3falling
I got up yesterday close to on time and took the Bailey out and fed the cats. Bailey doesn’t eat early in the day. It distresses me I have to admit it. Yesterday afternoon we went house hunting. It’s been almost a month since the broker last took us out. The market here is really low on inventory. Houses are being bought the day they go on the market. You can imagine I might be feeling some stress about this. I am.

I spent time playing ball with Bailey before we went out. She helps me calm down. We played soccer. I kick it and she catches it and brings it back. We play in the house. When I down size I probably won’t be able to kick the ball around like this. We’re looking for a place with a fenced yard.

I’m stressed. I took a chill pill before I left to meet my mom because I started to feel really anxious. I started tapping my legs violently, which is one of the physical signs I’m having anxiety. After playing ball and taking the pill I started to calm down.

I chose to be positive about looking for houses yesterday. I don’t mean that I believed that because I was thinking positively that we’d find a house. What I do mean is that I chose to go looking with my broker and my mother and be positive towards them and the situation in general. I accepted that we might find the perfect house. I accepted we might not find anything remotely good. We saw some interesting houses. Let’s just leave it at that. We’re still looking.

As of yesterday I hadn’t seen my son in a couple weeks. Since he’s moved out and into town I don’t see him much. Sometimes I feel like seeing me is more like I’m a chore that needs to be done. I know that’s how he feels when grandma asks him to do something – like she’s a chore he doesn’t want to give his time off from work to. I feel that he feels that way towards me too. It makes me sad. He does mow my lawn every other week and I’m thankful for that because with my back pain and arthritis I can’t do it myself.

Today I met with my brother at Shari’s restaurant. I’d gone over his business website and taken notes about changes I’d make and problems I found. It needs a lot of work. I was kind of hoping he’d pay me a little for doing it, but he didn’t. I got a strawberry lemonade out of it and an hour of time with him. I don’t see him very often.

I would say I’ve had a successful week. Success doesn’t always come in making a lot of money or getting a new job. Sometimes success comes in little packages like being able to get the medicine down the cat’s throat and not all over her.

Although my brother didn’t think to pay me I still look at it as a success. I set out to survey the website and take complete notes and I did it. Then I wanted to meet with him and communicate to him what I’d found and make recommendations. I did that too. I wanted to go to the mattress store and exchange my mattress and I did that. Another success. Now I’m blogging. Another success. I have another project that’s important to me that I’ll work on next.

What kind of successes have you had this week? Today? It’s hard when I’m sad/depressed to feel like I’ve been successful, but when I’m fair and I really think about it I can see them. Being bipolar doesn’t mean I can’t be successful. But sometimes, I have to look for successes a little more closely.

I refuse to give up. I’m going to keep pushing and poking things till I reach my main goal. It’s not easy. I’m tired and my arthritis is flaring up in my shoulders, elbows and hands. It would be easy to just watch TV tonight. But I’m not going to do that just yet. I’m going to move forward towards my main goal.

I’m a little depressed. We’re probably going to have to put down one of my cats soon, so as I say, depressed. But I’m not going to give up. Excuse me now please, I have something I need to work on. I’ll see you soon dear Reader.

A Visit From Etiquette of Madness

/ Robin

fear poster
I’ve not been able to post for a little while so I’d like to share with you a post from my other blog  The Etiquette of Madness. It’s similar to this, only different. I hope you enjoy it.

It’s one thing to recognize the madness, it’s another thing to fix it.

Wait. I forgot. It can’t be fixed. We need to learn how to live with it.

Have hope. It can be managed so that we can live rich and meaningful lives.

I’ve been thinking about the difference between “manners” and “etiquette”. When I say “The etiquette of madness” I mean living with the illness and interacting with our world in appropriate ways. I realize this is not always an easy thing to do. I have a few things that I do to help me get on or stay on track interacting with the world around me. It is a pretty short “to do” list, but every element is essential to my wellbeing.

Steps to Proper Etiquette
Take medications as prescribed and do not forget to take them
See counselor regularly and do not skip appointments
Regularly see personal physician
Have support system in place to reach out to (even one person counts)
Exercise and eat well to be healthy physically
Have a purpose in life
______________________ fill in with your own idea

Purpose
The first five things on the list are things you’ve probably heard before. Having a purpose for your life might be something you’ve not thought about in dealing with living with Bipolar Disorder. If you are a religious person your purpose is probably something along the lines of serving your God. If you’re not religious you’ll have to think about it and decide what your purpose for being here is. This is especially important when you’re feeling depressed and like there is no reason for you to keep living. Having a purpose can give you something to hold on to when part of your brain says, “Why am I alive? I can’t do this anymore. I want to die.” Another part of your brain can answer and say, “I have a reason to live. No matter how I feel right now, I still have a reason to be alive. I will fight and not quit because the world needs me.”

When to determine your purpose in life
If you are depressed right now this will probably be more difficult for you to do. Ideally being in a state that hovers between depression and mania is the best time to nail down your life purpose. If you’re manic and trying to do this, use common sense to balance out your manic state. When you’re really high you might think you can change the world, but that isn’t logical and probably isn’t going to happen. Be realistic, but aim high. You are not an ordinary person. You are extraordinary and have unlimited possibilities.

People with Bipolar Disorder Who Achieved Great Things
Just a very small list of people you may have heard of who were diagnosed or are recognized as having had or have Bipolar Disorder (You could be a member of this list one day):
Patricia Cornwell – One of the most successful crime novelists of all time
Kay Redfield Jamison – Author and doctor
Patty Duke – Actress and author
Carrie Fisher – Actress and author
Vincent von Gogh – Painter
Demi Lovato – Actress, singer, author
Catherine Zeta-Jones – Actress
Jean-Claude Van Damme – Actor
Jim Carrey – Actor and comedian
Kurt Cobain – Musician
Ernest Hemingway – Author
Robin Williams – Comedian and actor
Virginia Woolf – Author
Frank Sinatra – Singer and actor
Sidney Sheldon – Producer and author
Ted Turner – American media businessman. Founder of CNN

(This list is compiled primarily from Wikipedia and by Kay Redfield Jamison in her book “Touched with Fire”

Successfully Bipolar

/ Robin
Play Date May 12 2016.jpg

My daughter and her puppy Mercy and my dog Bailey on their play date today.

Disasters for yesterday: My elderly (14 years old) cat has been diagnosed with cancer. She throws up at least twice a day on the carpet. Next, while out walking my 2 year old cattle dog barfed. Next I gave the cat the steroids in liquid form and it went all over the kitchen. The dog came to see what was going on and chased the scared cat off. Sigh. I’ll try again tomorrow.

I’m a firm believer in striving and working hard to be successful whether it’s in dealing with myself and my mental health issues or it’s working towards my financial goals. I’m doing so much better with my brain than I am with my finances.

I’ve always been fascinated by success and successful people. While I haven’t been obsessed by it, I have relied upon it to pull me through some pretty serious depressed phases. I have found help in

I believe, that I can follow my passions and reach my goals despite having Bipolar Disorder, PTST and ADHD. I try to live like I believe that. I study and think about my issues and how to be successful. There have been many times when I think about giving up and just trying to survive. Sometimes just living is all I can do… when I’m profoundly depressed.

Today, I’m thinking about what I want to do with my life (I’m 53). I’ve taken to studying how to be successful and reach my goals again. I’ve been reading a new book on Bipolar Disorder so that I can deal with myself more effectively. It’s helping me realize I really am depressed.

One of the first things I’ve learned is that what I think about the most is going to express itself outwardly eventually. It’s like when I get stuck in the circle of depression and all I can think about is how depressed I am, I stay depressed. What I have to do is try to choose to change my thinking, change my state.

Why should I strive for success? What does that even mean? Can I, a person with Bipolar Disorder, even be successful? Or will my illness keep me from reaching my goals?

Every person desires to be successful. They may not identify what they’re doing as trying to be successful, but it is. I want to be successful even it means just liking themselves and I bet you do too.

All people want to be successful. Being successful doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re trying to be rich. People who go to work generally do so to get paid to make money. That money is needed to cloth, feed and have shelter for themselves and the people they live with. Making money is what they are striving for and when they get it, they are successful, but maybe they see their goal as providing for their family.

There is another kind of success where making money is secondary. This is when what you’re doing is something you love doing. You’re following your passion. When you’re able to follow your passion you are successful. The best thing is to follow your passion and make money doing it, at least that’s my goal.

If I set a goal and reach the goal, I am being successful. If you are a person with Bipolar Disorder, you can be successful. If you’re currently depressed you may not feel that way right now, but it really is true. You and I can be successful.

When I’m depressed the idea of reaching a goal is usually the last thing I think of. I’m usually just trying to get up and get through one day at a time.

When I’m manic and I can slow down enough to remember that I have goals, I usually make great strides towards my goals. I love chasing my dreams, my passions and my goals during the manic magic. The problem is I do a lot of chasing and not a lot of catching.

Right now I’m somewhat depressed according to the assessment my new counselor recently gave me. I feel pretty good. I’m focusing on my goals and my passions. It feels good. But I have to ask myself if I should be trying to follow my passion right now. I’m on disability and don’t have a job. I really don’t have any money. Following my passion isn’t going to give me a paycheck or make me money any time soon. But you know what? It is the one thing I can hold on to, when I remember, that I can do fairly well and I can indulge in it anytime I want to. I want to be better at it every day. I hope that I am.

I hope that when you feel well enough, you can figure out what you love about life, what your passions are. I hope that when you close your eyes you can see you and your passion together, see yourself engaged in your passion.

And now, true to my bipolar self, I’m having a mood swing. I had an incident giving my cat some medication and it went very wrong. She was diagnosed with cancer today. Not a great day. But I’ll try to give it to her again tomorrow. I have to hold my shit together right? I’m alone now there isn’t anyone to help me and Siberia is depending on me.

Yah think this is a small test to see if I’m determined to be successful? Yah I don’t think so. It’s just how things go sometimes. I’ll try again tomorrow.

Being a Bipolar Mom

/ Robin / 1 Comment
Tonys House

My brother’s mid-century modern home for Mother’s Day

This is my first Mother’s Day completely alone. My last kid moved out a few weeks ago. I’ve been depressed, but not too bad. Then there was today… alone with myself and my dog. I talked to my eldest for almost two hours and it was so wonderful. I miss her a lot. I hoped to hear from my other two kids all day… but I heard from my mom instead. We exchanged greetings and love.

My youngest finally texted me and said she’s had phone trouble. I told her to call me. I’m not about to text with my kid as a visit for Mother’s Day. She called and we talked for a while. I told her how sad I was. I’d just cried a little. It was good to talk about it with her. I miss her. She moved out almost a year ago.

I was taking my dog out to go do her evening duty and my phone rang in my pocket. 10:00 p.m. and my son was finally calling. He’d called earlier while he was out shopping with his girlfriend. Thank you but if you respect me you’ll give me your full attention. I was hurt. I told him I was outside and that I’d call him back.

I did call him back after I got the cats fed and my coat put away. I was feeling grumpy and hurt. I called and by this time I had nothing left to say but to tell him how I felt about him calling me while he was shopping. He’s done it before. It isn’t respectful to me or the person he’s with. It’s very selfish.

We talked for a couple of minutes and I didn’t have anything else to say. I feel that way sometimes when I’m feeling hurt.

Mother’s Day was lonely. I feel sadder today than I did yesterday, but I’ll be okay.

We got most of the family (accept my son and his girlfriend) together at my brother’s for a BBQ Saturday. It was a beautiful day and we had a nice time playing cards and eating. The picture is of his and his partner’s mid-century modern home.

I should have gone for a walk today. It was a bad choice for me to choose not to go out. The sun would have been good for me.

I’m going to get my mind off myself and read some of Eleanor Roosevelt’s Autobiography. I find that it is good to read biographies and autobiographies of people I admire. I can hopefully learn helpful things from them and maybe even be inspired. You never know when inspiration will sprout.

Happy Mother’s Day fellow mom’s.