Mental Illness

Uniquely Bipolar Me

/ Robin

[I’m putting this in “I” language, but I mean you too.]

For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.
TS Eliot,  Bipolar Disorder

Simply put we don’t really know what causes bipolar, but current science guesses that Bipolar Disorder is caused by a chemical, a biological imbalance in my brain. Every person has a unique brain, but my bipolar brain came with some even more unusual stuff going on. I don’t have a “normal” brain. My brain has been kissed by the divine. (Wouldn’t that be cool!)

There has never been anyone like me and there never will be again. I are uniquely unique. I am special and have extra possibilities to achieve great things. (Delusions of grandeur? I don’t think so. If you google “famous people with bipolar disorder” you will be surprised by the number of people who had/have it.)  All the struggles I have gone through to get to this point have been different than the ones most people go through because of my bipolar. I am a different person than I would be than if I didn’t have bipolar. There is nothing I can do to change this. I will always have a special brain.

All the struggles I have gone through to get to this point have been extraordinary. I can’t help consider it now I wonder what I would be like and how my life would be different if I had not had this disability. But, that’s not how things worked out for me. There is really no point in wishing for a “better” life than I have. That might actually trigger an episode. I’d rather not do that. I have enough stresses in my life right now, I don’t need to add to the list.

My struggles have made me who I am today and now that I’m here I choose to go forward and live my best life. What does that mean and how do I do it? I’m going to spend some time over the next little while exploring these things and share with you my journey as I go through it.

Moving forward is pretty easy to spell out. I must not pretend that I’m normal while I’m in a pretty semi-stable state. I must try to grow and become a better person… to mature, while I have control over my emotional faculties. I am spending time preparing ways to deal with myself when I have an episode. I don’t want to get caught without a plan to fall back on. I know that may sound ridiculous, how can I prepare how to deal with an episode when every single one is different and while in one I generally can’t control my emotions? That’s a good question. I’ll tell you about it next time.  ;0)

I read books on self-improvement and try to learn new things that will help me in my personal and professional life. I try to connect with people who I would avoid when I’m depressed. And I try really hard to relax and have fun!

References:
Causes of bipolar
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/basics/causes/con-20027544
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml
http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/bipolardisorder/causes.cfm

 

Alcohol and Bipolar Meds

/ Robin

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One of my biggest temptations that can trigger an episode or interfere with the way my medications work is alcohol. Having a drink. It just seems like a nice way to relax at the end of a long day or when I just want to mellow out a little bit more.

While I’m not in the mood for a drink I’m going to think about it. Most if not all of my psychiatric medications warn me not to drink alcohol or use other drugs while taking my prescribed medication. Okay. I’ve been warned. I ignore warnings sometimes. Should I ignore this particular warning?

We desire to have a drink at the end of a stressful day because alcohol is a depressant and we want to chill out.

Fun Fact: People with bipolar disorder are five times more likely to develop alcohol misuse and dependence than the rest of the people around us (the National Institute of Mental Health).

What does that mean, really? It means that alcohol is a leading TRIGGER of depressive episodes if you have bipolar disorder. According to WebMD “The link between bipolar disorder and substance abuse is explosive.”

In my mind, if I’m drinking alcohol and am taking medications that indicate I am NOT to take alcohol while I’m taking them, I’m engaging in substance abuse. Can you see why I look at it that way? Drinking can endanger my life while I’m taking these other medications and disrupt all my efforts to treat my disorder. I’ve worked too hard to reach a place where I mostly feel stable to jeopardize it by drinking a 4-pack of coolers that might easily become another 4-pack.

I realize a 4-pack of coolers isn’t likely to kill me but consider that if I’m depressed and drinking a depressant am I helping myself relax, in my depressed state, or making myself more likely to abuse alcohol while I feel like it’s deadening the stress of my day? When I’m depressed I don’t tend to make good choices. My inhibitions are lowered. I might do things I would otherwise not do. It’s the same for a non-bipolar person, but I’m special. I have all this other stuff going on too. While a person without bipolar disorder may return to normal the day after drinking we have to figure out how to slow down the wheels of our possibly artificially elevated mood phase we’re in and slow back down to a healthy place.

Is it okay to stop taking my meds for a few days and then go drinking and start back on my meds after that? Um, no. Many of the drugs used for bipolar disorder must be ramped up slowly to get to the dosage that is effective for us. It can be dangerous to just stop taking a drug cold turkey and then start back at the high level again. I’m currently taking a medication that I need to be careful not to miss a single dosage.

When I’m struggling with mood instability (which is what it’s all about after all) I’ve found that it’s a pretty simple thing… bipolar disorder and alcohol don’t belong in the same body.

Whose Crazy Now?

/ Robin

I want to tell you a true story that is taking place in my life and the lives of those I love right now. I’m changing everyone’s name but my son’s and my own to be polite. If you think you see yourself, congratulations.

As you turn onto our road and begin to slowly pass the mailboxes on the left you may notice two duplexes on the right. We live in the first one on the right. Once upon a time, Misty and her son DJ lived in the first house of the second duplex. That’s how we knew them. We were just neighbors. Over time our sons got to be friends and over the years have remained so. I’ve never cared for Misty, DJ’s mom. She treats her kids poorly and is just mean. When she and her son would wrestle when he was young she would grab onto his balls and hang on. Okay she’s like half his size, but that’s not an okay thing to do to your own son.

Let me paint you a picture of the woman. She had some friend of hers staying with her for a while. They got drunk, as they often did, and Misty threw the other woman out of the house. The other woman came to my house. It was the middle of the night. Why my house? I don’t know. I didn’t know her. She was drunk and begged me to let her send the rest of the night. What was I supposed to do? We live in the middle of nowhere. There was literally no place for her to do. So I let her in to sleep on the sofa.

I had been saving some of those mini bottles of booze for several years. They were sort of decorations. She found them and drank them all. She cried hysterically and carried on about things you carry on about when you’re drunk and talking to someone you don’t know. In the morning she left.

That day I got a phone call from my landlord, who was also Misty’s landlord, asking if I had a new roommate living with me. I’m like excuse me? No I don’t. (The woman had been staying at Misty’s for several weeks.) Misty had called our landlord to get me in trouble for letting her friend in my house.

This is who Misty is.

DJ and his girlfriend Sienna live with his cousin and two other people in a house about 20 minutes from here. After knowing DJ’s cousin, Maryanne, for more than two years Kyle and she noticed each other and started dating.

-skip ahead three months-

DJ and his girlfriend Sienna and Maryanne and Kyle have decided to move out and get a place to rent together. Kyle agreed to stay with me until I move into town. I’m looking for a house now too.

While Kyle and Maryanne are there watching TV the other night Misty pops her head in the room and tells Maryanne that she has 30 days to get out. Then she popped back out. That’s all she said. She still hasn’t explained or spoken about it to anyone.

DJ, having had his mother already beaten him into submission, hasn’t even asked his mother why she’s kicked Maryanne out. What did she do? I’d like to know since my son is moving in with her. What’s up?

Yesterday Maryanne is talking to DJ about moving and planning because they’ve all decided to move out with her instead of waiting another couple of months and he tells her he’s decided he can’t move out because he needs to get his truck fixed so that it will pass emissions, which it apparently will not do now. This is the first Maryanne has heard that she’s on her own. She fell apart.

The next morning before work my son informed me of the situation. Last night he let me now he was going to be moving in with her so she wouldn’t be alone.

Pshit

The plan was for the three of them to move into a house in a few months with Kyle joining them as soon as I move into town. I live in a very large duplex in the woods. Often at night the coyotes scream and freak me out. I’m pretty sure the homeless squatters have moved on from the house behind us. At least, I think they have.

I have to admit that I’ve not lived alone since 1986. I don’t know how I feel about being alone. I have my wonderful dog Bailey (she’s a cattle dog) and our two aging cats to keep me company.

My bipolar is basically in pretty stable right now. In other words I’m doing pretty well. My last child is moving out and I’m looking for a house to move into. Add to that some other family drama and the fact that I’m not going to school this quarter and you have a mix for remission to be reactivated. I have no intention of letting that happen. I’ve fought too hard to get to the point where I am now.

I wrote about something that saved me back at the end of autumn quarter, I think it will continue to be my friend now.

Thank you doctor, for my little chill pill.

Whose crazy now?

My Favorite Blog

/ Robin

I have a handful of blogs I read each day, blogs which I’m in intrigued or inspired by. My favorite blog at the moment is one by a person who has bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety. I have the same with the added alphabet bits of ADHD. I enjoy the honesty the blog is written with and the story quality it is written with. I don’t necessarily feel inspired and like I’ve had a life changing experience after I’ve read it, but I do feel relaxed, knowing I have a kindred soul out there who is better at expressing herself than I am.

Go see musings of a mad woman to be entertained and perhaps like me, you will find a kindred soul. If you like what you find tell her so. If you don’t, well, click off to someplace else. She understands the etiquette of madness. Enjoy.

Musings of a mad woman

Petiete Confessions: A Humorour Memoirette

/ Robin

Review: Petiete Confessions:
A Humorour Memoirette with Sassy Drink Recipes

By Viki Lesage. (I read the Kindle version. The Kindle version is free right now.)

Amazon rates this #1 in humor and #1 in bartending. Is it funny enough to make me laugh out loud and to do so more than once? Was it able to make my manic brain slow down long enough to finish it? The answer is Yes! I finished the whole thing in two sittings.

I’ve been looking for something to make me smile or otherwise engage my emotions in a positive manner for some time now. Mostly I’ve been looking for some good poetry that stirs that something inside my super charged emotional center. I’m not into poetry per se, but as a result of the Creative Writing Class I just took I’m willing to look around and see what’s out there.

Now, as for funny, did Petiete make me laugh? Yes! Not hysterically from beginning to end, but I smiled and grinned and did indeed laugh. Was it humorous enough for me to invest in reading another book in the series? Sure. Are you curious how drink recipes are mixed with humor? Easy, she writes a chapter then ends it with a sassy drink recipe. Wanna know what a “sassy” drink recipe is? Get the book. I can’t give away everything. If I could drink (I don’t mix my meds with alcohol) I would look forward to trying them. If I found they were good I might even consider working my way through the whole book just for fun!

If you’re looking for something refreshing and a little different than you usually read give it a whirl. It doesn’t take too long to read. If you’re depressed and are looking for something to pull you up I’m not sure this would do it for you. You probably need to keep taking your meds or have them adjusted and talk to your counselor. If you’re looking for a book to pull you out of the funk of depression or mellow you down from a manic high this isn’t the book for you. But, if you are someplace in between the two extremes this might just be the tickle for your giggle. Check it out!