Bipolar – My Birthday

/ Robin

Friday was my birthday. I think for my birthday I’d like to be happy. I don’t mean that I’m all sad right now and I need cheering up, though that does happen. I mean that I’d like to be a happy person overall. That’s my birthday wish for myself. I guess it’s like a goal or a resolution. So that’s that.

I’m not panicking about school so much now. I was so afraid that I would fail when I started back to college last year that I felt like I was giving myself a nervous breakdown. I actually had to have my medications changed so that I could calm down. I was going back to school after 30 years and I wasn’t at all confident in my ability to do it. This was the biggest thing I’ve decided to do since I started a publishing company back in the 90’s. It meant that every single day was going to be different than it had been.

I got a dog about three years ago to force myself to get up and be active. She needs to be cared for and trained. I couldn’t just go aimlessly through my days anymore. Going back to school was going to be more of the same. I hate mornings. I don’t like getting up. I’m usually so sleepy in the morning that I get irritated when I have to get up early. Well, now I’m going to school and I have to do that all the time and I’m managing.

Over the last year I’ve proven to myself that I can go to college and be a successful student. I’ve even made the Dean’s List. That was a huge surprise!

So what’s going back to school got to do with being happy? I think I’d walled myself off from the world and was working really hard to stay in one place in my head so that I wouldn’t crash again. Unfortunately, that doesn’t leave any room for getting better. Getting Bailey turned out to be the first step in my being able to live in the larger world again, rather than in my own little depressed world. She drew me out and loves me and I love her back.

Today I’m feeling happy. My eldest daughter is spending most of the day with me. We’re doing homework (she goes to college too) and then I’ll watch the Super Bowl and she’ll do more homework and work on some fiction she’s writing. She doesn’t like football, but she’s being a good sport and hanging out with me while I watch it… and the commercials.

I’m happiest when I’m with people I care about. What I want to figure out is how to be happy when I’m alone, when my happiness depends on me alone. That’s the goal. It’s good to have goals. Sometimes.

Bipolar – Carrie Fisher Says…

/ Robin

“One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of. They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”
― Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking

Bipolar – Mental Illness in the News Again

/ Robin

Just yesterday I wrote about violence and mental illness. Today news sources are reporting that the gunman from the Fort Lauderdale airport shooting was mentally ill (I’m going to get to the point and jump over a lot of the details. Go HERE if you want to read the article I am pulling my information from.)  and that the FBI suspected he was mentally ill. We know this because when the gunman went to the FBI complaining that “the U.S. government [was] controlling his mind”, they called police and had him evaluated. Broward County Sheriff Scott Israel said that “People suffering from mental illness, they’re not problem people…But if they are suffering from mental illness or are on a no-fly list, they flat-out shouldn’t be able to own a handgun or rifle.”

Seriously? Should we expect all doctors to report every patient who is mentally ill to the government and that the government would then seize all their guns? Should we expect that WE will be put on a “no fly” list?

(I encourage you to read yesterday’s post listing some of the more “common” mental illnesses.)

I was going to try to ease into this and make an argument for what I want to say, but I don’t have the time or the patience at this point to do that. So, let me be blunt…

Every person who suffers from mental illness (Eating Disorder) cannot be put on the “no fly” list. If we were, a huge number of Americans would be included. Also, it is a joke to say that anyone with a mental illness shouldn’t own a gun because that would mean that anyone who is depressed or has an eating disorder or ADHD or has anxiety shouldn’t own a gun. Currently there are over 15 million Americans who have sought out professional help for mental illness (ADHD). This number does NOT include the vast number of individuals who suffer from a mental illness (Alcohol/Substance Abuse) and do not seek professional help.

Over and over again mentally ill (Bipolar) are accused of doing evil things… all mentally ill people are labeled together as being problem people. If yesterday’s gunman is mentally ill, then he’s mentally ill. I don’t deny that he may be. Should he have automatically been put on a “no fly” list because he was evaluated for mental illness? Absolutely not, that would just be stupid.

I have to ask, who would be listing these people?

Division. Repression. Persecution.

Race. Social standing. Health.

Here we stand, the United States of America…

I am afraid that if we continue to vilify those with mental health problems we will be creating a modern day witch hunt that goes beyond reason. Doctors, neighbors and family members could be required to report those around them with a mental health issue.

Am I jumping to conclusions? Am I making leaps in logic that are unjustified? Maybe, but then, I’m afraid and fear is a logic killer.

I have Bipolar Disorder, I am afraid, and I fly on planes.

* This blog is not usually about politics. It is about living with mental illness. But, sometimes, you just have to say what’s on your mind.

Bipolar –  Insane Behavior – Torture and Shootings

/ Robin / 2 Comments

Often times when there is a mass shooting someone will say that a mentally ill person is responsible for the crime. I guess they don’t consider that many people they know may be mentally ill. After all, mental illness doesn’t come only in its most sever forms like one might imaging something like schizophrenia to be. Many times it manifests as depression or anxiety or some other “common” disorder. The following list is an extremely abbreviated list of mental disorders.

  • Alcohol/Substance Abuse
  • Alcohol/Substance Dependence
  • Anxiety Disorders
  • Adult Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD/ADD)
  • Bipolar Disorder
  • Depression
  • Eating Disorders
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder
  • Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
  • Panic Disorder
  • Postpartum Depression
  • Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
  • Schizophrenia
  • Schizophrenia Education Guide
  • Seasonal Affective Disorder
  • Social Anxiety Phobia

I started this post in response to the kidnapping and torturing of the “challenged” young man by the four black people. I heard someone say “they must be mentally ill” and I took acceptation to that. The list of mental disorders I’ve given applies to a lot of people possibly even including the people who claim that the four black people must be mentally ill. For example, depression, anxiety, postpartum depression, PTSD, and substance abuse.

There doesn’t seem to be a lot of discussion of whether or not there is evil in the world. There is evil in the world. It is very likely that these four people are evil and not mentally ill. It is not likely that four people with mental illness would band together and commit such heinous crimes.

Since I started this post this morning there has been a mass shooting at the Fort Lauderdale airport. Already one newscaster has mused that the shooter has been captured and that he may be mentally ill.

Seriously? Why doesn’t the media posit that these kinds of crimes can be committed by evil people and not necessarily by people with mental disorders?

Bipolar – New Fears

/ Robin

korea-misslesI remember that during the Cold War I was afraid that the USSR was genuinely going to attack the US. I believed that their nuclear missiles were going to target where I live and kill us all. After all, I live in an area where there are several military bases in close proximity to each other. It made sense that they would aim for us. I was afraid.

As a Bipolar sufferer who also has General Anxiety Disorder I am finding myself feeling similar feelings now, all these years later. Even before Trump is President I feel threatened and in danger. What will he do to our nation? How will it impact me? Will I lose my SSI income? It isn’t much, but it almost pays the rent. How will other nations respond to him? He seems to be reaching out to some of our enemies and greeting them as friends. Others he threatens and says things that seem to indicate that he can control their actions. For example, when North Korea announced that they were going to test nuclear missiles that could reach the US Trump said, “It won’t happen.” (“North Korea just stated that it is in the final stages of developing a nuclear weapon capable of reaching parts of the U.S. It won’t happen!” tweet – Donald Trump)

Why the hell am I talking about politics in my blog? What does it happen to do with me as a Bipolar sufferer? As I indicated, I’m afraid, honestly afraid, that Trump will get us into a war with nations that we currently are not at war with. I’m afraid that he will make my health care disappear. I’m afraid that he will turn one American against another.

I think about this way too much to be healthy. Every single time I hear about him on the news they are normally reporting on another one of his unfiltered tweets. What a joke. He needs someone to take away his phone and close his twitter account. Loose lips sink ships and they also scare me, here, in my home. I’m not having a panic attack over this, but I admit I’m afraid.

I actively turn my attention to other things when the news covers Trump. Often I won’t even watch it even though I’d like to know what’s going on in the world around me.

Do you understand what I’m feeling? Do you feel the same way?