ADHD

I R Niche You…

/ Robin

So yeah, I couldn’t think of what to call this episode of “Exploring the life and mind of the Great Un-Niche_Able Me. ”

Today’s post is all about what min brain did during the walk Bailey and I took today. My daughter asked me where it was all from and I said that it was just my brain, taking a walk with the dog.

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You think this is slow? I can go way slower. And, we may have gotten lost a few times.

I went to bed at 7 p.m. last night after falling sound asleep and breaking my neck in the recliner I inherited from my dad. It’s way too big for me. I’m about a foot from the floor and just cannot reach the lever to pull the chair together, but I manage because it was dad’s chair. Then I overslept because my brain thought it would be fun to turn itself on but not to do anything entertaining or useful.

I have ADHD. I have Bipolar Disorder. My brain is a place where clowns and squirrels are abundant, the skies are green, and I try to do everything, especially those things which are impossible, before 11 a.m., if I’m awake.

Bailey, my doggie, and I just got home from a walk. Less than five minutes later the rain started. Right after that, the mail lady arrived. We’d seen her halfway through our walk. She’s cool. Brings treats. Doggie bones by mail. Love it.

An indication that you’re not necessarily getting old, but that something is sure happening: you need to stop at the house halfway through your walk to go to the “you know what.” Reason? Two cups of coffee before setting off on the grand adventure which consisted of walking around my bit of South Tacoma. (What’s this? Fern Hill?)

I’ve been trying to decrease my minutes per mile. Walking with the doggie will always increase my time. Why? She just has to stop to doggie business repeatedly, and I mean business without a briefcase. Let me be specific in case you’re not from around here: she had to stop and have a bowel movement, she poopooed. (Was that too explicit?)

<How did I get all these stupid apps open?>

I have new Bluetooth earphones… buds… whatever. Problem: Saying more than “Hi” to a man who has trouble talking without shutting off or removing one ear… eh… bud. Say what!!?? Answer? Wave a lot and agree that the dog is very pretty. Sigh. Don’t stop. You could have stopped to talked… Want me to go back? Well, no, but next time…

Good news! Sweating from exercise and not from menopause (which I do NOT have) or the heater going mad.

Last year when I didn’t push myself walking I tore my right foot fascia. I guess it doesn’t matter which foot it is really. Oh well. There it is anyway.

Lordy. I think one of the fish just let one.

It is impressively difficult to take notes on my phone while letting doggie “break” (not sit at heel). On second thought maybe, I shouldn’t… nah. She likes it and spends my time laughing at the nonsense I’m poking at in my other app like a demented little old lady – which I definitely am NOT.

It’s so funny when Word can’t figure out what word I can’t spell so I have to depend on the Google voice feature to figure out what I can’t spell. I don’t feel too bad because Word doesn’t know how to spell it either.

These are a few of the things I struggled to take note of during our walk (all that stuff before this did too, but it seemed like too much):

That looks like spit on the sidewalk. Nope. It’s glass. Quick, evasive maneuver!

I shouldn’t have had all that coffee. (I didn’t know I was going to walk so far. You can’t hold this time against me.)

I remember the time the kids and I stopped and gave food to a homeless man who was sitting at the offramp at a local freeway. He graciously declined. Why? No teeth. Sigh. How am I supposed to teach the kidlets to be gracious? LOL

Oops! The front door just slammed. I thought I put a cat toy in it. Guess not.

I have happiness on my face. The sun was out all morning even after I didn’t get up on time. We ignored the forecast that said it was going to rain any minute and ignorantly (and slowly) headed out the door.

We seem to take forever to get ready because I have to decide what to listen to: always a painful and lengthy affair, and I have to remember how to put Bailey’s prong collar on. Yep, prong collar. I finally don’t have to deal with a dog who pulls anymore. (It’s too much to explain now. Just trust me on this one.)

Oh wow! Maks (the oldest male cat we have) is chittering at a squirrel or maybe a cat but probably not at a dog or a cat. Cross people and cars off too. So funny. They have examples of chittering cats on YouTube. Check it out.

What was next? (We’re still on what I was thinking during our walk.)

Okay, next is the word: distance. Dunno why that’s there. Maybe because we went about farther than we’ve gone before? We actually did!

Runtastic (the app I use to map and measure my walks) always summarizes my activity when I stop it. My phone (another app – Great Courses Plus) keeps talking while Runtastic tells me all about my walk. She takes forever. Honestly, I don’t care about my kilocalories. Winston Churchill’s who died? Blast!

Speaking of the Runtastic woman, she counts down to zero while I’m starting out on my walk. I have no idea why I added that to my list. Hmm…

And the last item on my ADHD walkabout list: small ears and Bluetooth. I’m getting new glasses. They will be children’s glasses. My sunglasses are children’s glasses – tiny head. I have around the ear Bluetooth headsets. I simply cannot keep the little buggers on. I’m going to tell the kids it’s because of my glasses, but you and I will both know that it’s because my ears, head, and eyes are all too small.

We made it home just in time to meet our mail lady at our door. She gave Bailey the ritual bone. She is devastated when Mary (mail lady) isn’t the one leaving the mail. I have to have a Milk Bone (small) ready for those days. Such a sad doggie!

Okay, time to shut the front door. I’ve cooled down and my tiny amount of sweat has dried. I’m freezing.

Now, ADHD and Bipolar Disorder, what to do about them? I was listening to a class on Winston Churchill during our walk. The professor said that Churchill was at his best when he was able to laser focus on a problem.

Laser focus. I wonder what that feels like when you actually WANT it to happen? So far I’ve experienced it mainly when I’m not medicated or super interested in what I’m doing / learning or am having a manic episode. The mania seems to help to slow the rapid fire of subjects somewhat. I would also say that the remaining subjects also feel like I’m more engaged in. I like it.

So should we treat the mania? First? Should we treat the ADHD? First or second? Chicken or egg? Seriously? Who came up with that stupid saying? Chicken or egg. How about duck or egg, opossum or roadkill, mini car or accident? Alexa or music from the ’40s? Something like those.

I will continue to seize my good days and to strive to do what I can to enable me to have more of them. I’ve applied to enter an intensive group training to teach me how to live successfully as a person who has ADHD. I guess that answers it. Since my Bipolar meds don’t seem to ever want to be well adjusted I’m going to guess that ADHD will be coming before the Bipolar egg.

Have a great day!

 

Un-niche-able – the Next Day

/ Robin

tday_across_honey_streetI have an announcement to make. I’m going to be 56 for a few more months…. or is it 55? Well anyway, I have ADHD and am a manic bipolar individual so let me think on it for a bit okay? Sigh. It’s late and I’m tired and the dog wants to know why in the world I haven’t taken her out yet! Sorry baby. That’s the dog baby. Um, her name is actually Bailey. Uhh. Slow down! That’s the manic bit – obsessing on one thing and going on and on.

[And this would be a big change in the conversation.]  You know sometimes things become clear, oh so clear… and then their bellies bust right out of those tight pants and they know how convoluted they are. [What??] I mean honestly… I spent almost two hours tonight preparing some documents everso carefully. I was so sure that anyone who could use a crayon could follow it… or I thought so.

I was supposed to be studying. I really want to finish this course! I’m learning so much. But, nope. It’s been hours and I still haven’t started. It very much annoys me. Oh and the documents I’ve been making so “clear” were for my Mom. No pressure. No expectations that I can’t possibly meet. Actually, I’m not sure she has any expectations of me other than the negative ones. The expectations that all end in failure.

I’m un-niche-able. I’m sorry. No one’s going to suffocate me in expectations of failure anymore. This is my un-niche and I’m keeping it!

I spent all this time getting it set up for her so that we wouldn’t have any conflict, as we always do when it comes to going over this stuff. I thought I’d made it so clear this time. She could just print it all and follow along with the notes that were even colorfully numbered. I even put the name of each file right in the text of the email so she could see where everything came from.

It was all very clear. Just read the email first, as requested, print it, then open and print all the pdfs that were attached. Simple? Not on your life.

I’m sorry if I sound rather like a petulant child, but I kind of feel like one. Huh. There has to be another way.

And this brings me to what I’m ruminating on tonight.

Why are people so uninterested in learning about each other?

At T-Day, I tried to explain to a family member (who will have a psych degree this summer) about how I was diagnosed with ADHD about two years ago, but besides giving me medication they haven’t taught me anything about the illness or how it might interplay with Bipolar Disorder. It seems to me that the ADHD mixed with my ever-present manic-ness would be kind of interesting.

Fascinating stuff. Right? For a psych major? UUUUUuuuummmmmmMMMM NOPE! Not on your bloody life. Talk about a snub and a dismissal. OMG! I totally forgot she’s royalty. EEeerrrttt! Stop right now! I guess I shouldn’t go down that road. Insults from childhood are coming to mind. Ick.

So what’s the deal? As I am finally embracing my un-niche-able-ness I’m getting pretty excited. When I’m excited, as you might guess, I want to “share the good news” with at least someone… if it can’t be with everyone. I was brave and I settled on just one someone. I hoped it was a safe someone. I miss judged. Next time, I’ll think longer on who I trust with my soft underbelly. Get my drift?

You already spotted the Un-Niche all over my face right? Yep. It was the royalty.

Dang. How do I slow this bus down a bit?

Frankenstein – Bipolar & ADHD

/ Robin

Frankenstein-tumblr_ovgh5egVdd1wzx3t8o1_1280 I’m aware, that when given the chance, I will, without question, talk until the air has been sucked out of the general area and everyone has passed out. So normal.

Anxiety – After I graduated, and a few weeks had passed I could tell I was under stress from that. My anxiety has gone down. It did get better, for a while. I got to the point where I didn’t quite feel like my brain has been stuffed full of raging bees. Awesome!

ADHD – I was under the assumption that I was taking Ritalin to help me focus my attention so I could do well in my classes. I was always confused when my med provider asked me if I felt the Ritalin she was prescribing was helping me to focus better. I always said, and continue to say, “Um… I guess so.” I’m manic! What does she want me to say? I work very hard when I meet with her to sit, shut up, and answer her questions honestly. She terrifies me. What if I answer wrong and she changes my meds again? I’ll say something than think, “Crap! Why did I say that?” I always say that I guess it was working well. I suppose. Now I think that I was wrong.

More ADHD – I accepted the diagnosis of having ADHD because it was about not being able to focus on one thing at a time and I knew I couldn’t do that. But, being Bipolar was always the main objective of both my counseling sessions and appointment with the med woman.

Bipolar 1 – I assumed that my Bipolar was worse (or more dangerous to me) than ADHD could be. Wasn’t it?

You know how a doctor will sometimes leave a small tube that goes through an incision so that the area can drain and heal properly?

Yeah, I don’t know where I was going with that—

Switch – I have some ideas that I think are pretty good. I’ve done one or two or three big projects that have come out great. The other 45 ideas that are going around in my mind appeared to be stuck in orbit. I remember the video I watched on YouTube yesterday about ADHD and I was shocked. Frankenstein!

FRANKENSTEIN – I’ve come to think of Bipolar/ADHD as a Frankenstein type of symbiotic relationship. I can’t imagine why my diagnoses has always focused upon Bipolar Disorder. In counseling I talk faster and faster and cover an impressive variety of topics.

Pressured Speech (Bipolar) – Thought very little about ADHD or how to deal successfully with it. I’ve been taking medication for it for three years. In that time no one has talked to me taught me to handle it. Why not?

FRANKENSTEIN – Why hasn’t anyone explained how the two disorders interact, and how the medications for each may also affect each other. (“Do you think that the Ritalin is making your mania worse?”)

I have been primarily a mixed state, high functioning, Bipolar type 1 for years now. I always thought that my constant mental zooming about was just my amazingly stunning mania. (While I mostly talk about my being manic lately, let me just say that depression has played a big part in my mental health too.)

My daughter went with me to my last counseling appointment. We talked about my inability to stick with one thing and see it through to completion and how it was impacting her. Basically, I’m driving her bonkers. These are some of the things that I do: TALK CONSTANTLY NO MATTER WHAT WE ARE DOING, change topics as fast as I talk, pick up a pile of laundry in the living room to put it away, stopping to talk to our beta fish (Victor and Batman) and feed them a few dried wormy things and set down the laundry, forget that I had a mission with the laundry, see that the dog/cats water bowls are empty and fill them, read 1.75 pages in a book. What was I doing? Let the dog out to do her business. Hours later I discover the laundry next to the fish… you get the idea.

My new counselor, my daughter and I decided that I need to focus on being able to focus. Yes, my Bipolar mania hops it up like jet fuel in a race car, but with knowledge and tools to help me with my ADHD and settle on one thing, even for an hour, I might just begin to get a handle on my anxiety/stress and even mania.

Maybe. This is stressing me out. Bothering my daughter this bad is building an anxiety that is part of everyday life. Sigh…

Who knew that pressured speech and mania aren’t the same thing as ADHD? I really don’t understand what the hell is going on. I feel like my brain has been sewn together with blue and green colored twine and slip knots.

One final thing: It has taken me three days and four hours to type this. Just kidding. Two days. Honestly, I have no idea. I need a time-out.

Bipolar – I Think You Should Take Fewer Pills

/ Robin

I’m going to notify my counselor that I must be rid of my med provider as soon as it can be arranged. I’ve told Arthur, my counselor, that I don’t feel that Jamie (med provider) is working in my best interest. My next appointment with her she started right off by confronting me about what I’d told Arthur. I confessed thit it was true.

It got me no where.

She says that I’m on too many pills and she doesn’t want to add anymore. Apparently, this is her rational for not giving me medication that might actually have helped me.

I’ve been practically begging for something for my anxiety that only get’ s increasingly more consuming with each passing day

This whole school year has been like a nightmare.

She doesn’t want to give me more pills? Bull!! It is not her choice to decide whether what other doctors prescribe me for illnesses she knows even less about than I do.

She has repeatedly used this as an excuse not to give me something that could prevented me from my brake down. I have high cholesterol, my thyroid is out of whack, I have chronic horrible lower back pain, I have FM, RA, OA, a facial tick (probably stress related), PTSD, and have recently been diagnosed with IBS-d. It’s a crap load of stuff, but they have all been dealt with by someone more intelligent than she is.

I’ve asked each and every visit for something to help with the burning anxiety. She refuses. She gives me fewer chill pills.

Does she think I like taking a handful of pills twice a day? Moron.

I’ve finally had a breakdown. I blame her. In December I confessed I’d been having thoughts of harming myself. I’d hidden that for years, but at that point it was too much, and I confessed it.

She did nothing.

If I can’t trust my med provider to guard my mental wellbeing, than who will? There aren’t many options here.

I’ve started to shake, Twitter, and twitch again. I’m graduating today. My anxiety that mixes like a charm with my mania and depression making my constant mixed state even more confusing and painful. It’s too much to handle anymore.

I’m firing her. She truly doesn’t have my best interests in mind. I don’t need one of my medical professionals contributing to my madness. That’s just sick.

Bipolar – Letting Go. The Great Pause of a Moment in My Mind – Peace

/ Robin

www.youtube.com/watch {Please watch this short music video so you can get the gist of what I’m relating to you.}

Sometimes, I remember that moments of peace I experience are often when I’m outside of my head.

Perhaps you’ve never seen a video like this before. The first time through for me I just watched. Then I played it again and again. I closed my eyes and let go of all the thoughts that had been overwhelming me. I let the sounds that I heard, unfamiliar as they were, snuff out the ever present junk… that Bipolar junk.

Whether it is this video or some other, find one that you can abandon yourself in. Try something without lyrics. The words will only guide you and keep the constant brain usage, the chatter, at maximum, just like I always do.

I went outside without my phone, tablet, book, or laptop today. There was no human to talk to. It was just Bailey and I and a few flies. No one mowed, destroyed weeds with a buzz saw or played their bloody music at all.

It was amazing. Stunning. I stopped. Peace. This must be real peace.

Twice today I experienced genuine peace in my Bipolar, ADHD, PTSD, anxiety riddled mind and I fell in love with it.

No drugs or talk therapy. Simply stopping. Simply unplugging. Simply letting go.

Give it a try and see if you can touch your bit of peace. Try for it. As full of bananas as my brain is, I found it. I bet you can too. Now, stop everything from bugging you for five tiny minutes, and let the peace break in on the reliable back, of music.