Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar – Never Far Away

/ Robin

I reached a stasis point, a time of going to neither depressed nor manic poles. I thought I was emotionally cramped or stunted. So, as I’ve said, my med provider and I decided to lower my Latuda to 80mg. It’s been about three weeks now and I can say without a doubt that I’m swinging again and in a bad way. I just called one of my daughters (I asked my family to watch me) and she said she’d noticed something had changed too and was wondering if that’s what was up.

Of course, I denied it. I realize now (30 minutes later) that I was protecting myself. I’ve worked for so hard for so long to be stable I didn’t want to admit that I’d have to up my medication again. I wanted to believe I could do this, be normal on my own.

I guess I feel like if I can’t be “normal” I won’t have really lived, I won’t really have given to my world or amounted to anything. I think those thoughts and feelings are always beneath the “calm” exterior of my well medicated self. It’s frustrating.

I’ve gone back to school so I can get a job. I’m 54 and I’m just going to school for a career now. It makes me so sad. See, the depression is coming like a vengeful lover, rough and dark.

If I’m already behaving “mean” towards my daughter and feeling depressed and like I’m about to have a fight I guess I’m not ready to be on a lower dose of my Latuda. So, it’s either go back up or change to something else. I’ll need to call the nurses line tomorrow and see if I can talk to my med provider as soon as I can. This isn’t the kind of thing that I should just wait until my next visit to handle.

Tomorrow I also see my counselor. We definitely have something to talk about.

Today I saw my pain management specialist. She ordered an MRI of my lower back. For some reason no one has ever had one done. I would have thought that having me on pain medications as long as I’ve been on them that someone would have had one done, but I can’t find it if they did.

Well, my new reality and I are going to read for a few minutes and then go to bed.

Be safe my friends.

Bipolar – Hidden Emotions

/ Robin

After months of not really feeling anything accept sever anxiety, my emotions are waking up again. I’m hoping that all the months of counseling have prepared me for my feelings, my moods.

I took a poetry class this last quarter. I had a difficult time writing the poetry because my emotions were packed away in a closet inside my brain. I wrote very clinically, very much cerebral and didn’t feel inspired or moved at all.

I’m enrolled in the disability program at the college and one of the things I get is time and a half for exams. Of course there aren’t exams in poetry, but the first quarter that I had this professor with I’d gone in and went over my disability papers with her and explained about how this was my first year back to college and I that was having a hard time. I took a chance and told her about my having Bipolar. I haven’t really thought it was necessary to tell my other professors what my disability is, but I felt like I was connecting with this professor and I also felt like I would be able to come and her and talk if I needed to.

I talked to her about how my BP was affecting my writing and she suggested I read “Touched with Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison to see how many artistic people have mental illness (especially Bipolar Disorder). Funny thing was, I have read it. I’ve spent so much time in it that the pages have come off the spine of the book and nearly every page has notes and things underlined in it. It is in such bad shape that I purchased another copy so I could read it again. This is one of those books I bought in paper back and not as an eBook. If I have a book I want to markup I always get it in print. It’s just easier for me to make notes and find things in.

The first thing I encountered in Jamison’s book was a through recounting of all the symptoms having to do with Bipolar Disorder. Having been only anxious and not having mood swings for a few months per se, I was shocked as I remembered all the emotions that are currently hiding behind my medications.

I’m glad that I read what the symptoms are again because of the fact that we’ve lowered my Latuda and I need to be on the watch for symptoms to return. I have to admit, I’m worried now. I forgot how bad it has been for me. I rate on the top of the Bipolar Disorder Type 1, but I’m also high functioning so I’ve been able to hide it from most people. At least I think I have. Who really knows what others think of us when we’re in the midst of an active outburst of violent emotions.

So here I go, with an intentionally lowered mood stabilizer, and me waiting to see if any of my old enemies come sauntering out of the closet. I must remember not to hold my breath.

Bipolar – Is My Imagination Stuffed?

/ Robin / 2 Comments

It is a fact that many highly creative people feel that getting their Bipolar Disorder under control means they will lose the creative fire they have had burning inside for so long. The strength, the depth, the fire… it seems lost.

We feel we become a shell of our former exciting, dangerous selves. But that’s the trade-off. Be stable and feel stunted or feel crazy and out of control.

Personally, I would like to feel more emotions. I know Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder and that we feel things much more severely than the average person does. It has destroyed me more than once. I know that. Yet, I miss feeling the warmth that intense emotions gave me. I miss being able to write stories from an emotional base, instead of from a purely academic place.

I don’t want to mess with my meds. But I do want to feel more. There must be a way to ignite the fire again without burning myself down.

Bipolar – A Letter to TB

/ Robin / 1 Comment

I wrote this in response to another blogger’s post one day several weeks ago. I wanted to share it with you. I could have easily have written it to myself… Maybe I did…

Dear TB,
Anxiety is like a beast that has pounced
and has its claws plunged clean through you.
Believe me when I say that the claws can be removed.
It is slow and painful, but it can be done.
The depression you feel is real
and can be a killer.
Do not give in to it. Fight back.
Talk to your people, take your meds,
eat well and try to do something you enjoy.
Can you sleep? Do it.
Try to be with people. Safe people.
Keep p0sting on your blog.
There are many who listen to you,
many who identify with your pain.
People care what happens to you
though they don’t know who you really are.
They care about what you do next.
You talk about not wanting to live.
As you fight and fight and fight it will get better.
It will take time, but you can survive.
I can tell you from my own experience
That the anxiety you feel can lessen.
you can settle down and know peace
it’s true. You can pull the claws out
and you can heal.
Be patient.
It will take time.
Robin

Bipolar Referral

/ Robin

I came across this blog the other day and I wanted to share it with you. It’s about Bipolar characters in fiction. Why characters with Mental Illness Matter

I’m not familar with any of the books listed so I can’t really recommend any of them, but the blog itself is really good.