Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar – Parenting During Times of Loss

/ Robin

My father is still with us and for this I am thankful. I dread his passing for where it/he will leave the family… grieving.

Most of my life my father and I fought. Some people somehow missed all that, but it was real we fought all the time. Well, if you can call violence in the air (verbal abuse I guess) as fighting.

Since his diagnosis just a few months ago as having stage 4 cancer that had spread at an alarming rate we have been having weekly and sometimes twice weekly family meals. We meet to celebrate what we have and finally who we are to each other.

Who we are… My brother is seeing me more often now and is noticing I change from week to week. I almost feel like I understand my father’s dementia.

Three months we’ve been fighting insurance to get any of the ADHD medications approved. I’m foggy. I’m distracted. I’m not driving safely. I’m spacy. I need help.

My counselor is taking up the fight for me to find out what is going wrong and how to fix it. She said that I have enough to worry over with my dad being as he is without having something like this complicating and stressing things more. I hope she makes progress.

Bipolar parents during times of grief and loss…. I’m still waiting. It’s getting harder for all of us each day. My mother,  my brother and I and I my three kids. The pain of watching (dad) grandpa go further each week is so hard. But he fights to stay lucid and in good humor and I think he does it for us.

And so as a Bipolar parent beginning to deal with loss and grief all I can tell you is this: at the end of the day, all we have left is family. Make your peace while you can. You never know when that kid or parent or spouse you didn’t tell you love them before they went out to drive someplace never to return to you.

Everything, every trip, every word spoken in spite or anger, every moment of love and kindness, every second before the passing of a Bipolar mom’s father… is stressing me much more than normal. Much. It pierces my brain. How can I help my kids through this and my mother and brother if I cannot think because an insurance keeps denying my medication? It’s very very hard.

Being a mom during the wait for loss is hard. My mouth might say the wrong thing in front of the kids that they aren’t ready to hear. We’re very open about it. We talk about possible ways we think we might react. I think that’s a subconscious effort to prepare us for the future.

For now, we’re working with Hospice and waiting. He can’t be left alone. I think that is the hardest on my son. He doesn’t know what to talk about when he stays with him. I didn’t realize until it was too late how hard it was. He never complained. Unless its about a sister.

May the Schwartz be with you.

Your friend, Robin

Bipolar – Daily Survival – Mindfulness

/ Robin / 1 Comment

Hello again,

I would tell you that having Bipolar makes my life, my days, challenging at the least. But you already know that don’t you? I’ve been considering sharing with you something I started doing that I find helps more than… well, you’ll have to try it and see.

I’m going to share some TED Talks with you and talk about how these Talks relate to Bipolar. This first video (No, I’m not going to turn my blog into a mini “TED Talks” venue. However, I’ll take (learn) help wherever I can find it and in this case it starts with a short video. (Please watch it. It is NOT religious in nature. I say NOT RELIGIOUS at all.) Let me know what you think. How do you think this might help me in dealing with myself everyday?

Bipolar – Handling an Insane Schedule and Still Having Fun

/ Robin

I tend to forget a very important fact when I’m busy and especially when I’m going to be driving… I have chronic pain in my back and I tend to forget to take my Oxycodone. Or, if I’m going to be driving, I don’t take it. Late this afternoon I remembered I was in pain (I also take Lyrica for FM and have OA so go figure with all the pain right?), I remembered and I took my pain killer. Quickly I was able to do house work and things I had stopped doing again, like moving around like I’m not a super old and very cranky woman.

I’m not high. Just experiencing less pain. It’s makes such a difference with the Lyrica and Oxy and the anti-inflammatory they have me on for my OA.

Back to the really important stuff: The Magical How to Be Too Busy and Still Have Fun.

Since my last post things have gotten more complicated and because I neglected to take some of my meds as prescribed I started being angry for no good reason and wanting to lash out. Took my meds…. I’m ok now. I can’t stress enough that we have to take our meds. You don’t think you need them? Especially during this next 30 days or so then you are nuts and a dope. Take your meds.

Starting last
Saturday  – Afternoon at my parents just to visit (my dad has stage four cancer and they “say” he has 6 – 12 months left) My brother and I are trying to spend time with them as much as possible.

Sunday (today) – Early family dinner at my parents with Tony and Mat too (my brother and his partner)

Monday – Take Kyle to the bus at 7:50 (the transit bus line stops exactly 8 minutes before our house)
– Take Syd to friend’s house so friend can get Syd to work on time (Kyle and I will be heading to Seattle)
– Pick up kyle at UWT at 11:00
– Arrive at UW medical center to get my new dentures (only Kyle and Syd know I’m getting them now)
– Drive through Seattle/Tacoma traffic through rush hour home. Usually takes 2 to 2.5 hours. Crazy drive. Seatac is almost that far.
– Pick up Sydney at end of bus route at 6:00 or find her a ride home

Tuesday – Sydney Braces for teeth…. orthodontist appt. at 7:50 a.m.
– 3:00 Sydney works till 5
– Kyle school then works till 5
– My brother’s birthday – at Bob’s Burgers (Where everyone will see my new teeth and that I cannot work them very well yet. So funny!)

Wednesday – Pick up “Carol”, my friend for lunch at Seatac during her layover. Actually, I’m picking up Jessica (my other daughter) from the airport and sneaking her home to surprise her sibs. 1:15 p.m.
– 3:00 Sydney works till 5

Thursday – Thanksgiving where I will again try to eat and talk with my new face. I anticipate talking funny for a bit and eating… carefully. lol
– Dinner at my brother and Mat’s at 4:30. It will be a banquet for kings and queens. They always throw amazing parties. The food is amazing. But then, they have lots of money.

Sat – Sun Syd is supposed to work on a project with a girl from school…. only she doesn’t know her sister will be leaving Monday. OMG!

I think those are the highlights. All the while I will be thinking of my dad and how he’s doing. And that the stress of all these secrets is making my brain burn like a torch lighting the way to a wondrous gift: family… and taking my meds as prescribed every day. Even the stupid ones that want to be taken 3 times a day. Uh. Don’t you hate those? Makes me bonkers.

My friend Carol and Jessica are the only ones that know what’s going on. No, Jessica doesn’t know I’m coming to the airport with my face in (dentures, it really changes your face).

Now more how to survive Thanksgiving tips that I use myself:
Play games – I don’t care if they’re card games with others or computer games by yourself. Play something!
Breath – from deep down in the belly when you feel the stress monster coming for you.
Ask for a hug – you don’t even need to say why. Just ask for one… or give one, maybe more than one!
Eat properly, and drink lots of water. No booze. NO BOOZE. Seriously. Don’t drink it.
Get enough sleep.
Smile. Smile for others if you can’t for yourself. Don’t bring your world down to your mood if you’re cranky.
Meditate, pray, be still… recharge yourself. Go to your happy place.
Oh, and do not over eat.

And then the next day will come and what you did the day before will still be with you so make wise choices.

Lastly, if you have a service dog avail them of their services. It’s what you have them for! Mine is sleeping soundly in her place at the foot and her side of my bed. Even with her cone on she knows when I need her. (She had her girl bits removed and wants to lick it too much) So that damn cone  is another stressor for us all. It makes it very difficult to train her with it on.

I’ve taken on a lot this week. I’ve decided I can make it work if I take my time and keep things separated. I believe I can do this. I even have a separate schedule in my desk in my room for Jessica coming. If I mess that up the game will be blown. Normally, I wouldn’t do this much, but Jess and I decided she should come home for a quick visit now and a longer one in December in case something happens with my dad; her grandpa.

She just became a Senior Airman in the USAF. I’m so proud of her! Her new stripes and all that are so cool. I can’t wait to see the picture of her in her blues besides her selfie. lol

And now the test. Can I follow my own plans to succeed? Have I set myself up for a huge fall? I don’t think so. I’m having to focus on others;  always a good thing. Focus. That’s important. I’ve got to stay focused and balanced and ask for help when I need it. Sometimes that’s hard to do.

Let me know how you fair this week my friend. I’ll tell you how I do when I’m through next Monday.

May you escape the nibble of a turkey on the end of your nose. May you eat said turkey instead. May you stuff your bird with stuffing . And may you spend time with loved ones, even if it’s only by phone or Hangout or… thinking of them. A little bit of love goes a long way. May you succeed in all your goals

Ciao,

Robin

Bipolar Parent – Taking the Holidays by Storm

/ Robin

All my kids know I have this blog. They all know that I write about them. I periodically check in with them them and make sure they remember they can read up on what I say. They don’t. Well, for a while Jessica (22 and in the AFB) helped me with some settings in this blog. But, I don’t think she reads it. Here’s the test.

Monday 24th
Sydney (she’s 17) and Kyle (he’s 19) know that I’m getting my new teeth (my face back) on Monday the 24th. Only they know.

Tuesday 25th
I will get used to my teeth and try to learn to talk again. lol We will not tell my parents, brother or Jessica that I have my new teeth. They will all be told that I’m getting them the Monday after Thanksgiving.

Wednesday 26th
Jessica will secretly fly into Seatac airport for a surprise visit. No one knows she’s coming. Jessica does not know I will already have my new teeth either. I’m telling everything her I’m getting my teeth the following Monday as well. So I’m surprising her as well. Kyle and Sydney think (hopefully but I think Sydney has guessed) Jessica in December. I’m telling them I’m meeting my very good friend Carol at Seatac during a 2 hour layover from FL to Anchorage. (I really think Syd has figured it out the little shit!) I’m saying I’m going to have lunch with her.

Thursday 27th
Everyone will find out Jessica is home when we go to my brother’s house for dinner and they will also see my new teeth!

Sound complicated? I don’t feel like it is. My ducks are in a row. I just have to work my texts with Carol to convince Sydney Carol is coming and not Jess. I’ll have to hide her in the trunk or something.

I’m exhausted. I was sick this last Sunday and I don’t think I’ve got my fluids topped off just yet. lol

Be happy, be safe and try to plan something memorable with family or friends.

This year I’m in control. (course I’m well medicated too) And, I’m having fun. Wish me luck!

Bipolar – What to Do When the People Who Check You Take Your Meds Are Growing Up?

/ Robin

The idea of living on my own with no one to check my meds over to make sure I’m on track and taking the right dose when it gets changed or starting something new….  terrifies me.

Jessica, my beautiful 22 year-old is living at the AFB in Tamp, FL. She’s about as far away as she can be and still be in the states. Years, for years she kept an eye on me. It was especially so much so when I had my first knee replacement, replaced. I was in far too much pain and the meds weren’t helping. It was so horrible. I don’t know how she managed it all. And she pretty much ran the house (younger brother and sister).

When the kids were a bit younger we made a very unusual pact. The pact was about my not reliably taking my meds and knowing how I’m doing and such. My moral compasses, that’s what they have been. My psych ones too – especially so.

This was the pact: I would live with one of them (or very near) so they can keep me safe. Let’s face it. Over the years I’ve come to admit that I could hurt myself if I let myself go. I wouldn’t. I’d been relying upon that and that makes me feel safe. And that’s super important.

Problem: Jess is in the AF, Kyle is a full-time student at UWT in downtown Tacoma and Sydney likewise is a full-time student, and has a part-time job. Sydney plans to move out and onto a campus as soon as she graduates and gets accepted at one of her chosen colleges. Kyle is a Tacoma boy and loves it here. He’ll probably do all of his Bachelor’s degree at UWT.

Jess gone and living on MacDill AFB. Syd will be gone. It will be myself and Kyle. I don’t mind living with my handsome boy (Sydney would the other two a run for their money in the looks dept I say with motherly intent), but, I don’t want him to be the college kid who lives with mommy. Know what I mean?

Kyle’s friends and I get on well generally. I don’t want to be a burden.

Then there is the pack. One of them will always “take care” of me. I don’t trust myself alone. That’s just the truth. Neither do they.

I don’t think we considered the time between high school and real jobs.

And my dad is dying. I’m getting new teeth being made at UW School of something something.

And I’m a bit terrified.

My tick reached epic proportions when last afternoon I couldn’t speak at all. If my extra dose of Diazepam had not worked we were heading to the ER. It was time to get it under control. After the long wait for these beautiful teeth… I’m going to potential be biting myself everytime I open my mouth.

Damn the stars.

These ticks really are devastating. I always hand the phone to a kid or don’t answer. Talking with my mom about other non-essential issues set me over the top yesterday. I lost my cookies and completely melted down  as evidenced by this violent inability to talk.

I’m thrilled for my kids and to get new teeth. And I’m also terrified.

Can you relate?

Your friend,

Robin