Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar – Humiliation and Money

/ Robin

Money.

If you’re like me you’ve messed up your finances more that 4 or 5 times. Maybe you live on a small income from the State and help from your mother who is 72. I find being poor humiliating. Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t. I do. I will. I suppose. How about you?

One of my kids suggested to me that I go to GoFundMe and try to raise money so I could go see my eldest in the military clear across the country. She’s my best friend. I miss her so. The other two kids and I have totally unique relationships with me. I love them all so much. But back to money and humiliation.

I’ve started a fund raising drive on GoFundMe. I let it post it to Facebook so all my friends know now. Today I added an update telling them everything accept that I’m Bipolar. I’ll do that tomorrow. Hopefully someone will have read it by then so they won’t be to blindsided when they learn it. I even put both the last names I use. I’ve tried to keep my Bipolar writings separate from my other work and world. Have you done that too?  With Google and Facebook hooking everything together it’s hard to do. So now all my “friends” know me by my maiden name and my married name. They can find this blog if they look for me. I’m out there now.

So my friends let me show you what I’ve done and put forth the same inquiry to you that I have to everyone else. Will you help me?

Bipolar – Good Pride

/ Robin

A few hours ago my eldest daughter became a certified air traffic controller!
I’m so proud.  I wish I could afford to go see her.  She’s in Florida and I’m in Washington State.

This is one happy mom!

Check out her new thingie.

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Bipolar – Remember the the Phoenix

/ Robin / 1 Comment

Remember the Phoenix

I learned that today. I listen to college level courses at The Great Courses and today I was listening to “Mind, Body Medicine: new science of optimal health” and in the lesson the instructor said something like this:

Never forget the phoenix for the ashes.

I’ve heard that or similar sayings before. I had just spent the last 3 hours trying not to break down and cry after pouring some coffee for myself. And no, I did not spill it. But I did sit down and realize I need to get on top of what was happening with me quickly. I took my prescribed medications for these situations.

I don’t remember how exactly I managed it but I went through the part of my lesson for today and started meditating. No, I’m not religious in any way. But, meditation is a discipline unto itself and is time tested to heal the human mind. I’m willing to give it a go. So I spent the 30 seconds I was able to focus on sitting down when I stood up to try again. Why? The lecturer said I could if I wanted to. So I did.

Oh, yes, the lecture was partly on meditation. I forgot my address today. My social security number two days ago and my phone number and my soc number mixed together (the first three numbers are the same, just in different ways.). So, forgive me for getting this mixed up. Oh my stars. (Thank you Bewitched)

Then I looked at my puppy Bailey and remembered that she’s learning to be my companion/service dog. I needed to let her be that for me now. I trained her. It’s great because our attention spans are about the same. 5-15 minutes tops. We trained three times today. The last time she carried a piece of mail from the mailbox all the way to the house, in the house and up the stairs. Wow! This was only the second time I’ve tried to get her to carry the mail. She did it the first time, but I got it from her at the door.

So Bailey and a bird called the Phoenix reminded me that I need to take care of myself every minute.

My father is 73 and has a two inch spot in his lung. We’ve had our differences and aren’t buddies, but… he’s my dad.

I would like to not have ADHD so I can deal with one thing at a time, one thing at a time. Uhh… Makes me crazy. Me, my brain… makes me “crazy”.

Peace to the Phoenix. More soon my friend.

Bipolar – Glued by Medication

/ Robin

I’m feeling better now. At this moment. Better. Although I did think about my daughter who is and Airman in the United States Air Force over at MacDill, FL (I’m near Seattle). I was going through photos of her while looking through my pics for a suitable one of her to use . That’s all it took. She has always been my best friend. My rock. She doesn’t have to say anything. She just is there. When she was here we loved doing a lot of the same things or found it pretty easy to tolerate ones didn’t like. Drives to Mount Rainier were frequent and other close by places off in nature’s year round greenery. We are fortunate here in the Evergreen State.

I looked at pictures of her and I cried. I calmed down, and then I cried. My son just got home a bit ago and I told him. I started crying again. I was able to get myself to stop more easily this time, but by now I headache. Because of my meds I’m reduced to just taking Tylenol for headaches.

Yesterday I slept most of the day. Blah. Not as bad as being depressed out of my mind, but when you’re sleeping at awkward moments it can be about as bad. I don’t remember a thing. Today was better. A little adjustment in the timing of medications can work wonders.

Bipolar – Fractured

/ Robin

I don’t like to talk about the spin, the time when I free fall and cannot make myself stop. When anger and grief and pain explode in my life… not just my brain. What I think, this is what and who I am.

For the moment. Sometimes these moments can draw on for the proverbial eternity and we try to think, if we could, that we’re coming near the end, that we cannot stand this anymore.

I didn’t have more than brief moments of these things. Most of the time I have been so manic that I thought my brain would implode from shear spinning. You see my friend, I’m a mixed Bipolar 1. Those of you who aren’t familiar with this condition, congratulations. Today you win the lottery. This last few weeks have been terrible. I have been very depressed and unable to see it or deal with it. When it was suggested that this might be where my massive irritation was coming from I had a difficult time admitting that it probably was. (See how I did that? I still skirted around it.)

I have exploded, with my kids present, too many times. Recently, too many times. Okay, not exactly always at them. Sometimes just when they’re around. When I’ve considered my past I worry for the times they’ve been exposed to my insanity. Being a single mom and going ballistic for what seems now like for no reason at all leaves a mark on kids. They say it’s worse than divorce. I’m both. Bipolar and divorced. I worry for they scars they carry… because of me.

I’m a mixed state depressed and yet manic Bipolar 1. I have two kids still at home. I am alone. I have no friend to speak of accept one and we met on line and don’t speak of these things. I’m glad for that. I can be normal with her. She knows I’m Bipolar and she doesn’t care. I act rationally if a little meanderingly with her. And yet, I fear I’ll say something and she’ll walk away too. So many have that I’ve quit trying to find friends.

My family doesn’t (beyond my kids) understand. Not at all. When they care to try to… they… well they don’t. Recently I learned that when my mother took home stuff to read about Bipolar she never read them. She’s never looked it up on line. She’s now 72. She has no excuse. She knows how to use Google.

Yet we all know that even the great Google cannot explain this that we are. We are ourselves. We are great in mental volume, if not in order. We excel in emotion, if not in control.

I spent a lot of time this last few weeks in grief, anger, fear, irritation and depression. I suppose, don’t understand why I avoid that. I think it seems to my fractured mind that admitting depression means loosing the last bastion of my mind. Confusing, I know. New meds sedate me too the point where I simply cannot not sleep. This frightens me as well. You see, as my med provider put it, “We need to get your nerves calmed down.” Now, when I’m not so calm as to sleep, I’m not calm. There must be a middle ground. I must give my mind time to heal. Be patient.

My kids suffer I think. They are afraid they may have inherited my genes too much. But you know, after all of me, all of living with me, they still believe in themselves. They have ego. EGO. All three believe in themselves.

See you thought I’d never finish the “pride” letter didn’t you? Ha! They have pride in themselves that is good. It isn’t forced. It’s part of who they are. Part of their hardwiring. I asked them how they each manage to be so sure of themselves. This is what they said, each one said this:

“Mom, you taught us to believe in ourselves. You drilled it into us. You, you did this.” I did. I made them who they are. (Give this wording to me for now. I deserve it.)

I have my own ego. Ego born of an accurate estimation of ones abilities is a good thing. I’ve struggled with this thinking I’m really stupid because I never finish anything. But I have. I’ve successfully raised three amazing kids (young adults). I know what I’m good at and they are many things. I finish things when my brain lets me. One thing.

I’ve raised three amazing kids. I’ve been a wreck this week. But, I started on Lyrica for some of my physical pain. I should be scheduled soon for a shot in my spine and that should alleviate a lot of my other physical pain. My additional meds should mitigate some of my mental pain. Even though I’m up in the middle of the night again, I feel restless, but hopeful. For the moment. These moments will grow longer, this much I know from experience. I must stay the course and take all my meds every single bloody day.

I have one thing to say to you and I hope you will listen.

I’ve raised great kids. Awesome kids. I love them beyond words. I… have raised awesome kids despite myself.

My friends write to me and comment on my letter. I wish to read your thoughts. You too are important to me. Till the nest time, be well and be patient with yourself. Give yourself a chance to heal.

(Oh, and there are now 23 pot shops. (Oy veh)