Sadness & Our Families

Friday I got “good” news. I saw a neurologist and finally got to rule out any of the neurological problems that can cause facial ticks. Mine has been getting worse. Sometimes I just have to stop talking. I’ve noticed it gets worse when I’m even a little stressed… or excited. I have to stop and take a breath. It’s frustrating.

The doctor told me to talk to my mental health specialist. It’s psychological. Terrific.

It really is good news that I don’t have yet another physical problem. On the other hand it is very … depressing to find out that my brain is even more screwed up than I thought. When I say this I mean really that I have even more work controlling myself than before. Now, anyone who knows about the tick and what’s causing it (that would be me) will know that I’m stressed. How do I know that? My kids have already started doing it.

It makes a difference when there is a physical manifestation with my mental alphabet. I don’t even know how to process this.

Is it a good thing to have an obvious facial tick … the kind of thing I don’t know if I can control always … or is it bad because I know I’m mental? It’s heavy on me. Weights me down.

Families. I’m really sad about this whole thing. It “makes” me snappy at my kids. I’m hurting and they go about their lives. I guess I’ve raised them that way, to carry on. I don’t want them to be destroyed by my pain. Of course I want them to help me. Yet, I wonder what that means, really. It isn’t the kind of pain they can  slap a band-aid on like they do when I hurt myself.

I won’t say  “I feel like I’m dying inside”, because while I’m stricken with this news, I’m not so depressed that I can’t breathe. Actually, despite how horrible I feel since learning this tick is “in my mind” I’m sleeping really well. 7 – 9 hours a night all weekend. That never happens. I still feel tired though. Maybe though, maybe this is my brain’s way of saying… “Hey, now we know what the game is. We can fight back. Let’s make a plan.”

Question: Is there something you feel pressing on you like I feel about the tick? Something extra, added to your life that’s really messing with you?

It’s okay if you do. It really is.

The thing each of us needs to decide is how we decide to go forward… are we going to choose going forward? I have to decide completely how I’m going to deal with this. I can decide to fight the whole idea and let it destroy me. Or, I can let it roll over me like a wave.

I like the idea of a wave best. Absorb it. Make it part of me. Grab it and take it along for the ride. I can be more at peace rolling in the wave, than I can be when the wave inevitably comes crashing down on me.

Gonna roll.

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