I have moved into my room where it is cooler than the rest of the house, not to cool down, but to calm down. The cool room was just a bonus. Someone had just called and I felt that they were wrong, not I. It was something very important to me. And now it has to be put off and may not be ready for when my eldest daughter comes home on leave.
I plunged to despair and frustration with a swaggle of anxiety and frustration and went to my room to pout. To have a really good angry… pout.
I felt my old enemy rage upon me as so many times before. This time, I was almost ready. Almost. Fortunately I stopped myself before I started I started my wrecking ball at my family.
I cooled down a bit then realized I haven’t done this in several weeks. I’ve been on Neurontin and I really like what it does for me. What I don’t like is that I struggle not to fall asleep at all hours. We’ve been adjusting to this and losing all that the Neurontin benefited me. Then WHAM! I realized what was happening. I was going down the low road again. I was starting to implode again… then I realized I needed to stop. I realized that the lower dose of Neurontin (going lower and lower) was allowing me to slide. And it didn’t feel good at all.
I was crashing and I was gonna go down swinging.
Wait…. I have a few chill pills left. I took one.
And now I can write and consider a little nap before dinner to sooth my mind.
Restoring myself to equilibrium.
You know what? I’m glad I had sense enough (this time) to remove myself without any parting shots. And to use the cooler room and when being alone to realize what was happening. And sometimes, I have to tell you honestly, the truth is that sometimes, I need a little more help to “reset” myself.
I’m forever happy, that I have been able to eventually come back round to front “sort of side-wise”.
And… thank you for the little special pills. Taken with care and sparingly. But absolutely – taken.