Bipolar – Symphony No. 1

My kids don’t understand why I love classical music. I’m sorry darlings, but I do. I started listening to my limited cassette collection when I purloined my mother’s never listened to tapes and started listening while I attempted to do my homework in high school. I found early on in my academic career that music with words completely fascinates… ok. That’s a totally lie. I forget all about my homework and sing along.

Classical music turned out to be a great boon for me. I could close my eyes and center myself as I continued to distract myself. I looked out the windows and was coerced to let my eyes hungrily absorb the beauty I saw all around me. We lived in a house far off the road in Washington State in a small town called Gig Harbor. Our home was a mile off the main road and on ten acres of woodland. We had horses and dogs and cats and pigs and chickens… and a pond. We had all sorts of things. And then, we had classical music.

I was prompted to write to you about classical music tonight because I’m sitting here, finally silent and not bothering either kid while plugged in (as I call it). I’ve been very busy talking and bossing and yelling and laughing and being frustrated all weekend

We finally had our garage sale and made a little money. I’m about halfway to being able to afford to fly to Tampa, Florida to see my Air Force Airman daughter Jessica. I’m so proud of her. And I miss her so much.

Sydney has been playing a video game that was making her crazy for the last several hours. Kyle was helping me submit a patent to the patent office. That was a little nutty. While Kyle went over what we had written and tried to clarify some things we ran into Sydney. Honest. Practically physically. “You guys are saying the same thing!!!” I knew I needed to slow down.

As soon as we finished I thanked my boy and hugged him. Then I got out my Samsung S5 and plugged in (my lingo for putting in/on head or ear phones. Plugging in means there is a chance I’ll stop talking for a while and maybe even focus.

Focus. Yeah, buddy. You betcha.

I closed my eyes and drew myself together. I thought about the lessons I’ve been learning about mindfulness. I focused and opened my eyes. Symphony No. 1, Czech Philharmonic Chamber Orchestra (Brian Crain, Spring Symphonies) was playing. It was amazing. It brought me back to a time when life was simpler, when I might have thought of fewer things in the space of ten minutes. Maybe. It seems like that was the way it was.

Today, I’ve signed up for Pandora without commercials. I need the music without the psychosis inducing commercials. I’m loving it.

So we finished the garage sale. Most of the ten or so boxes of books we have left have been packed into my car and will find a new home at Half Priced Books this week. I’ll take a few boxes in at a time. I’ve discovered I get a better price that way. Feels weird to let my friends, my comfort books, go on to other people. It’s like finally giving a part of myself up that I no longer need.

My meds are to thank for that mostly. I don’t feel like I MUST have them to be able to handle life. I’m finding the strength to carry on inside my own brain, in my spirit if you will. Meds taken as instructed…. are helping me settle down long enough to be sensible about things I was so compulsive about before.

Everyone (including all the pets) have gone off to bed. I think I’ll follow their lead. Probably going to be a busy week ahead of us. The calendar says so.

I’ll talk to you soon my friends. In the meantime… listen to some music you don’t normally listen to. Maybe classical? Maybe country? Whatever it is, close your eyes and try to let it take you away to a place where you can be more peaceful… quiet.

I’m on my way to bed right now. After I post this. Then right now. And I’ll read for a bit. Then my Kindle/phone will fall on my face, I’ll smile, put it down properly and pass out. I love falling asleep like that.

Night friends.

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