Bipolar – At Death’s Door

I sometimes find that I’m so concerned with how I’m going to handle things that I become distracted from the really important things going on around my brain and I that I may miss the moments that will never happen again.

Or more plainly put… I need to remember to look around me and not within only.

My father has returned home after being admitted to the hospital early Monday morning. As they say, “he gave us a scare”. His cancer has spread and is causing him pain. The pain turned out to be what we thought was the end.

Now for my reaction: I didn’t implode. Of the immediate family I was the stable one and I felt good about that. I took care of business. It wasn’t my time to cry. When it is I will.

I think of it like this; I am a single mom. I raised three kids on my own. As a mother I learned that most of the time I need to keep myself going because it was my responsibility. Even having being Bipolar type 1 and out of control most of the time I was still mom.

I held myself together for them. I’m not sure exactly how I managed it… But that’s another story.

About my father and his impending death all I can tell you that this was not my time to cry, not now. I think that’s alright.

Functionally I’m staying on my meds and getting enough sleep. I’m seeing my counselor and med provider. I have determined that I will be as mentally ” healthy” as I can be. I will cry when it it my time to cry, and that’s okay.

My friend join me as I look around myself… and see those around me.

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