I’m Having an Episode

I think that sometimes it’s good to take stock of how I’m doing (okay, daily) so I know what I can handle and what I can reasonably expect from myself. For example I’m currently having an episode. It’s been going on for some weeks now. It could best be described as a mixed state with rapid cycling. Oh, and I’m Bipolar 1, just so you have a clearer picture of me. This is the fourth night in a row I haven’t been able to sleep before 2 a.m. Normally, when I’m not having an episode, I drop right off when I lay down at 10 or 11 p.m. I’m frustrated.

I’ve tried my sleeping pills. I’ve stopped having caffeine earlier in the day. I’ve been making certain I’m taking my Ritalin early enough that it doesn’t interfere with my sleep. I’ve been walking more regularly and working my dog. She’s learned three new tricks this week. I’ve been doing my homework and cleaning house. I’ve been planning my website and registered with the Amazon Associates program. In short, I’m manic… part of the time.

Then I’m depressed. I start arguing with my mom. (Yes, I’m 53 and still call her “mom.”)

I can’t quite keep the mania going long enough to finish anything before the depression slides back in and everything comes crashing to a halt. And I forget, that I’m having an episode. A mixed-rapidly-cycling episode. If I could just remember that when I flip back to manic instead of laying here frustrated I could get up, like I just did, and get to work till my mind calms down and I can finally sleep.

If you’re reading this and you don’t understand, that’s okay. It just means we’re different. If you can identify take heart, you’re not alone. And if you’re depressed or manic hold on, I’m those too, stick around. We have things to talk about.

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