Bipolar? STILL Doesn’t Mean I’m a Failure


I took a webinar way back at the beginning of the year that helped me learn how to understand what ADHD is and how to live with it. I was told that I’m “atypical,” I’m not broken. I’m different. I’m not stupid. I can be brilliant, just like anyone else. Bipolar is just like that.

I was given the daunting task of listing 100 successes that I’ve had any time in my entire life. 100! I thought that was nuts! I put it off until the last minute, of course, but I did it. If I’m being honest I didn’t do quite all of them. I’m just too stubborn.

Here’s what I learned:

  • I have Bipolar and ADHD
  • I have had many successes
  • I tend to not see most of my accomplishments as successes
  • I tend to see difficulties as HORRIBLE
  • Not quites as COMPLETE FAILURES
  • I tend not to believe in myself

I’m not going to say that “I don’t believe in myself,” because I’ve been making a conscious choice to stop doing that. Talk about rough and rocky. Who chooses not to be rough on themselves and then stops doing it? I’ll tell you who. YOU AND I. How? Read a little further.

The name of this blog is REDUX. REDUX essentially means to do something again. Do-overs. Second chances. That’s what it means to me. How many times can we do things over? How many second chances do we have? Absolutely as many as we need. Our chances to improve, to be better, to rise, to put our shoulders back, and be proud to be different are unending.

I’m no expert, understand this. In my own life, I have had to accept that I can succeed and that I will fail and that both are okay. The most challenging thing I’m learning is that I don’t really have to forgive myself for having an emotion/mood disorder – for having an illness. It isn’t a moral issue. It’s a brain chemistry issue. Maybe. Probably. Anyway, it is not a moral issue. Unless I do something that goes beyond the emotion/mood and into a deliberate choice I don’t need to forgive myself.

What if I yell at people I love, and I hurt them? Did I mean to hurt them? Umm….. at the moment? Maybe…. When you’re falling out of an airplane, and you’re not sure how far the ground is, pull the chute. Darling, pull the chute. Apologize, and forgive yourself.

But wait, didn’t I just say I didn’t need to forgive myself? Yep. And so goes being human.

Pull the chute. As long as you doubt and question yourself, you won’t move forward. You won’t be able to feel like you’re succeeding. Listen to your heart. You aren’t saying hurtful things because you’re evil. Are you? You aren’t, are you?

I grew up on a ranch of sorts, and we had big animals with big ah… poops. Sorry, manure. I just – it slipped out. Anyway, after cleaning stalls and walking around in the horse runs it was a good idea to kick something hard to get the stuff off your boots and do some firm stomping. Kicking and stomping.

That’s what I’m suggesting. Kick the crap off so you can have another go at it. Same song, second verse. Don’t stop. Do it again. You’re not evil? Good, get up. Get going. Move. Get on with it.

Are you in the ground? No? Then get UP! You’re not a failure.

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