Anxiety

Bipolar – Peeing on a Fence

/ Robin

Okay, so I didn’t pee on a fence today… it just bloody well feels like it. These muscle spasms are so crazy intense that it is just like holding on to an electric fence. It hurts. From the end of my little pinky (as apposed to my big pinky) to my head and my toes I look like I’m doing the hot fence dance. Know what I mean?

My son Kyle (he’s actually my only son) who is 20 has remembered how much fun it is to shock his mom by building up a static charge then touching me. Holy heck!

When will this torture end? LOL I’m seriously kidding. Get my drift?

Focusing on one thing has been a problem today. It feels like my day was dumped out of a bucket of paint and onto a huge white canvas. The paint hits the canvas and morphs into splatterings of all colors. There are so many colors that I just cannot seem to be able to get a grip on any of them. It has been helping my anxiety grow, which I appreciate eversomuch.

My daughter (the baby) who is 17 just waited an hour for the bus. She’s freezing and I worry about her standing in the city downtown by herself especially when it is dark.

I’m listening to relaxing music that’s stimulating me in such a way that I want to slap it. So much for that particular meditation music. Ew. Come on YouTube.

I’m so calm I’m an atom bomb.

I pulled a muscle and now I have a horrible pain in my butt.

I should be writing.

Television is the poison for the evening. It seems to be the safest choice.

Oh yeah, I cooked a hot dog in our new used microwave oven. Just 33 seconds. It sounded like screaming children and to my great surprise did not explode on one end. Rather it exploded on both ends and in the middle. A total blow out. Then I tried to squeeze out the mustard from the container and behold I forgot it still had the paper thingie on it. My arthritic hand really appreciated that. Kyle ate my hotdog.

Bipolar. I’m not complaining though it may sound as though I am. Remember

Dragnet the television show? No? well it was a cop show and they always said something like, “just the facts ma’am”. Well it was like that. All this randomness I’ve just coughed up are just the facts ma’am. Just the facts.

And now I’m smiling. Go figure. I feel better now. Do you ever do that too? You just need to dump a little off the top so you stay in the cup? Yup.

Be well and stay away from electric fences my friend.

Bipolar Parent – Are they what they seem?

/ Robin / 1 Comment

Now bare with me I’m going to talk about two sets of parents and kids. Let’s begin briefly with my parents and then dive on into what’s happening with my Bipolar family as a direct result.

I was at my parent’s house waiting for my father to re-emerge from the bathroom. There was some discussion of sitting or standing but that’s neither here nor there. See, he falls asleep on the pot. . . .

Later we’re discussing who the woman in the pink coat is in the kitchen. “It’s mom, dad.” “Oh, okay,” he says, “it must be that pink hat.”

Sometimes so lucid. Sometimes not so much so.

I’m ok. I’m as confused by his confusion as I am by my own confusion.

I’m exhausted. I’m starting to sound stupid and I’m repeating myself all the time to my kids. It’s getting mentally and emotionally painful for me to be me because of the stress. I mean, the feeling stupid, the missing my counseling appt. because I overslept (I really need her now), the not knowing what I’ve said to which kid… I’m the Bipolar parent. And I’m so tired. I can sense that the next thing could be to make bad decisions… like when talking with my dad or other family things get confusing and I don’t remember important things. Simple and complex things.

In the past I’ve been on Ritalin when I can’t hold my attention like this. When I’m off trying to do something different in my head than catch my father from sneaking down the hallway without his walker. My brain is trying to process too much. Focus on dad or whatever it is I’m trying to do… stop trying to do both. Woe that I could.

I could pay for the Ritalin myself. I may. I’ll give it one more day and I’ll go get it. I need to be focused for my kid’s sake. I have to help them through this terrible and difficult time. I need to be a strong Bipolar daughter because my brother and mother probably won’t be. I’ll cry. I’ll grieve. I’m not saying that I won’t. But hard things have to be discussed and decided among the adults. Then I come home and explain it to my kids at different times of the day (because of high school verses UWT) what’s going on.

I take it in and am still keeping my head mostly above water because I’m taking my meds. Let me say it again. I’m taking my meds. I think that’s the first thing to go. We forget or we choose to be “bad” just “one” time. Right. Don’t forget. Figure a way out. My way works for me for now. It’s kind of complicated, but it works and I’m in control. No one (especially my kids) ask me if I’ve had my meds today. Though, I may volunteer that I haven’t just for the sake of confession my indiscretion. And I only tell one of my kids.

If I’ve left you confused you know how I am right now. Know what? It’s alright. I’m heading to bed and this can just be confusing as hell and I’ll probably forget by tomorrow.

Good night my Friends

Bipolar – What to Do When the People Who Check You Take Your Meds Are Growing Up?

/ Robin

The idea of living on my own with no one to check my meds over to make sure I’m on track and taking the right dose when it gets changed or starting something new….  terrifies me.

Jessica, my beautiful 22 year-old is living at the AFB in Tamp, FL. She’s about as far away as she can be and still be in the states. Years, for years she kept an eye on me. It was especially so much so when I had my first knee replacement, replaced. I was in far too much pain and the meds weren’t helping. It was so horrible. I don’t know how she managed it all. And she pretty much ran the house (younger brother and sister).

When the kids were a bit younger we made a very unusual pact. The pact was about my not reliably taking my meds and knowing how I’m doing and such. My moral compasses, that’s what they have been. My psych ones too – especially so.

This was the pact: I would live with one of them (or very near) so they can keep me safe. Let’s face it. Over the years I’ve come to admit that I could hurt myself if I let myself go. I wouldn’t. I’d been relying upon that and that makes me feel safe. And that’s super important.

Problem: Jess is in the AF, Kyle is a full-time student at UWT in downtown Tacoma and Sydney likewise is a full-time student, and has a part-time job. Sydney plans to move out and onto a campus as soon as she graduates and gets accepted at one of her chosen colleges. Kyle is a Tacoma boy and loves it here. He’ll probably do all of his Bachelor’s degree at UWT.

Jess gone and living on MacDill AFB. Syd will be gone. It will be myself and Kyle. I don’t mind living with my handsome boy (Sydney would the other two a run for their money in the looks dept I say with motherly intent), but, I don’t want him to be the college kid who lives with mommy. Know what I mean?

Kyle’s friends and I get on well generally. I don’t want to be a burden.

Then there is the pack. One of them will always “take care” of me. I don’t trust myself alone. That’s just the truth. Neither do they.

I don’t think we considered the time between high school and real jobs.

And my dad is dying. I’m getting new teeth being made at UW School of something something.

And I’m a bit terrified.

My tick reached epic proportions when last afternoon I couldn’t speak at all. If my extra dose of Diazepam had not worked we were heading to the ER. It was time to get it under control. After the long wait for these beautiful teeth… I’m going to potential be biting myself everytime I open my mouth.

Damn the stars.

These ticks really are devastating. I always hand the phone to a kid or don’t answer. Talking with my mom about other non-essential issues set me over the top yesterday. I lost my cookies and completely melted down  as evidenced by this violent inability to talk.

I’m thrilled for my kids and to get new teeth. And I’m also terrified.

Can you relate?

Your friend,

Robin

Bipolar – Dealing with Insurance Co.

/ Robin

Greetings Friend!

I don’t really  like to complain or make this a place to vent, but I want to give you the basics… It isn’t always health care insurance that sucks.

Since my son’s car “wreck” over a week ago the tow truck company lost the car. Then we found the car. Then our insurance company (we have the same one as him) connected me with my rep. Next, his rep. called me after my rep. concluded business with me since it was now his insurance co (we share National General) I had to talk to “Reggie”. He’s a bit of a moron and lazy from what I could tell in our awkward interactions. I’m pretty sure he lied to me about when the car was re-towed to their impound lot and when (later) specialist would inspect the car and determine fi they should fix it or total it. Reggie had no idea. You know who did? The rental car company.

Enterprise car rentals called me yesterday to ask if I would like to look at any of the used cars they sell. They could easily hook me up with one of their sales people. I’m like “what?”  He let me know the car was totalled.

I called Reggie. He had no idea. He told me he was now handing me off to another guy who would make me an offer on the wrecked car.

Then, the Monday after the accident the insurance company (National General) called (another guy) to offer my son $1500 to settle his PIP claim. Seems like it’s a little fast, don’t you. Haven’t heard from him again. Oh, we got a letter in the mail saying he couldn’t reach us.

Bull

Sigh.

So now I’m waiting for the guy to offer me cash for my smashed car and I’m going to call the PIP dude. Dang.

All this while, I mean all of it, I’m going back and forth with the Financial Aid department at my son’s college. OMG!

When will this all stop?

I had an anxiety sort of attack and didn’t go to an appointment I needed to go to. I just couldn’t deal with any more.

Have you had a day like this lately? Oh and my service dog in training was on the high energy going bonkers side all day. She exhausted me. She figures out mental games as fast as I invent them.

It’s Thursday now. Feels like I’ve had three or four Mondays. Today I’m going to go get pictures from Walmart. I might stop by my parents to show them. The pictures are from a coffee can I have saved all the rolls of film I couldn’t afford to get developed from when the kids were little.

Memories.

The lumbar shot I had Monday seems to be helping my back. Now all the muscles that have been affected by the chronic pain… are still in chronic pain. I have a long goad ahead of me to recovery. When I have days like Wed. was, it makes it really hard to do that. My brain just hasn’t been engaging on things I want and have to do. I don’t think that helps my mood at all.

I’m depressed.

Thursday, today, will be a better day. Right?

Your friend,

Robin

Bipolar and Chronic Pain Just Plain Suck

/ Robin

Monday my Bipolar brain took a chance an had a lumbar steroid shot to attempt to relieve massive pain I’ve been experiencing for years. I respond quickly to medications and other treatments and it’s been this way with the lumbar shot. By the next morning I was experiencing muscle cramps and painful spasms. Although I wanted, in my strange way, to think something had gone wrong I decided that these things were happening because my body was moving more freely because there was less pain. Even a slightly longer reach or stretching a muscle beyond what it has been doing for the last 25 years.

The second night my back lit up. All the nerves in my lower back were on fire again. I got an ice pack and sat in my recliner (which my mother thoughtfully gifted to me) and tried to ride out the storm. No such luck. Kyle was staying up late playing a game on the X-box and for the first time he saw a little of the hell my body puts me through. I thought I could get it to calm down with the ice. No such luck. I was reclining in the chair to better freeze the painful area. I couldn’t stand it any longer and I started kicking my legs and groan with the pain.

My anxiety level was reaching critical mass and I felt I was losing control. My mind was unable to restrain or reign in my response to the pain. It was excruciating. I asked Kyle to rinse out the tub for me (Bailey, the puppy, loves to play in the tub when she’s not having a bath.). Not knowing what else to do he did so quickly. I climbed in before the water got more than a few inches deep. I sat with my back to the spigot and the water turned hot. I was so tired I kept falling asleep.

I don’t know why I didn’t use the heating pad. That’s what it’s for really. That and the big ice packs. I think when the pain becomes so great that we can no longer think clearly. Also being Bipolar I’m not always prepared for nor able to deal with such pain. I was so drowsy. I walked close to the wall so I wouldn’t fall down the stairs. Finally I realized I’d not taken anything for my back all evening because I was feeling better. I jumped the gun.

I keep a record of when and what and how much of each drug I take during the say so I don’t over or underdose. I was way under.

Today I asked Kyle if he’d ever seen me like that, in that much pain. He hadn’t. I told him how this was only some of the pain I have been in. If it had been any worse I wouldn’t have reclined my chair because I knew I would break it. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. I know he is starting to understand.

This, this is Kyle in the first grade. Today he is a sophomore at UWT (University of Washington at Tacoma)
kyle1st-grade

I’ve tried to hide my infirmities from my kids as they’ve grown up. The fits of anger and depression, the aggression and the manias… I couldn’t hide them all the time. Maybe never. I’m not sure. Today all three are remarkable individuals.

Raising them I was in constant physical and mental pain. I nearly lost myself. Today, for the first time in…. forever I put away the groceries anfter shopping and wasn’t in any pain. No pain in my physical body at all.

I had no idea how much pain I’d been in… until after some of it was gone.

It is my hope, that now that some of the chronic pain is alleviated my work to balance my mind will be more successful.

My friend, I have learned many lessons from this experience with ongoing pain. I didn’t know I was blinded by the pain. I didn’t know the pain made my mind, my Bipolar mind, more messy. If you experience other pain in your body that can be addressed, pain so great it alters your daily activities including you need to be doing with your kids. Myself… I couldn’t even stand long enough to cook. When coaching softball my pain was like a monster. I’m sure I wasn’t very effective. I cared a lot about those kids though. I just thought the pain was part of carting around sports equipment. I was wrong.

Consider your body… has it got a hold on your mind? On your Bipolar behavior?

Be well my friend.