Depression

A Huge Detail-One Face of Moodiness

/ Robin

I have moved into my room where it is cooler than the rest of the house, not to cool down, but to calm down. The cool room was just a bonus. Someone had just called and I felt that they were wrong, not I. It was something very important to me. And now it has to be put off and may not be ready for when my eldest daughter comes home on leave.

I plunged to despair and frustration with a swaggle of anxiety and frustration and went to my room to pout. To have a really good angry… pout.

I felt my old enemy rage upon me as so many times before. This time, I was almost ready. Almost. Fortunately I stopped myself before I started I started my wrecking ball at my family.

I cooled down a bit then realized I haven’t done this in several weeks. I’ve been on Neurontin and I really like what it does for me. What I don’t like is that I struggle not to fall asleep at all hours. We’ve been adjusting to this and losing all that the Neurontin benefited me. Then WHAM! I realized what was happening. I was going down the low road again. I was starting to implode again… then I realized I needed to stop. I realized that the lower dose of Neurontin (going lower and lower) was allowing me to slide. And it didn’t feel good at all.

I was crashing and I was gonna go down swinging.

Wait…. I have a few chill pills left. I took one.

And now I can write and consider a little nap before dinner to sooth my mind.

Restoring myself to equilibrium.

You know what? I’m glad I had sense enough (this time) to remove myself without any parting shots. And to use the cooler room and when being alone to realize what was happening. And sometimes, I have to tell you honestly, the truth is that sometimes, I need a little more help to “reset” myself.

I’m forever happy, that I have been able to eventually come back round to front “sort of side-wise”.

And… thank you for the little special pills. Taken with care and sparingly. But absolutely – taken.

Sadness & Our Families

/ Robin

Friday I got “good” news. I saw a neurologist and finally got to rule out any of the neurological problems that can cause facial ticks. Mine has been getting worse. Sometimes I just have to stop talking. I’ve noticed it gets worse when I’m even a little stressed… or excited. I have to stop and take a breath. It’s frustrating.

The doctor told me to talk to my mental health specialist. It’s psychological. Terrific.

It really is good news that I don’t have yet another physical problem. On the other hand it is very … depressing to find out that my brain is even more screwed up than I thought. When I say this I mean really that I have even more work controlling myself than before. Now, anyone who knows about the tick and what’s causing it (that would be me) will know that I’m stressed. How do I know that? My kids have already started doing it.

It makes a difference when there is a physical manifestation with my mental alphabet. I don’t even know how to process this.

Is it a good thing to have an obvious facial tick … the kind of thing I don’t know if I can control always … or is it bad because I know I’m mental? It’s heavy on me. Weights me down.

Families. I’m really sad about this whole thing. It “makes” me snappy at my kids. I’m hurting and they go about their lives. I guess I’ve raised them that way, to carry on. I don’t want them to be destroyed by my pain. Of course I want them to help me. Yet, I wonder what that means, really. It isn’t the kind of pain they can  slap a band-aid on like they do when I hurt myself.

I won’t say  “I feel like I’m dying inside”, because while I’m stricken with this news, I’m not so depressed that I can’t breathe. Actually, despite how horrible I feel since learning this tick is “in my mind” I’m sleeping really well. 7 – 9 hours a night all weekend. That never happens. I still feel tired though. Maybe though, maybe this is my brain’s way of saying… “Hey, now we know what the game is. We can fight back. Let’s make a plan.”

Question: Is there something you feel pressing on you like I feel about the tick? Something extra, added to your life that’s really messing with you?

It’s okay if you do. It really is.

The thing each of us needs to decide is how we decide to go forward… are we going to choose going forward? I have to decide completely how I’m going to deal with this. I can decide to fight the whole idea and let it destroy me. Or, I can let it roll over me like a wave.

I like the idea of a wave best. Absorb it. Make it part of me. Grab it and take it along for the ride. I can be more at peace rolling in the wave, than I can be when the wave inevitably comes crashing down on me.

Gonna roll.