Despair

Preparation for a Bipolar Episode

/ Robin

I wrote this a few days ago. Today, I’ve just returned from walking my wonderful dog out in the beautiful sunny day and now I’m experiencing a sudden downward swing. Time to see if I can follow my own advice…… Stay tuned….

How can I prepare how to deal with an episode when every single one is different and while in one I generally can’t control my emotions? That’s a good question.

The first thing I’ve done is to make sure I always have enough meds on hand and that the boxes I put them in are always filled. This way when I start not remembering whether or not I’ve taken them I can just look at the box. I take meds in both the morning, afternoon and the evening. I have the most trouble remembering to listen to my alarm reminding me to take my mid-day meds.

Second, I try to live in such a way as to not provoke myself into going bonkers. When I do go off my already teetering rocker I have to fall back on my intellect and take my meds when I’m supposed to. Today I went for a walk in the beautiful sunny weather. 30 minutes later I feel sad.

Third, I tell a safe person what’s happening. I don’t have friends who I can call and tell I’m cracking up. And I’m getting another new counselor (my fifth at this clinic) because this one is retiring so I’m not likely to call her. Besides, even if I did the clinic is so busy I wouldn’t be able to talk to her or get in to see her sooner. So, I can talk to my Mom although sometimes she’s part of the problem. How can I talk to her and it be helpful rather than make things worse? We have a prearranged thing where I get ahold of her and ask if she has some time to listen because I need to dump. Usually this helps take some off the top and I know someone knows I’m having a hard time and that she’ll keep in closer contact with me without bugging me to death.

My three kids are my other safe people. They are all old enough to help walk with me while I’m in a “state”. We talk and they talk back. I usually let them talk to me rather than making them just listen. They usually have good ideas. Mostly, they don’t let me wallow in my own mental and emotional pool of piddle. Sometimes they bully me and sometimes that’s what I need.

Fourth, I give myself some space. I give myself permission to be who I am and accept that I have these times I go through and I also remind myself, if I can, that it will pass. It always passes.

Fifth, I never put myself in a situation where I can injure myself if things really go south. So, no guns or extra meds in the house. I may even have one of my safe people come over and watch me fill my pill boxes. Sometimes I’ll even have them pick up something from the pharmacy for me. They know when I’m depressed, it’s sometimes hard to get myself to do that.

I’m sure there are more but that’s what I can think of for now. I need to call my daughter. Maybe asking about her day will help me be lifted up a bit.

Uniquely Bipolar Me

/ Robin

[I’m putting this in “I” language, but I mean you too.]

For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.
TS Eliot,  Bipolar Disorder

Simply put we don’t really know what causes bipolar, but current science guesses that Bipolar Disorder is caused by a chemical, a biological imbalance in my brain. Every person has a unique brain, but my bipolar brain came with some even more unusual stuff going on. I don’t have a “normal” brain. My brain has been kissed by the divine. (Wouldn’t that be cool!)

There has never been anyone like me and there never will be again. I are uniquely unique. I am special and have extra possibilities to achieve great things. (Delusions of grandeur? I don’t think so. If you google “famous people with bipolar disorder” you will be surprised by the number of people who had/have it.)  All the struggles I have gone through to get to this point have been different than the ones most people go through because of my bipolar. I am a different person than I would be than if I didn’t have bipolar. There is nothing I can do to change this. I will always have a special brain.

All the struggles I have gone through to get to this point have been extraordinary. I can’t help consider it now I wonder what I would be like and how my life would be different if I had not had this disability. But, that’s not how things worked out for me. There is really no point in wishing for a “better” life than I have. That might actually trigger an episode. I’d rather not do that. I have enough stresses in my life right now, I don’t need to add to the list.

My struggles have made me who I am today and now that I’m here I choose to go forward and live my best life. What does that mean and how do I do it? I’m going to spend some time over the next little while exploring these things and share with you my journey as I go through it.

Moving forward is pretty easy to spell out. I must not pretend that I’m normal while I’m in a pretty semi-stable state. I must try to grow and become a better person… to mature, while I have control over my emotional faculties. I am spending time preparing ways to deal with myself when I have an episode. I don’t want to get caught without a plan to fall back on. I know that may sound ridiculous, how can I prepare how to deal with an episode when every single one is different and while in one I generally can’t control my emotions? That’s a good question. I’ll tell you about it next time.  ;0)

I read books on self-improvement and try to learn new things that will help me in my personal and professional life. I try to connect with people who I would avoid when I’m depressed. And I try really hard to relax and have fun!

References:
Causes of bipolar
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/basics/causes/con-20027544
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml
http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/bipolardisorder/causes.cfm

 

Petiete Confessions: A Humorour Memoirette

/ Robin

Review: Petiete Confessions:
A Humorour Memoirette with Sassy Drink Recipes

By Viki Lesage. (I read the Kindle version. The Kindle version is free right now.)

Amazon rates this #1 in humor and #1 in bartending. Is it funny enough to make me laugh out loud and to do so more than once? Was it able to make my manic brain slow down long enough to finish it? The answer is Yes! I finished the whole thing in two sittings.

I’ve been looking for something to make me smile or otherwise engage my emotions in a positive manner for some time now. Mostly I’ve been looking for some good poetry that stirs that something inside my super charged emotional center. I’m not into poetry per se, but as a result of the Creative Writing Class I just took I’m willing to look around and see what’s out there.

Now, as for funny, did Petiete make me laugh? Yes! Not hysterically from beginning to end, but I smiled and grinned and did indeed laugh. Was it humorous enough for me to invest in reading another book in the series? Sure. Are you curious how drink recipes are mixed with humor? Easy, she writes a chapter then ends it with a sassy drink recipe. Wanna know what a “sassy” drink recipe is? Get the book. I can’t give away everything. If I could drink (I don’t mix my meds with alcohol) I would look forward to trying them. If I found they were good I might even consider working my way through the whole book just for fun!

If you’re looking for something refreshing and a little different than you usually read give it a whirl. It doesn’t take too long to read. If you’re depressed and are looking for something to pull you up I’m not sure this would do it for you. You probably need to keep taking your meds or have them adjusted and talk to your counselor. If you’re looking for a book to pull you out of the funk of depression or mellow you down from a manic high this isn’t the book for you. But, if you are someplace in between the two extremes this might just be the tickle for your giggle. Check it out!

 

The Word at My Fingertips

/ Robin

I’ve been despairing that not attending classes this quarter will drop me down the chute to the hell that is a bipolar episode. One day to the next I’ve been wavering this way and that trying to decide how I will handle this free time. We have some family issues going on that take time, but I still have all 24 hours of each day inside of my own head.

I love to read.

I love to write.

I have abundant time to do both right now so the logical thing would be for me to do them. Right? Maybe. It depends on the mood I woke up in and what I can do to improve it if it needs improving upon. Today, it doesn’t need improving. I’m in a good mood and even spent some time at my Mom’s house when my brother Tony took her lunch. He gets together with her once a week for lunch or something else. Kyle and I took Bailey over to play with Cricket, Mom’s Jack Russel Terrier. We had a nice time. I stayed calm the whole time. I even had some fun.

I’ve been surfing the web looking for news websites I could visit regularly to get ideas for stories for about a week now. So far I’m less than enthused. I don’t really want to buy a subscription to the New York Times for the web and tablet spring special price of $2.50 a week (going back to $5.00 a week when the promotion is over).

I clicked here and I clicked there and I finally ended up someplace interesting. I found an article “The Secret You Need to Know About Ebooks” on The Book Insider website. It had a link to one of those sites where you can find actual really good books for free or really cheap. A lot of books. I typically ignore sites like this but I surprised myself this time and signed up. Then I checked some boxes saying what I was interested in and Shaazzam! FREE BOOKS. Books I’ll actually read them. Maybe. It depends on how manic I become.

After spending about an hour carefully selecting books to “read” because we all know I’ll read them all, I experienced a feeling. I felt like I’d found something I was looking for.

Words. We all use them. Some of us use them for good and some for bad but we all use them. Now I have a wealth of books to read and learn from. Books to consider and be instructed in the fine art of writing by. And, probably some books I’ll just delete and not waste my time with. Nevertheless, I have books.

I’ve been reading a substantial amount over the last week or so and I was starting to tire of it, which is bad. Then I found all these free and low cost books and the manic bit of myself was awakened. I like it when it is awake. It feels good. I can do amazing things when I’m a bit manic. The trick is to not let it take me over.

The plan, if it can be said to be a plan, is to read and write and be as productive as I can for as long as I can. It will stop, this manic touch. The question is will I be in a good place when it does.

In the meantime let’s load these ponies up in the truck and see how far we can take them.

It’s exciting to be a bit manic! Let’s just hope I can keep it under control.

Now that’s a silly thing to say if I ever heard one.