Back to School

/ Robin

Since my last post about 9 months ago I’ve gone back to school. I’m going to the University of Washington in Tacoma and am looking forward to applying to the Creative Writing degree program.

My Bipolar Disorder seems to be agreeing with me at the moment. We recently added a chill pill to the mix and that settled my excessive anxiety nicely. I can actually function and do my homework. Before I started taking it everyday doing homework was a nightmare. So was in class work too for that matter.

The lesson: if I need extra help (like more medication or changing medication) I need to speak up and make my needs known.

Bipolar – Catastrophizing

/ Robin

Catastrophizing is something I’m very good at. It paralyzes me painfully and damages my daily life. I’m aware of the problem and some of how it affects me. I’m not yet good at reversing it or ignoring it or even of not doing it in the first place.

Catastrophizing is the habit of automatically assuming that everything is going to go to hell and acting accordingly. It is assuming that problems will always end badly. Assumptions and conclusions are magnified well beyond what is reasonable.

We catastrophize when we predict that everything will have a negative outcome; it is jumping to the conclusion where a negative outcome is always inevitable. When I catastrophize I lock myself into helplessness. I ruminate over my imagined trouble and I become hopeless. I catastrophize, and then immediately magnify everything.

Ruminate – Helpless – Magnify

My youngest daughter is going to be 18 June 23rd. She and her best friend have decided to move into a room in a duplex now instead of waiting until fall when school starts. I’ve been catastrophizing nearly nonstop. Over what? Mostly over their not being able to afford it. I can’t help them if they run out of money.

Ok, let’s say they can afford rent, what about food and other costs of living? Neither girl is working full-time. The friend is working part-time, but my daughter isn’t even working 15 hours a week. I’m in a panic over the whole thing. My daughter assures me that her average of 2 hours Tuesday thru Friday is going to increase. As a matter of fact, she says, she’s being trained every day to work in the lab. (She works in a dental office.) My opinion is that you should not count on money you don’t already have. I think they should wait until they know how much she will be making… for real.

I imagine that the girls believe they won’t run across a deal like this again, and maybe they wouldn’t. But that doesn’t mean they can afford it. I see a eating a lot of noodles in the future. (This also worries me because my daughter is skinny and can’t afford to lose any weight. This has been a problem for years.)

Money for school in the fall will be disbursed at the end of September for student housing. That’s a long time to wait to have more money for housing.

Am I catastrophizing  ? Or am I being cautious? And… how is my Bipolar affecting my thoughts and feelings?

ADHD with James Patterson

/ Robin / 1 Comment

My kids don’t understand this… maybe you won’t either, but when I read or watch stories that contain horrible violence I feel violated. I think that’s the right word to describe it. They say that we like to watch (read) shows that scare us because we feel empathy for the characters. I think of my extreme emotions like they as though they are violent; they visit violence upon my soul, my spirit. When I read a horrific passage in a book I want to stop reading it. This is what happened when I was reading James Patterson’s novel Private Down Under.

My brain is divided on the subject of his novels. I love the very very fast pace they fly at. I have a hard time stomaching the violence especially that done to women.

Yes, it’s a page turner and I wanted to know what happened to the characters, but I also didn’t want to watch. I finished the book in two days which for me is amazing considering I’m ADHD and it isn’t all that under control. In five minutes I can cover as many topics. It doesn’t help me get things done. For example writing is very difficult for me to do. I can hardly control my thoughts long enough to write something that makes sense.

Back to the book. It really is a pretty good book. I felt like I was lost here and there. I think this might have happened because of the way it’s written. The chapters average about a page and a half. The action is fast paced. All the good guys (especially the gals) are unnaturally beautiful.

That’s about all my brain can bring you right now. I’d give the book a 7 out of 10.

Bipolar Happy – ADHD and Ritalin

/ Robin

I’ve been on Ritalin for several months and I have to say that I’ve really noticed my ability to concentrate has increased. But not enough. I’ve been having trouble driving and reading for example. My med provider and I decided to increase my dose of Ritalin to double what it was in the morning and continuing my normal dose in the afternoon. Wow! I think we’re close to fixing these particular problems.

I’ve always considered myself a reader. I was. I read all the time. Then, I couldn’t. I was lucky to read two pages at a one sitting. Also my driving was getting dangerous and I didn’t understand why. My med provider told me that ADHD can cause great difficulties driving. I hadn’t thought about that.

Now, with my new and improved doses of Ritalin I’m reading my Scientific America MIND magazine from front to back in one sitting and am driving with renewed confidence. I love to drive again.

When I first tried Ritalin I could tell it was making a huge difference in my ability to concentrate, but now I can see it just wasn’t enough.

Today I’m reading my Saturday away and I’m very happy about it. Very happy.