I think that sometimes it’s good to take stock of how I’m doing (okay, daily) so I know what I can handle and what I can reasonably expect from myself. For example I’m currently having an episode. It’s been going on for some weeks now. It could best be described as a mixed state with rapid cycling. Oh, and I’m Bipolar 1, just so you have a clearer picture of me. This is the fourth night in a row I haven’t been able to sleep before 2 a.m. Normally, when I’m not having an episode, I drop right off when I lay down at 10 or 11 p.m. I’m frustrated.

I’ve tried my sleeping pills. I’ve stopped having caffeine earlier in the day. I’ve been making certain I’m taking my Ritalin early enough that it doesn’t interfere with my sleep. I’ve been walking more regularly and working my dog. She’s learned three new tricks this week. I’ve been doing my homework and cleaning house. I’ve been planning my website and registered with the Amazon Associates program. In short, I’m manic… part of the time.

Then I’m depressed. I start arguing with my mom. (Yes, I’m 53 and still call her “mom.”)

I can’t quite keep the mania going long enough to finish anything before the depression slides back in and everything comes crashing to a halt. And I forget, that I’m having an episode. A mixed-rapidly-cycling episode. If I could just remember that when I flip back to manic instead of laying here frustrated I could get up, like I just did, and get to work till my mind calms down and I can finally sleep.

If you’re reading this and you don’t understand, that’s okay. It just means we’re different. If you can identify take heart, you’re not alone. And if you’re depressed or manic hold on, I’m those too, stick around. We have things to talk about.

1. February 29th: the extra day added to the Julian calendar every fourth year (except those evenly divisible by 400) to compensate for the approximately six hours a year by which the common year of 365 days falls short of the solar year.

I’m missing something deep inside that connects my emotions up with my brain. It leaves me feeling empty and cold. I’ve got to find a way to feel alive again. I’m missing me some mania! And that’s the truth.

Yesterday I had a surge of mental energy that I’ve not felt in quite some time. It felt fantastic. I wanted the day to go on all night. But, eventually, it got dark and my body’s natural clock told me it was time to slow down and get ready for bed.

I miss the manic, the semi-controlled mania of not quite out-of-control-full-blown manic panic. My goal, is to get so excited about something that I’ll feel that way all the time. By something I mean my life’s passion, in this case, hopefully something that will pay the bills too. How cool will it be to have the things I’m most passionate about be the thing I get to do everyday and not feel guilty about. I think I’m getting close to achieving that understanding that goal, that passion. Now to put it into practice.

So I’m down off my surge of yesterday. I had classes today. I’m in the undergraduate program at the University of Washington Tacoma. I had a hard time in both classes. My first class doesn’t really engage me and in my second class I read the article we talked about nearly a week before class the first time I read it and when she asked if we had any questions about it all I could remember was that I didn’t understand all of it. I knew she’d ask exactly what I didn’t understand and she did. I did my best to explain, flipping through the pages and looking at what I’d underlined.

The second class, the one I had to do the reading for, is Creative Non Fiction with Abby Murray. I’m really enjoying the class and the unique style in which she’s teaching it. I’d blow a gasket if she just told me to turn in three poems and turned me loose. Instead she’s trying to get us engaged before she turns us loose. She tries to “prime the pump” as it were. She gives us a writing prompt in class and we spend some time writing right then and there. Then we talk about it and sometimes share what we’ve written. I don’t feel like I did very well tonight. Metaphors and similes… yikes!

I really want to write one about Caitlyn Jenner. How funny is that? We read one about Lana turner last quarter in another class. It was kind of fun. I want to see if I can pull that off with Jenner and her authenticity. I’m fascinated by her and what she’s doing. I’ll explain more about that later.