Growing Up

My son is my last child at home. He recently turned 21. He has his first girlfriend and a job and a car. I’ve been waiting for him to say he’s going to move into a house with some of his friends. This morning (Monday), before he went to work, he did just that. “What do you think mom?” He asked. What was I supposed to say? I knew it was coming. I just wish it hadn’t. I haven’t lived alone since 1986.

I’m looking for a house to buy. Since I’m on disability and without an income other than what I get from the government my mother is helping me with the financing. I’m hoping my son will stay with me until I move. There are two reasons for this. First, I need his help throwing stuff out. I make a small pile every day to go to the dumpster and he takes it out for me. I need his muscles. Second, I feel like it will be easier for me to be alone in a smaller house that I can take care of things myself in. Here I have to go up or down two sets of stairs with groceries. He usually does that for me. There are a lot of reasons I want him to wait, but let’s be honest… I’ll miss him and feel like I need his support with this whole moving situation (mine and his).

I don’t know what will end up happening, but it will be a challenge. It scares me.

School – Finishing the Quarter

So I’ve survived the quarter. Okay, I have one more week of my online class then I’m done. I have to say that the most difficult class I took was also my favorite one: Introduction to Creative Writing (at the University of Washington Tacoma with Professor Abby Murray). It pushed me the most intellectually and on a personal level as a person with Bipolar. I always remember that I’m a student, but I have Bipolar and ADHD (I’m officially Disabled) and I need to take care of myself with regards to those. If my disability gets out of control I can’t function as a student. So, I try to really be balanced and pace myself. This quarter went much better than last quarter. I’m not sure why it has been easier. Maybe it’s because I’m getting used to going to school again. I don’t know. I know I’m very glad it has been easier because if it had been as hard as last quarter I probably wouldn’t have continued on.

Now I have to decide what I’m going to do about next quarter. Circumstances may come about that will put so much pressure and stress on me that it might be best not to attend school spring quarter and start back in the autumn quarter. I’m not sure what I’ll do right now. I really want to take Creative Nonfiction from the same writing professor I had this quarter next quarter. That would be so cool. She is very energetic and an excellent teacher. She makes you want to learn what she’s teaching just because of how much she loves teaching it. It’s a plus that she’s actually also a great teacher.

For now, I’ll have to wait and see how things play out in my personal life, meet with my counselor and talk with my family and then make an informed decision. Of course, even an informed decision will be me guessing what the best thing to do is but what’s a girl gonna do?

Trump Commentary

I’ve never made any kind of political comment on FB before and I’m saddened that I feel I should do so now. I cannot in good conscience ignore the fact that white supremacists have embraced Trump as their candidate. Now that he knows who they are, he didn’t initially, he says he disavows them. They don’t mind. They think he doesn’t mean it. What really scares me is that the white supremacists have so easily slid in with the rest of Trump supporters. I don’t condemn Trump supporters, but I do urge them to consider who they share the couch with. Does Trump really preach that much of what the white supremacists believe? Who am I hoping to vote for? I don’t know. I’m not sure any of the candidates can be the leader that we need.

Read this article at Huffington Post that prompted me to write this: An Open Letter To Non-Racist Donald Trump Supporters

Friends

If you were here the other day you might remember I suggested that you get out and do something the way I’ve gone back to college.

You don’t have to go to college. That’s a big commitment that I recommend to only a few, but you can do other things. Join a bowling league or volunteer some place in your community. Take an art class or even teach one. Visit your neighbors and family more often. Start a small group of friends that meets together regularly to play cards or go out to dinner or the movies. Do something. I can’t stress how important this is. Why am I urging you to put yourself out there? There are a few reasons but the one I want to focus on today is people.

One of the things I’ve learned in my psychology class (and I’ve always known this) is that people need each other. We need someone to talk to. Even if we have a single good friend or are close to a family member… we need other people in our lives.

If you’re like me when you’re depressed you tend to isolate yourself from everyone. This is just one really good reason why it is important to grow our relationships when we’re doing better. We need these relationships in place and secure before we have our next flip out.

Now I’m not suggesting that you use this person must be your emergency person and that you lean on them, and depend on them like a lifeline. Although that may be what your relationship is like. I’m talking about having real people in your life to meet your real life and every day relationship needs. We live longer and are happier when we have people we care about in our lives. It’s really true.

I’ve been spending time trying to cultivate relationships with some of my closer family members and a friend I’ve had for many years. I’ve also been trying to reach out online to meet people and try to develop some new friendships here. The friend I’m closest to I met online over 15 years ago and I cherish her friendship even today. She knows more about me and my “conditions” than my family members do.

It takes time and patience. Lots of time. Right now I’m blogging more and reading other people’s blogs and trying to see if I connect with anyone. And there’s a local writer’s group that gets together to write at the local library every few weeks that I’ve been trying to go to. I keep missing that opportunity. There is a meeting this Sunday but I’m working on finals and a big portfolio that’s all due next week so I can’t make this particular meeting. But you know what? They’ll have another one and one of these days it will work out and I’ll get my scared little butt over there and meet some new people.

My point is just this… we each need to have other people in our lives. It’s how we’re made. If we want to be healthy and have a better chance of surviving the days when the depression is smothering us or the mania has got us doing a fire walk then having friends is really important. If we have friends who care about us and whom we care about we have a better chance of being stable too.

Give it a try. You could even write to me. I’ll write back. No promises on being besties, but I’ll write back. Or, you could write a note to some other blogger you particularly enjoy. Tell them how what they write makes you feel or just say thanks. Strike up a conversation. You’ll never know until you try.

Why I’ve Gone Back to College at 53

This last fall (September 2015) I started classes full time at the University of Washington Tacoma taking a full load. This is something of a miracle because I live with Bipolar 1, PTSD, ADHD, and a healthy dose of anxiety. Lots of anxiety. You might think going back to school, and being around all those people, and having to get up when I’m depressed, and write papers when I’m depressed, stressed, manic and full of anxiety is a pretty fool-hearted thing to do. It may be. It certainly hasn’t been easy. I admit it probably triggered the episode I’m riding out right now. But still, here I am. I made Dean’s List (I got good grades) last quarter.

I’m here because I have been being a no one. I’ve had nothing to do and not a thing to contribute to society. I’m here because my brain needed a jumpstart. And, I’m here to learn to do the things I need to know in order to reach some of my goals.

How’ve I been doing? I’ve had melt downs. I skipped classes once last quarter. I’ve freaked out over writing papers (It was about 30 years ago that I wrote my last paper.) Every week brings new challenges and triumphs. Yes, I’ve had some triumphs along with my bumps and bruises. I’ve been terrified a lot. Even the drive to and from and parking make me anxious. I leave an hour and a half before class so I’m never late and always have a place to park. (It’s how I cope.)

I’ve gone into this with my eyes open and done all I can do to prepare. I’ve registered with the Disability Services office because I’m legally disabled and I need to be able to tap their help when I need it (like having longer to take a test) and I do. Near the end of last quarter I had a meltdown that sent me to my doctor who put me on a chill pill. It was like magic. I could calm down and think. I was able to finish the quarter actually have finished writing the papers and remembered to turn them in. (This was the chill Pill I mentioned a few days ago.)

What am I getting out of this? As I’ve said I needed a jolt to my brain. I’ve always fancied myself a communicator and I’d lost my ability to do that. I had even stopped my sloppy blogging.

I took a huge risk. I’m still taking that risk and it is paying off. I’m being challenged to think in ways I haven’t thought in years. I feel smarter though in all probability it’s just the cobwebs coming lose. I’m also driving some of my classmates nutty by asking them questions that any Freshman should know. But I’m a transfer student and I’ve forgotten all that Freshman stuff. Plus, now we use technology and not paper and pencil. I’ve had a lot to learn even with the basics like how to turn in an assignment online. Not everyone is patient and willing to answer these kinds of questions.

If you’ve been thinking of challenging yourself and reaching outside of your comfort zone I encourage you to try it. You can always go home and refuse to leave again. Or, maybe you’ll like the way that it makes you feel.