Manic Temper

/ Robin

Now I remember why I’m single. I’m angry. I’m pretty angry. I don’t like being angry.

I don’t want to be a clingy mother. I’d like to have a smooth transition to my son moving out. However, I expected my son to be here at 7 last night to finish filling up the dumpster before the neighbors did and he didn’t show and he didn’t call. He gave me his word he’d be home before 7, but and he got home around 9 I was pissed. By 9 it was dark and the neighbors had already filled the dumpster up the rest of the way. I really expected him to show up when he said he was going to be here. His excuse, which he gave me at 9:15, was that they were stuck in the fast food line. Freaking call me! His girlfriend would be upset with him if she knew he was breaking his word to me. It’s not okay with her for him to disrespect me.

Okay, he’s 21 and will be moving out in a few months. Does it matter? Not to me. He actually gave me his word that he’d be back before 7. It was important to me also because he’s had a habit lately of not showing up when he says he’s coming home. Like last weekend, he was supposed to be home early Saturday morning to help me clean out the garage and put it in the dumpster (getting ready to move) and then we were going to take his girlfriend and her dog Goofy and my dog Bailey and go to the park for a walk. By afternoon not only hadn’t we talked about when we were going to meet at the park, I hadn’t heard from him at all. He didn’t answer his phone, neither texts nor voice.

I’m feeling feelings I’ve not had in a while and I don’t like it. Last night I wanted to be destructive and explain loudly with slammed doors for punctuation why I was so angry. I didn’t ask for much. Be home when you say you will. Didn’t happen.

I’m happy single. Sure I miss the companionship sometimes. But I don’t miss the opportunities for anger.

Think I’m over reacting and having a bipolar moment? I’m human, just like you and I’m just having normal feelings of disappointment with someone I trust breaking their word to me, yet again. Last night we talked it over and he apologized. I think he understands. I think he does. He said he did. This morning I’m still having some residual feelings of irritation.

I find that even though my kids are all grown up now (ages 25, 21 and 18) I still expect them to behave the way I raised them. One of the things I taught them was to keep their word. I’d like to think that as their mom they’d treat me especially well.

Time will tell. I’m still feeling annoyed, but I forgive him.

The Word at My Fingertips

/ Robin

I’ve been despairing that not attending classes this quarter will drop me down the chute to the hell that is a bipolar episode. One day to the next I’ve been wavering this way and that trying to decide how I will handle this free time. We have some family issues going on that take time, but I still have all 24 hours of each day inside of my own head.

I love to read.

I love to write.

I have abundant time to do both right now so the logical thing would be for me to do them. Right? Maybe. It depends on the mood I woke up in and what I can do to improve it if it needs improving upon. Today, it doesn’t need improving. I’m in a good mood and even spent some time at my Mom’s house when my brother Tony took her lunch. He gets together with her once a week for lunch or something else. Kyle and I took Bailey over to play with Cricket, Mom’s Jack Russel Terrier. We had a nice time. I stayed calm the whole time. I even had some fun.

I’ve been surfing the web looking for news websites I could visit regularly to get ideas for stories for about a week now. So far I’m less than enthused. I don’t really want to buy a subscription to the New York Times for the web and tablet spring special price of $2.50 a week (going back to $5.00 a week when the promotion is over).

I clicked here and I clicked there and I finally ended up someplace interesting. I found an article “The Secret You Need to Know About Ebooks” on The Book Insider website. It had a link to one of those sites where you can find actual really good books for free or really cheap. A lot of books. I typically ignore sites like this but I surprised myself this time and signed up. Then I checked some boxes saying what I was interested in and Shaazzam! FREE BOOKS. Books I’ll actually read them. Maybe. It depends on how manic I become.

After spending about an hour carefully selecting books to “read” because we all know I’ll read them all, I experienced a feeling. I felt like I’d found something I was looking for.

Words. We all use them. Some of us use them for good and some for bad but we all use them. Now I have a wealth of books to read and learn from. Books to consider and be instructed in the fine art of writing by. And, probably some books I’ll just delete and not waste my time with. Nevertheless, I have books.

I’ve been reading a substantial amount over the last week or so and I was starting to tire of it, which is bad. Then I found all these free and low cost books and the manic bit of myself was awakened. I like it when it is awake. It feels good. I can do amazing things when I’m a bit manic. The trick is to not let it take me over.

The plan, if it can be said to be a plan, is to read and write and be as productive as I can for as long as I can. It will stop, this manic touch. The question is will I be in a good place when it does.

In the meantime let’s load these ponies up in the truck and see how far we can take them.

It’s exciting to be a bit manic! Let’s just hope I can keep it under control.

Now that’s a silly thing to say if I ever heard one.

Garbage

/ Robin

Kyle and his girlfriend Melanie and both our dogs were out at the park walking and visiting and we talked about Jen (next door neighbor in the duplex) for a few minutes then moved into talking to the more pertinent issue of the garbage dumpster. Kyle and I have an agreement. I fill a box up with trash everyday so I can get ready to move and he takes it to the dumpster when he gets home from work or first thing in the morning. He spent quite a bit of time at work or at Melanie’s house this week so he hasn’t been around to take the trash out.

Now I have to tell you about our dumpster. It lives right in front of our part of the duplex. We’re the very first domicile on our private road. All the houses on our road use this dumpster. I have never seen so few people put so much garbage out at one time. Okay, maybe I’m wrong about that. I’m sure there aren’t too many studies done of watching who throws away what and how much. My spot in the living room is right in the corner where when I look outside I see the yard and the dumpster. Day before yesterday I watched a couple back their very familiar truck up to the dumpster, flip both lids open on the dumpster and start emptying the contents of the bed of their truck. It isn’t even summer yet and still, they’re already throwing away more liquor bottles than the local bar does. On top of that they put a bunch of that black PVC tubing that was loosely wound in. I fumed a bit that Kyle wasn’t home still to take my trash out. I was running out of places to stack garbage in the livingroom.

Then Jen cleaned out her garage and filled up the other side half way at least. I don’t know where she gets stuff to throw away from every spring. Every single spring since we’ve lived here she’s bitched and moaned about how much stuff she has to clean out of her garage. There wasn’t that much, but it did fill the dumpster nearly half full on that side. I watched with dismay as my dumpster quickly filled to the top. The right hand side wasn’t even closing all the way now.

We have some new neighbors, whom I’ve not met, that live in the left hand side of the duplex next to ours. They, brought out a huge roll of carpet and filled up the second side of the dumpster. Now both ….. Wait a minute, someone else has crammed more on top of the already full dumpster. Shit. Now we have to wait for the garbage truck to come on Tuesday. I’ll tell you what, I’m going to have a huge pile ready to fill it up myself this time.

Isn’t it funny how we jockey for position in the dumpster. I know the neighbors do it too. Some Tuesdays as soon as the dump truck comes and empties out the trash … oh you are kidding me. Someone is trying to put more garbage in. He’s over there jamming three more white trash bags on top. Good heavens. What did everyone decide to take out their trash on Sunday this week? It’s a good thing I don’t have any smelly trash to take out.

Well, the dumpster is now much fuller than it was yesterday while I was at the park with the kids. Kyle spent all of his time off of work Friday evening and Saturday at Melanie’s so he wasn’t around to take out the garbage I’d prepared for him Thursday.

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Probably not. After all, when the crows start ripping it all apart it is my yard it all goes in. And, I have piles of trash all over the house too.

You know what this reminds me of?

I dunno.

I was hoping you did.

I’ve got my website up and am working on putting content in it. If you drop by let me know what you think. The Etiquette of Madness.

Changes and Triggers

/ Robin

By now I know that major changes in my life can trigger an episode. This is true for everyone who suffers from Bipolar Disorder. Last September I went to Florida to see my daughter for ten days. We spent nearly every day at one of the amusement parks. That plus the flights there and back were major stressors for me. Then just a few days after I got back, I started back to school at the University of Washington at Tacoma. That was another even bigger stressor. I admit, I didn’t do great dealing with the overload and eventually had to start on a chill pill so I could get back to where I could function.

Now I’m taking spring quarter off from school (another stressor) and am looking for a small house to buy closer to town (yet another stressor). I’m hoping that my son will move out when I move (stressor) so that I can just get it all over with at one time.

I’ve been reading one the books on my “Books” page called “The Bipolar Survival Guide” and it reminded me that these types of stressors can lead to episodes. I’ve not only got one stressor, but since my dad passed last year in January it’s been nonstop stress.

How am I doing? I’m listening to my dog and playing more and taking her to the park to walk her with my son, his girlfriend and her dog. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating okay. I’m trying to eat better. I’m taking my meds on schedule. I’m not doing my usual occasional night of skipping my meds for a night just because I can, because that’s a stupid and risky thing to do. I have some wine in the refrigerator that I will be getting rid of. No more alcohol. I have enough stressors and triggers tapping on my “overload’ button without me purposefully adding more.

How am I doing right now? I want some of that Hersey chocolate frozen pie stuff, that’s how I’m doing.

I really wish I had some!

So now begins the time when I have enough time to realize how stressed I am and actually act stressed. I’m not looking forward to having free time. How’s that for weird?