Bipolar – Stress is Killing Me

/ Robin

I am a stress junkie. I live in a perpetual state of messy stress. I am Stress.

I’ve developed a muscular tick, especially in my jaw muscles, that causes my muscles to hysterically violently spasm. I know this probably sounds strange, but I’ve got this amazing “tick” in my face that sometimes causes my jaw to clench so violently and my tongue to jerk around that I can’t speak. At first it seems I studer. But that’s only at the beginning.

We were hanging out at my mom’s house today and while I was speaking with my brother I continued the tick that was already forcing me to stop talking and clench my teeth together and giving me a headache I completely drowned in a sea of cascading ticks. I could hardly breathe. The “stammering” continued to get worse. I felt panic rising. My daughter told me to stop trying to talk. Let it go. Be silent.

I have been to my doctor, my med provider, my counselor, my neurologist to see what is causing this horrible thing. I won’t bore you with all the things we talked about or the exams I had, but I will tell you what seems to be the cause… Stress. It’s in my head. Seriously. I’m finally able to admit it really is in my head. That’s the place I have to deal with it… in my head, my brain.

As long as I can remember my muscles have been tight and hard as a rock. Stress is doing that to me. Always has. I have to stop it. I’m getting angry even thinking about it right now. The anger is so easy to feel when I’m unable to stop the ticking, even with my jaw firmly shut. I want it to stop and it isn’t stopping. It’s making me more angry and at the same time I’m becoming more depressed about it. Stress.

Imagine being Bipolar and having such a high level of stress that while the violence of depression and mania are being mostly controlled at this moment by medications I cannot control my stress. Yes, stress is making it easier to slip into depression, but I’m not able to control it and I can’t help myself.

After searching my life and things I could do now I was unable to find anything to help me. Maybe. A year or so ago I learned about this thing called “neuroplasticity”. Basically (the bit relevant to me I think… thought) neuroplasticity is remapping my brain, physically changing it, through something called “mindfulness”. I’m not going to explain what it is now. I encourage you to learn about it yourself. (Follow the links at the bottom of this message to learn more.)

Over the next 8 weeks I’m going to engage in a program developed by the University of Massachusetts called “Mindful Based, Stress, Relief” or MBSR. The workshop presents material that is real world science based. Lives have been, will be and are being changed by MBSR.

Why am I doing this? Because I can’t stand the tick anymore and there is no medical reason for me to have it. I do have Stress. I am Stress. What am I stressed about? I’ve no idea. I can be at home alone and my face will spasm and I’ll bite my tongue or my arm will jerk and my soup will fly with the greatest of ease across the counter. In fact, it did the other day. It’s making my face dance in an absurd parody of calm. My cheeks and tongue are twitching as well as my arms and legs even as I write this.

Stress. Being Bipolar and being Stress is a messy combination, physically and mentally. It seems to me that a science based program that reduces stress is worth giving a try. As the saying goes… It can’t hurt. Right now this spasming is hurting. Hurting a lot.

I’ll try to keep you posted on how I progress and hopefully experience relief from my stress. You probably know how Bipolar is… sometimes you can write and sometimes you just can’t. I’ll do my best. Consider me a lab rat that is exploring a serious way to deal with my stress, depression, anxiety, and a mass of physical and mental problems I have.

I need to heal. I need to be able to talk and eat, to write and relax. (Ouch! Sorry. Bit my tongue again.)

I need to reduce my stress. I think that’s the key.

Stress. I must master it and all the aliments that can come with it before it drives me crazier and hurts me physically. MBSR. Check out these videos. They’re short. They’ll explain what I couldn’t talk long enough to explain to my brother what is. Tick. Spasm. Tick. One after the other endlessly crushing me.

Seriously, watch one or two videos. At the very least they might give you insight into me. You read what I’ve typed, now watch something I’ve watched and learned from. Get to know me a bit more. It couldn’t hurt.

What is Mindfulness?
Mindfulness – Liberation from Suffering
TEDxBoulder – Mindfulness and Healing

If you’re curious the program I’m doing is here: MBSR

Bipolar – Should I Go Back to College?

/ Robin

So…. I’ve applied and been accepted at the UWT (University of Washington at Tacoma). If I get all the funding I need I’m considering going back to college full-time.

Now, is this a good idea? I would be pursuing a Bachelors in Creative Writing (which would probably help the quality of my writing in my blogs). Is my Bipolar so disabling that I should not go?

Could I keep my wits about me? I did when I was younger. I loved school. I love to learn. I really love to learn. I wouldn’t be going just to go, I have a specific reason for going. I want to write better and it would be nice to put that BA after my name, especially when I’m doing specific, serious writing. It might lend a little credibility to my name when I’m publishing books and such. (Sometimes I feel like I’ll never finish the book I’m working on.)

I’m wondering if I will still be sane if I try to pull off doing MORE. I do my best (or used to anyway) under pressure. Going back to college would definitely do that. I’ve got several other projects I’m working on. Will it take away too much time from them? Or would the added work press me to finish faster? I think either is possible.

My youngest daughter, Sydney, has mono right now. She’s had some serious pain with it which has been lousy. I took her to the ER the other night for pain in her spleen and totally missed my nighttime meds. Earlier in the week I had decided to be rebellious and I didn’t take my nighttime meds. That’s twice this week. And I’ve been getting up late and that’s put off my morning meds from being taken at regular times. The result… I reacted… no I OVER reacted to the kids and became very very angry about nothing. Seriously, I don’t even recall what it was.

If missing my meds twice in one week and the stress from my daughter being sick (I don’t think I’ve properly grieved my father’s passing yet either.) allowed me to flip out, what will happen if I have extra stress (mentally, emotionally and physically too. I’ll be much tireder as well with the demand on me to drive 45 minutes to school and back for classes).

Will it be too much for me?

Then there is the consideration of needing to have time to see my med provider and my pain management person when I need to. They aren’t in the same town. School is in Tacoma while both appointments are in Puyallup and there isn’t a short and easy way to get from one to the other.

Will I eat better or worse? What about Bailey? (the puppy)

There is so much to consider.

At the moment I shall go forward with attending school in the fall. I will also be prepared not to go. This way I’ll be emotionally ready for either option.

Oh, and my counselor, the fourth and I think finally the best, at the facility I go to is out indefinitely for medical reasons. Terrific. I wish her all the best and hope she will be well. I will also miss her. In the meantime they have me seeing a peer counselor each week. It’s nice to have someone to talk to, but she’s not a counselor.

Here I am. Thinking about putting myself into a stressful situation again. But you know, it might be better for me than being at home alone while the kids are gone. Stay tuned…

Be well,

Robin

Bipolar – Purpose Driven Life 001

/ Robin

I’ve always believed that having a purpose driven life is much easier to live, and more fun, that one that just swirls around in circles about itself rather like having a Bipolar Swirly. I’d like to share with you a quote I just read written by George Bernard Shaw:

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself
as a mighty one … the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little
clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself
to making you happy.”
It made me pause and consider myself, my brain and my life. Despite what my brain might try to tell me at particular times, I’m still able to be a positive force in this world and to those around me. Maybe now always, but then we’re all human. And I know, I have challenges that “normals” don’t have. That’s okay and I accept that. However I’m not content with that. I will fight to the end of my days never to settle with being “mentally ill” and letting that define who I am.
Yes I’m doing better right now, at this moment. Yes, I’m probably mixing depression and hypomania. That’s ok. I’m a mixed state gal and I’m going to use that. I’m going to harness that energy and combination to finish my book:  “Bipolar Parenting: How to Raise Outstanding Kids Without Killing them.” It is my field of specialization, is it not?
My purpose, now that my kids are mostly grown and my relationships with them are changing, must be found and chased after. If it is the same as I’ve always considered it to be it is to teach and entertain others so that they might live better. I might change it, but there it is for now.
Be well, Robin

Bipolar – Parenting Tip # ??

/ Robin / 1 Comment

When my kids were in elementary school we had no money. We have slightly more now. Back then I had to find things to do that were fun and I really tried to find things that were “memorable”. If I couldn’t take them to Disneyland I was going to figure out something that was fun and we could do often.

We live about an hour or so from an entrance to Mt. Rainier here in Washington State so it seemed natural to me to take the kids there. One type of trip we’d take went like this:

pick up kids from school
stop by house to get warm cloths
drop by grocery store for two candy bars (or something like that) and a pop
drive to the mountain
go as far as the snow allowed
if we made it as far as Paradise we would play in the snow then have lunch on the tailgate consisting of cheese, crackers and summer sausage that I’d cut with a pocket knife right there (it seemed more authentic I think)
we’d stay for an hour
drive home
What an exciting day
and there was still time for homework

We who find ourselves with mental illnesses, whether it be Bipolar or something else, often find ourselves with out much money. If we’re parents it’s hard on the whole family. Often I’d beat myself up that I couldn’t give my kids the “stuff” my parents gave me. Then I remember I’m much closer to my kids than my parents ever were to me. (And by the way, we did have stuff. I was raised on a ranch. We raised and showed Tennessee Walking horses.)

Today search your mind and your situation and figure out if you too can make memories. Even if you are making good memories just for yourself… it’s still so important to do.

Later my friends

Bipolar – Wow!

/ Robin

You know, sometimes I don’t know what to write to you. Sometimes I just have no time. Sometimes I’m too overwhelmed to nail it down and make sense of it.

Today, I’m excited! I’m officially going back to school! I’m going to the University of Washington at Tacoma (UWT)!

You should know that my transferred credits still make me a freshman. This is important because my youngest, Sydney, is also a freshman at UWT. She doesn’t really want me to go to the same school any more than she wants herself and her brother also to be a student at UWT. So, all four of us in my little family will be going to college in the fall. So awesome! Can you believe it? three of us at the same school?!

On a sadder note my father passed away on Martin Luther King Day. He’s out of pain and my mom can begin to recover. He suffered from a lot of pain and at the end he didn’t know us. The brain tumor did that. This was the most difficult part for my mom before he passed… fighting  to give pain medication to someone who thinks you’re trying to poison him, and then soon after not able to talk at all and reflexively fighting her when it was time for her meds. I had to hold his arms down. I have been in “emergency” mode since we started being with him 24 hours a day. I may be still. I made a movie of his life on my birthday. That was a good thing for me.

I haven’t reacted with tears oh hysteria like my mom and brother have. My kids have taken it harder than I have (they were closer than I was to him).

I asked my son if he thought grandpa would be proud of me. He didn’t even hesitate, he said, “Yes, of course he would!” I need to ask my mom too. For some reason I need to know. I’ll ask her now. .. . .