Bipolar – Wow!

/ Robin

You know, sometimes I don’t know what to write to you. Sometimes I just have no time. Sometimes I’m too overwhelmed to nail it down and make sense of it.

Today, I’m excited! I’m officially going back to school! I’m going to the University of Washington at Tacoma (UWT)!

You should know that my transferred credits still make me a freshman. This is important because my youngest, Sydney, is also a freshman at UWT. She doesn’t really want me to go to the same school any more than she wants herself and her brother also to be a student at UWT. So, all four of us in my little family will be going to college in the fall. So awesome! Can you believe it? three of us at the same school?!

On a sadder note my father passed away on Martin Luther King Day. He’s out of pain and my mom can begin to recover. He suffered from a lot of pain and at the end he didn’t know us. The brain tumor did that. This was the most difficult part for my mom before he passed… fighting  to give pain medication to someone who thinks you’re trying to poison him, and then soon after not able to talk at all and reflexively fighting her when it was time for her meds. I had to hold his arms down. I have been in “emergency” mode since we started being with him 24 hours a day. I may be still. I made a movie of his life on my birthday. That was a good thing for me.

I haven’t reacted with tears oh hysteria like my mom and brother have. My kids have taken it harder than I have (they were closer than I was to him).

I asked my son if he thought grandpa would be proud of me. He didn’t even hesitate, he said, “Yes, of course he would!” I need to ask my mom too. For some reason I need to know. I’ll ask her now. .. . .

New Menu Option

/ Robin

I’ve added a new menu item labeled “The Truth”. I do hope you will read it. It would mean a lot if you did.

Your Friend

Robin

Bipolar – The Pain I Cause My Kids

/ Robin / 3 Comments

I saw my counselor yesterday.

Hours later I let my control go again and hurt my baby’s heart (she’s 17). She’s the one that takes it all in and thinks the things I sometimes say or do are real and I mean it. It’s confusing when sometimes they aren’t and sometimes they are. I can’t stand the anger that has been rising.

Time to figure out if it’s in response to yesterday being the one week anniversay of my father’s passing or if I need my meds adjusted or if I’m just being selfish and witchy.

Your Friend

Robin

Bipolar – What is it?

/ Robin / 1 Comment

I thought it might be a good time to share with you what I think is one of the best explanations of what Bipolar Disorder is that I’ve come across in all the years I’ve known I have (am?) it. Read on:

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out daily tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder can be severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.
(NIMH Bipolar)

I admit that when I was a single parent of three young children life was less than fun. I was very sick. I spent what time I could be “normal” growing my kids up so they would be productive and good members of our society. More than that, I wanted their lives have the potential to make a difference somehow.

Despite my Bipolar (Type 1) I kept at it making memories when I couldn’t buy the kids stuff their friends and exploring their world around them. They had me at home and my “mostly” full attention all the time. Most kids don’t get that do they? Today, years later, most of my kid’s friends come from broken, dysfunctional and unhealthy families. We try to make our home a haven for these kids, welcoming them in if they behave like good people. We have standards we maintain here. No drugs, no dating my kids, and we encourage the kids not to be sexually active. Okay, the kids themselves try to encourage that. Why? Because it messes them up more. If they have a bad family life you can bet that heavy dating isn’t going to be the answer. The answer comes from within. Just like it does for you and I.

I have Bipolar Disorder in Aces and Spades… Full on and all the time. Yet, today I’m under the supervision of competent med provider and counselor (mostly lol) and you know what I suffered the affects from today? My ADHD. Yep. Like wow. My Bipolar is in order for the time being (and I take all my meds). Now to deal with the ADHD.

I cleaned house today. Until my back pain (I have chronic back pain and FM) and my right thumb (arthritis) slowed me down and demanded my painkiller and muscle relaxer.

It’s a fine line I walk with my meds. (Each person who prescribes for me knows all the other drugs I’m on. Still I check for drug interactions. That would suck.) Managing the pain in my brain and the pain in my body is difficult to do.

Here’s what I’ve learned. Drugs meant for one thing do NOT help for the other thing. Painkillers do not help Bipolar Disorder. This is what I remind myself of so I keep on the narrow track:

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out daily tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder can be severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.
(NIMH Bipolar)

You would do well to remember this too my friend, no matter what else happens or what else you suffer from, this Bipolar is a different beast and you’d best not forget it nor neglect it lest it eat your life to bits.

I invite you to visit my re-blog of this blog on Facebook under Redux 2.0. Share this blog with your friends if you think it would help them or help them understand you.

Here you will always have the truth as I find it and as I discover it within myself. I will always try my best to be honest with you.

Write me, I answer all emails. I’m pleased to receive them.

Be well. Remember there is hope for you as there is hope for me…. take one hour at a time.

Your friend, Robin

Bipolar – Still no Ritalin

/ Robin / 1 Comment

One day before my father passed I finally got my Ritalin scrip filled. I was so relieved. I was the night shift “watcher” I suppose, waiting for the end.
I have to confess that I haven’t cried yet. I almost did an hour ago but I didn’t. I thought to myself that everyone knew dad better than I did. My kids were closer to him than I was. He ever could never let me in. Maybe we were too much alike. Maybe we just didn’t get on … well, at all.
Honestly it makes me angry. And I’m angry while I was at his side for hours and hours before he passed and took care of our mom that now it’s all about her and leaning on him (my brother) and him being at the house all the time. Petty? Probably. But I’m being honest.
Maybe being Bipolar myself (and I still suspect my dad was too) caused a great divide between us that never had a chance to allow us to have a father/daughter relationship.
The day after he passed my brother spent the entire day there consoling her and rearranging all the furniture. I live 15 minutes away and I never even knew. No one invited me to help her grieve.
We went to the funeral home today and you know what? My brother dominated the conversation (I hardly spoke) and spend time telling mom how things were going to be for her and what not to do. He just told her like I would instruct an employee or even a child. I sat in the back seat and listened.
Now I’m alone in their house dog sitting. She (mom) wanted to take my daughter to get her hair cut and then to fast food for dinner.
The weird thing was she wanted to take her dog with her and take turns sitting in the car with the dog while the other got her hair cut. She didn’t want the dog left alone. No one mentioned me.
I suppose they expected me to go home. . . But why?
I said I’d stay at the house with the dog. It had never entered my mom’s mind.
If you suppose this is stress and grief talking you would be mostly wrong. This is how things have always been. I don’t see it changing.
I think I may always feel like the outsider, the “sick” kid.
It’s too late now.