Bipolar – PENS & Oxycodone

/ Robin

I love pens. I really, really want to get one of those very expensive jobbies. I saw some in a gift boutique downtown Wednesday afternoon. They were 2013 models and at a bargain 50% off the normal $450 and $300. Oiy! Maybe not today. I’d love to get one for myself and one for my eldest daughter. We both love to write.

Writing can be a passionate thing. It is with me. Always with me I’m investing something of myself when I write whether it’s something blatantly obviously personal or if it’s something going on in my head that I want to talk about.

Right now I want to say something that I think is very important so sit up and read carefully. I’m putting this in terms of applying to myself so I know this from personal experience.

I have chronic pain. I have something wrong with my L4 and L5 disks, degenerative disks all the length of my spine, osteoarthritis, and fibromyalgia. I have a twice replaced right knee (replaced twice in two years, the first time it didn’t work) known as a TKR. I am 51 years old and I must say I do not appreciate needing to go to a pain management specialist and taking narcotics… every day.

I’ve been having what i can only label as nightmares now that I’m taking closer to the prescribed amount each day. (I also take Tramadol but that gives me migraines after a few days use). I don’t normally have nightmares. I was having trouble discerning reality fro dream when I would wake up in the morning.

Tonight I woke after another “nightmare” and remember something quite startling. When I was “incarcerated” in a facility to recover for my TKR the second time because my parents were moving and my kids wouldn’t be around to care for me giving me meds and such. It was a horrible experience. Besides generally feeling like I was incarcerated I was on Oxycodone at my maximum dosage every single time I could take it. The staff were only too happy to let me have it.

Unfortunately I had several nights in which I had terrifying and convincing hallucinations. It has taken me a long time to admit they didn’t really happen. Add to that, that I don’t remember my eldest daughter calling me daily from the MacDill Air Force base where she works as an air traffic controler. We live across the country from each other and that eats at my heart. We’ve always been close and the distance is difficult. But I don’t remember her calls and I know that bothers her. She took care of me during my first recovery and had to go through my even having two blood clots below my surgical knee. That was also a nightmare.

Last night and tonight I’ve been about at the level of Oxycodone that I was at in the rehabilitation center (read: nursing home) and I’ve started having hallucinations, not nightmares.

I suspect my use of pain medications is on the way down. We’ve tried a number of things and nothing seems to help.

I have an idea that I am sure will help. Ever hear of neuroplasticity? I’m sure you’ve heard of Luminosity, that’ s neuroplasticity. For me, this will mean using mindfulness to “remap” my brain and in doing so enable my actual brain structure to interpret pain differently. It won’t seem painful to me.  I guess I could put it like that without going into detail right now. I will soon though.

Neuroplasticity is becoming my key to dealing with my much of my troubles. Think of it, how awesome it will be to control my chronic pain, Bipolar, FM and OA… at least to a degree. Many advanced meditation practitioners are known to change their brains in a manner like the mindfulness I’ve mentioned.

Mindfulness. Neuroplasticity. How great to have the possibility of using these disciplines to help myself!

I’m not likely to be drug free… but I’ll get as far as I can.

I’ll talk about Mindfulness and Neuroplasticity in depth soon. They are very important disciplines that science backs up. I mean they are both proven scientifically to work in the areas I need. They impact many other things too.  After all, they are not confined to “topics” the brain considers. They do however, change the brain in ways we cannot comprehend considering the vast expanse, the last frontier as they say. At night I’ve taken to listening to Pandora. I searched and found a Mindfulness station to listen through the night. It’s playing right now. I finally decided to subscribe. Know why? The commercials were scaring me as I slept. Ew.

Watch your consumption of drugs like Oxycodone. You could have side affects you would think would anticipate.

Be cautious. Be ever vigilant.

Catch you later.I’m trying to stay awake for a while. Those hallucinations were getting very weird. Scary.

Robin

Bipolar – Weird Parent # 5 0 3 0c25

/ Robin

Yeah, I’ve no idea what the letters mean too. Gibberish. But, that’s what I want to say to you today.

“Gibberish”

My youngest daughter has a favorite saying and I’d like to quote her here: “It’s that moment when…” Yesterday I thought about that and I realize how she realizes things. Bear with me here. I’ve finally had my own really huge moment….

It’s that moment when I realize I’ve been doing my next project when I should be finishing the one I started 14 (FOURTEEN) years ago.

And so this is just what I have to say in this note to you. If you feel like something just isn’t right stand back, relax, let your mind wander, look for your passion. Not your obsession. Not your mania of the moment. Not the object of your freaked out depression. Search your heart and your mind and maybe your soul (if you believe in the soul) and see if maybe you’re banging your head against the wall, because you turned left or right and got totally off the desire of your heart. Your burning desire. Your goal. What is it?

Got no idea? We’ll talk about this in another note. But for now, consider this, what the hell are you doing?

Be well and I’ll see you soon. I have to check on the obsession I just printed.

Confused?

 

As always, comments and notes are so very appreciated. Robin

Bipolar – Symphony No. 1

/ Robin / 1 Comment

My kids don’t understand why I love classical music. I’m sorry darlings, but I do. I started listening to my limited cassette collection when I purloined my mother’s never listened to tapes and started listening while I attempted to do my homework in high school. I found early on in my academic career that music with words completely fascinates… ok. That’s a totally lie. I forget all about my homework and sing along.

Classical music turned out to be a great boon for me. I could close my eyes and center myself as I continued to distract myself. I looked out the windows and was coerced to let my eyes hungrily absorb the beauty I saw all around me. We lived in a house far off the road in Washington State in a small town called Gig Harbor. Our home was a mile off the main road and on ten acres of woodland. We had horses and dogs and cats and pigs and chickens… and a pond. We had all sorts of things. And then, we had classical music.

I was prompted to write to you about classical music tonight because I’m sitting here, finally silent and not bothering either kid while plugged in (as I call it). I’ve been very busy talking and bossing and yelling and laughing and being frustrated all weekend

We finally had our garage sale and made a little money. I’m about halfway to being able to afford to fly to Tampa, Florida to see my Air Force Airman daughter Jessica. I’m so proud of her. And I miss her so much.

Sydney has been playing a video game that was making her crazy for the last several hours. Kyle was helping me submit a patent to the patent office. That was a little nutty. While Kyle went over what we had written and tried to clarify some things we ran into Sydney. Honest. Practically physically. “You guys are saying the same thing!!!” I knew I needed to slow down.

As soon as we finished I thanked my boy and hugged him. Then I got out my Samsung S5 and plugged in (my lingo for putting in/on head or ear phones. Plugging in means there is a chance I’ll stop talking for a while and maybe even focus.

Focus. Yeah, buddy. You betcha.

I closed my eyes and drew myself together. I thought about the lessons I’ve been learning about mindfulness. I focused and opened my eyes. Symphony No. 1, Czech Philharmonic Chamber Orchestra (Brian Crain, Spring Symphonies) was playing. It was amazing. It brought me back to a time when life was simpler, when I might have thought of fewer things in the space of ten minutes. Maybe. It seems like that was the way it was.

Today, I’ve signed up for Pandora without commercials. I need the music without the psychosis inducing commercials. I’m loving it.

So we finished the garage sale. Most of the ten or so boxes of books we have left have been packed into my car and will find a new home at Half Priced Books this week. I’ll take a few boxes in at a time. I’ve discovered I get a better price that way. Feels weird to let my friends, my comfort books, go on to other people. It’s like finally giving a part of myself up that I no longer need.

My meds are to thank for that mostly. I don’t feel like I MUST have them to be able to handle life. I’m finding the strength to carry on inside my own brain, in my spirit if you will. Meds taken as instructed…. are helping me settle down long enough to be sensible about things I was so compulsive about before.

Everyone (including all the pets) have gone off to bed. I think I’ll follow their lead. Probably going to be a busy week ahead of us. The calendar says so.

I’ll talk to you soon my friends. In the meantime… listen to some music you don’t normally listen to. Maybe classical? Maybe country? Whatever it is, close your eyes and try to let it take you away to a place where you can be more peaceful… quiet.

I’m on my way to bed right now. After I post this. Then right now. And I’ll read for a bit. Then my Kindle/phone will fall on my face, I’ll smile, put it down properly and pass out. I love falling asleep like that.

Night friends.

Bipolar on the Lawn

/ Robin

As it happens with so many “normal” events in life, I made certain that I was taking all my meds on time and the correct way during the week before and the days of… the nasty garage sale. I say nasty because we had maybe a dozen people stop by. Most of them bought something. Most spent about $2, which I’m thankful for. I think I have $270 more to save up before I can go see my eldest daughter in the Air Force over in Florida. I’ve not had a vacation in… um… I dunno. Doesn’t matter really. I want one really bad. I miss her and want to go see her. She’s having trouble swinging time to come home right now so it seems like it will be easier if one of us go to her. Me!!

I do wish the sale had actually SOLD more STUFF. Well, books mostly actually. Yes, like many other folks who dance the Bipolar dance I have my manic bits about me and inevitably one tenant of my mania tends to extend to …….. BOOKS. It has always been so hard to part with my books.

The weather today and yesterday was pretty perfect. So far this summer each time we tried to have the infamous sale either the weather thought it was in Washington (which it is, the state) or my other two kids were off doing things. There was no way in Liverpool that I was going to do this all myself.

So we get it all out there after I tolerate their not being able to wake up “hitting the ground running” and they’re enduring my lack of silence and immense energy. Yes. We are polar opposites. We annoy the heck out of each other. Since I talk the most I am the most likely to announce that I’m irritated that they seem dead for the first 3 hours they’re “up” on any given morning. Their faces silently curse me out. I know they’re thinking something like that. I know I would if I were they.

We got on each other’s nerves all morning. Till sometime around the 11 o’clock hour I think. I had a free mocha coming from one of the dozens of coffee shops, so I left them to their silence for 15 minutes while I went and got one. The pain meds I was going to have to take so I could work the garage sale would kick my butt soon after I took them. Best to have caffeine now and be prepared.  I picked up a blueberry muffin and had it warmed for Sydney, hoping it would cheer her sleeping psyche up. Nah. It’s her “time of the month”. Nothing is going to help a sleepy teenager when that second blow of the double whammy hits. Said it was good. Made her feel sick. Yeah.

To add to the excitement my service doggie in training, Bailey, who isn’t used to people coming and going so fast nor her humans being outside and her being inside all day. We closed the curtains and put the TV on a country music station and turned it up a bit. This way she couldn’t see us and hopefully, not hear us too much either. She calmed down pretty quickly. But indeed, she did need to come out to do her business. And then she took the opportunity to bark and whine and do somersaults and tie her leash around me and Kyle letting her trip me after hog tieing me.

Bailey has finally devoured every toy we’ve bought for her and even all the ones we’ve invented, like empty “Simply Lemonade” containers. They’re nice and sturdy and …. she eats them now. I used to put treats in them after she’d smashed them up good and stand them up in a group in the living room. She’d sit quietly by (after I told her to). Then I say, “Go!” and she’d leap into action. Oh all kinds of inventive ways to empty those treats out would then come forth. Let me tell you… she’s one smart cookie. I swear she’s ADHD just like me.

The kids’ grandmother on their father’s side came today and brought Bailey a new toy. Everything we’d tried the last few weeks has seen the inside of her stomach far too much for our liking so when she arrived with a potentially workable toy we were overjoyed.

At the time of this writing, Bailey and I are on the back deck. She’s going from one lawn chair to the other. Back and forth. Her toy tags along. It’s a rope with … I mean a ball with a rope toy going through the center. The ball is just hard enough for her to only pierce it a bit. The rope makes it easy to handle, sort of. That’s the fun of sitting in the camping folding chairs on the deck. She keeps bringing it up with her – and losing it as soon as her feet let go of their death grip on it. Yes, feet. How they use them like hands I’ll never know.

It’s all very funny.

We’re out here alone… nope. She’s gone in to eat. Anyway, reflecting over the day. Okay, maybe I’m just wanting to be outside a little longer and listen to all the strange birds and frogs. And airplanes. And cars. And rabbits.

Kyle torqued Sydney and I off by bugging out at 2 o’clock to go babysit my parents dog. Not puppy. Dog. This i find always annoys me. It’s usually when I need whatever child they steal from me when they snag them. Like today. A huge table full of books is still outside waiting for Kyle to come home (maybe around 9 o’clock) and cart them all in. Sydney’s knee and girl parts ran out of gas and into the pain danger zone and my back (degenerative disk disease from the top to the bottom) shot past said zone and into the “I’m going to throw up soon” level of pain. Yeah. Does wonders for my state of mind.

I started my day off making sure that I ate breakfast and took a chill pill before anyone else got up. And I took another one mid day. And another one when we came back in afterwards.

Sydney fell asleep on her bed wrapped in a pile of blankets hours ago. I’m finally able to rise from my ice chair with minimal pain levels (ice and pain meds make a nice kick) and I don’t want to puke now.

Bailey hasn’t stayed still in either of the two camping chairs nor the deck nor her very own large cardboard box for more than perhaps two minutes at a time thus far. I think two minutes might be generous. She’s finally left her new toy on the deck. She’s trying to keep her eyes open and listen to all the sounds around us. She’s fading. Me too. Been a long weekend.

I met my goal of not losing my mind and hollering at the kids. Yeeeaaahhhh!!! Ah, but now I’m slapping bugs. Time to go in. Oh man. Bailey just settled down in a chair next to me and is asle… nope. She’s just pretending to be asleep. Oh little bark. Sydney just popped her head out and startled Bailey. Time to go in. I think a bug went down my shirt. Little bugger. Now that, will piss me off.

Thanks for the meds doc. I’m feeling better.

Drop me a line! I answer all msgs. Let’s kick things around a bit.

And… Tell your friends!

Robin