Author: Robin

Fires, Families, Fruit and Little Balls

/ Robin

Hi Friend!

The last few days have been busy and yeah, stressful. Last night I got unreasonably angry. I’m glad that I can finally, usually, recognize runaway moods and pamper them.

Fires

2 nights ago it was warm, finally, so we had all the windows open. As usual I was last to bed, when my abnormally sensitive nose smelled smoke. It was getting worse really fast. I forced my daughter to get up (she hates my “emergencies”) and come smell. Sounds a bit weird, I know.

This time my nearly nose blind kid smelled it too. There was a lot. So we, of course, got a fire scanner app and figured out it was just 2 blocks away.

Families

A week or so, maybe two, my oldest son told us he needs a place to stay. So we invited him to stay with us as long as he needs to. Of course moving our stuff around so he has enough room has made it look like WE just moved in. Ick.

Fruit

Yesterday I had a pretty scary allergic reaction to a banana and 5 strawberries. Which was it? Dunno. Should I have washed the berries. Probably, yes. Am I now allowed to eat fruit home alone? That would be a resounding, NO! Geeze.

My EpiPen refills today. Go figure.

Little Balls

Yesterday Son #1 and I were playing ball with dog #1 (Bailey – oh right. Just one dog!). On his very first throw it went into the neighbors yard. He was not a happy camper.

Having retrieved the ball he tried it again. Ahhh… oops! Over the garbage and recycling bins and the gate and OUT. Out? Out where? Hell if we could find it. 15 minutes later… no ball. He wasn’t exactly chipper at this point. We eventually gave up and got a another spare ball because you know mom always throws them on the roof. Ha, ha.

Snork.

Today Bailey and I went for a walk. We were heading to the fire house to do some rubber-necking when what do you think caught my eye, much farther down the road, yet quite easy to see? That troublesome little ball.

What’s Up?

Self Check – Did I take it all in stride?

I say YES. I changed my behavior when I needed to. I didn’t get hysterical about stuff burning. I laughed when we lost the ball, and when I found it.

Mood Charts

As an afterthought let me mention mood charts or mood journals. I don’t use them. Never have and I’m pretty sure nobody is ever going to convince me to do so.

I do what I just did in this letter to you. I look over a day or a week or whatever and I ask myself, “How have I handled life and the way I’ve lived it?” If I don’t know, I ask somebody close to me.

I have shelter, food, cloths, and so on. I have a family that hasn’t abandoned me. You know what’s the most important thing (or 2) to me right now?

I am (usually) able to LOVE others and I am LEARNING to LOVE MYSELF.

And laughter – find something silly to laugh about. My advise is that you don’t look for it on line. Look for any hint of it in YOUR life.

And don’t forget… look for those little balls.

Why Can’t I Start What I Long to Do? OR Overthinking – How to Stop

/ Robin

Overthinking. Ruminating. Ponder. Muse. Ruminant – to chew the cud.

Meditate. To chew again, over and over. Brood.

Reflect. Contemplate. Excogitate.

Overthink. Ruminate.

As far back as I can remember I’ve been paralyzed by something so strange, so alien to me, that I didn’t recognize it for what it was. When I thought (and still struggle with thinking) that I was a broken failure of a human and didn’t deserve to live because obviously I had no value and had no reason to live. I hated myself.

I thought that this ever so destructive way of thinking was normal. Why?

One of the things I tried to glue my mind together (Not “back” together. It felt as though it never was together.) was by immersing myself in Christianity. I read the Scriptures, attended Bible study, prayer group, youth group, church services, retreats and sang with Christian groups.

This is what I discovered: I was a sinner who couldn’t stop sinning. I hated myself even more because I failed again, over and over. If I was a Christian and was honestly giving myself to God and welcoming the Holy Spirit to dwell within me why couldn’t I obey even the simplest of commands?

There’s much more to this part of my story but for now I want to talk briefly about something I only realized about a month ago… I’m a perfectionist. Or, I have the same weird ways of thinking about myself a perfectionist does. In any case: Overthink.

A few times in my life I’ve been forced by circumstances to begin something and follow through with it. Let me give you an example of something I quit, I never put effort into, and I was humiliated that I didn’t get a blue ribbon even though I never did anything to earn one. We had show horses while I was growing up. We showed Tennessee Walking Horses. My mom and dad showed, and both were pretty good at it. Our trophy and ribbon collection grew and grew. But none of that was any thing I’d earned. I wanted to.

I wanted desperately for people to like me because I was a winner. I was a youth then. I didn’t realize that this wasn’t the way friendship worked. It seemed to me that all the clapping the winner got meant that they were popular, and that people liked them.

I didn’t win. I couldn’t practice because I was afraid, I wouldn’t win. I never won, so I didn’t practice. Umm… Yeah.

Uhh…. Well, sometimes my day (all of our days) can take a drastic turn hard right and change from what I was doing and planned to do, into a smoldering wreck of pulled butt and pain. So… yeah.

My daughter and I just too, my dog Bailey out for a walk. Jessica was going to walk to the store for some groceries and Bailey and I were turning around to walk home.

Then BOOM!

Crossing the street Bailey and I became tangled – and I pulled, maybe even tore my right glute. Yes, that would be my right ass. I struggled .75 miles to get back home. I can hardly move. The nurse on call recommends that if I am unable to get up or down from a chair or walk or bear weight on that leg, that I go to the emergency room. And if all that is the case and I can’t get into the car so Jessica can drive me, if I can’t get in and out safely, then we need to call 911 so they can transport me safely.

Well holy hell!!

Talk to you more soon. Oiy!

Be well, be safe.

Robin

This is What No Sleep Looks Like

/ Robin / 2 Comments

It is easy to say, “I haven’t been sleeping well for the last week.” It is less easy to give people, even medical people, a snapshot of exactly what the brain (my brain at least) is doing… while it isn’t sleeping.

I’ve not slept over two hours at a time for the last four nights. Sometimes I nod off durning the day for a little bit. While I was not sleeping last night, I thought I’d write a simple post. None of this has been edited or changed to make myself sound less… well less… you’ll see. (I’m pasting in the Word Doc I was writing in. I’ve had to adjust for line breaks because WordPress is printing the text without line breaks all the way across the screen and into the side bar drop down lists and such. I also had to adjust for tablet viewing.) This is how it went:

I’m so tired. I’m going back to aleep in just a few minutes, but I want to ahare sometjin kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I just fell asleep. It’s been three nights since I’ve flee;dddddddddddddddddddddddddddlk,…….

Sorry.

I thought my back pain was undercontr; aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaao

Ve bp,

I did it again. I’m trying to drink decaf= c========= crap.

I’m trying to say that sleep is important. It donesn’t see s n

The physidal pia=======[‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

’’’’’’’’’’’’

’’’’’’’’’’’’’

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Alright, time to go to bed agin, fiftjrlkkkkkkkkkkk. This is js=

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That’s all of it. I went to bed and slept a while. I’m not sure for how long. I’m sure this must seem silly, and you might even be considering whether or not I made it up. I have a good imagination, but this is too boring. As is everyone’s right, you may interpret it as you will. As for me… I’m going to take a nap. I’m starting to nod off again. Lordy…

Bipolar – Sudden Emotional Reversal — Thrusters at Max

/ Robin

The day was glorious! Everything was better than I’d imagined.

No, I didn’t fall off the emotion “wagon.”

But I was close. I almost thought about it. I could tell I was crashing like someone running out of a huge rush and it scared me.

I’d been on a long drive and played with my dog without a leash on, a fence to restrict her, or other dogs to act weird. Spending time in our favorite places was amazing.

TRIGGER: She leaves for a two week trip to China on Friday.

TRIGGER: I’ve radically changed my diet and am exercising more… as my body will allow.

TRIGGER: The house is messy and my response is to feel like I’m out of control.

Remember – It isn’t necessary for me to control everything. Stop being so hard on yourself. You’re doing great. Honestly, look at all you’ve been able to teach your counselor about having a daughter (youngest) who is becoming a son.

TRIGGER: Oh heck! Not again! A great day that ended with my feeling a bit of depression stun me.

And then – the time arrived. Would I fully and finally trip the TRIGGER at the end of our day? Jessica was at work by this time.

Decide. What will you do? Last time no one believed it happened. Watch this video. It’s from Friday night. 30 years ago I would have completely last my mind.

Finally, despite all the triggers, I stayed calm. I keep breathing. Take my meds. And document the evidence proving all the naysayers wrong. Lookie, I even drew on the pic.

My intention, is to keep on keeping on.

Nah, not stopping there. While I am able, I will always grow nearer to the best version of myself that I can be. And that, has to happen continuously.

I have Bipolar Disorder, a painful and little understood illness that I will have with me until I am in my grave.

Did you watch the video? There was no screaming or things being thrown. My meds, exercise, physical therapy, dreaming big dreams, family and the zoo (especially Bailey) I was able to pull back from th he edge.

It’s hard for me right now. And yeah, I have to be up and out early tomorrow (Sunday), but it is now around 4:30 a.m.

Now that’s, a TRIGGER!

Be safe. Be well. Make good choices.

And please, leave me a comment or reach out via the Contact page.

Now git!! Go kick that fella before he realizes you’re there. 😏

Stress – I Can’t Breathe

/ Robin
Breathe
Photo by Tom Fisk from Pexels

Life isn’t greener in the neighbors lawn.
They have a gigantic cherry tree that covers both their lawn and my driveway.

Life isn’t simple.
If it were I wouldn’t be taking my Day Timer, Google Calendar, pad of paper and Todoist with me every stupid place I go.

I have taken the ADHD workshop.
I understand my ability to schedule and understand time is next to zero.

My caretaker-companion-daughter-best buddy is leaving for a wonderland trip to China in about two weeks… for two weeks.
I know I have to be careful. I’m trying to breathe…

People tend to associate Mondays with the beginning of five days of disasters.
I may be beginning to agree with this line of thought.

Without details, I ask you to trust me on this, Monday was horrible.
Tuesday started at the emergency vet with my companion (I prefer her her name, Bailey. She’s my Empathy Dog) was not showing the Vet how she’d been unable to breathe clearly just an hour ago. I have a witness! She’s still doing it, but an expensive x-ray later, they can find nothing. Could my bonkers emotions be affecting my empathy doggie (Read: Emotional Support)?
Took my mom to see Captain Marvel with Kyle (eldest son). She tried to get the tickets for Avengers at the box office, which she thought we could bypass because she bought them online through AARP. Nope. Had to go outside, pay full price and pick our seats. It was Tuesday. Discount day. OMG! Kyle was in a bad mood. Always in a bad mood after driving around and around “stupid” drivers… which he does for a living.
Then, Kyle yelled a couple times at some drunk guy in the theater to be quiet for a little longer, the movie was almost over. Okay, if I’d said something like that to that very drunk man, I’d have, well, been really, really nice about it. Kyle was in a mood, again… OMG! Such a good thing I took a chill pill. Then I had Kyle (who I call “Sunshine“) drive me – after his day of driving – all day – which he hated – home. Sigh.
Tuesday still, I think I skipped the real fun part of suddenly discovering I might have been asleep in my chair. Why else would my head snap forwards? Did it again. Headed down the hall. I just wanted to visit the little girls room. Entire body did it… twice. Yes, I know. I see the neurologist next week and I’m thrilled. I’m trying not to think about it. It seems nothing is ever simple. It is either in my head, or I need surgery. Everything seems to fall at one pole or another. OMG!

Wednesday, my day started with half a chill pill. Residual bonkers feelings from Tuesday I suppose. Breathe.
Concluded freaking out with the second half of the pill later on. Very slowly, did my physical thearapy. I regularly use this time (supposed to be twice a day, but I’ll take what I can manage) to practice breathing and relaxing my muscles.

With all this breathing I should be chalk full of oxygen. I wonder if that actually helps anything?

Thursday, today – Insert your favorite really bad word before I even begin – ___________________________________________________
11:00 Pain Mgmt guy – Jason / Missed Appt. CAR WON’T START AGAIN!!! This is the FOURTH TIME!
12:15 Waaayyy missed Pain guy appt. Waiting for eldest child (Jessica) to come home and give me a lift to next appt.
1:50 Dr. XXXXs – Orthopedic Surgeon – (I know I’m being angry and judgemental and a little bit bitter) He LEFT ME A MESSAGE after reading my MRI and said three things: torn rotator cuff, bursitis, and frayed something else. Last week when I fell, he called between patients and didn’t even consult my chart. He said he didn’t think it was a big deal and I probably didn’t need surgery. In the first message he said I probably DID need surgery. OMG! I see him today. I’m taking a witness and a recording of his first message. Yes, I’m that mad. Today, we discussed it together and decided to have him put two more shots in my shoulder… where they would actually help.
2:40 Physical thearapy on that stupid shoulder. It isn’t Gab’s fault, but it hurts like ______________ after that. Later – Yep. PT on that shoulder. She maniuplated it around so it would move the fluid around a little. Kinda hurt.
4:30 Arrived back home. Car still does not run. My keys for it were not in mailbox or taped to the door or even a note left saying, “We left your car here because it’s stupid.” I called the garage and the same young guy from the morning didn’t know anything about it. Didn’t realize they left it and took the keys. Couldn’t reach them by phone. I have no idea what’s wrong.
My car is a 2001. I’ve put $1000 into it just this year. I paid $3000 for it three years ago. I can’t afford to buy a new car! These guys have replaced just about everything. OMG! I have no words… I need a nap.

Nap didn’t happen. But, I’m happy to tell you that I only had to get two shots in my shoulder and then run over and do PT on it. Yummy. Man, I hope that the shots work.

It is bedtime. I’m finishing this up on the bench I made out of an old toy chest. Bailey is laying… um… in her box. I’ll show you a picture another time. She’s still breathing like a horse snores. I’m not sure what that sounds like, and I’m pretty sure they don’t snore (I was raised on a ranch), but if they did, this might be what it sounds like. I don’t like it one bit.

Friday – I have nothing on my calendar.
Ideas: Going for a hike before I find myself in a body cast with just a straw to drink through and one eye open to watch TV (quality time). Mouth covered. It will rain. We have raincoats. This is Washinton.

  • Reading / Writing – All day with breaks for playing with Bailey and eating.
  • Watching a movie that both Jessica and I agree upon.
  • Oh yes! She wants to make a quick day drive to Mt. Rainier!

We are going to attempt a drive up to the first popular on the mountain from our corner of the park. We’ll be heading for an area called Longmire.
Breathe. We’d take Bailey with us normally, but she hasn’t been in the car this long yet. I don’t think she’d care, but the National Park Service doesn’t allow dogs in the parks. Well, here is what they say at Rainier.

Saturday – Please, no one touch me or talk to me. I’m done.

Sunday – Sigh, it is almost Monday again. I don’t care. Bailey and I are going to the pet store to support the pet adoption program.

So did I survive this week? Today? Well, it is now 5:00 p.m. When I can manage to slow down a bit, I’ll take a nap in my chair in the living room. Before that, I contacted one of my people and she was able to come to me and help me out. She got me out and off meeting the rest of my appointments. I got those rotten shots. Now, we’re home. She’s reading. That alone helps me calm down. I love my people (Kyle and Jessica in this case). My mom and I talked about it on the phone. That was very supportive too. That’s what I needed today, support. People who love without qualification. Finally, that’s part of my family. It’s been a long time coming.

My Friend, make your plan(s), go over them with the people in your life who are willing to commit to help you out. Make sure they understand it’s serious. It isn’t like you have a paper cut and need a bandaid. No. You need them. You need one of YOUR PEOPLE. Make sure they understand that.