Bipolar Pile Up On the Big M Double-E (Yes, That’s ME)

/ Robin

I’ve got to be quick tonight. I’ve agreed to go with a family member to go with them to their counselor and med provider first thing in the morning tomorrow to try to get her some much needed help.

This week has been a giant pile of poo that I’ve not very successfully navigated around. In fact, I’ve stepped in lots of it. Yesterday, I lost my mind and red lined. I screamed and yelled. I threw things and slammed doors and cupboards. I hit metal doors and kicked them just to make sure I’d smacked them enough. I haven’t been that angry, that full of rage, in a long time.

It frightens all of us. It terrifies me because I remember being lost in the rage everyday for years and the thought that I might fall and land there… it’s unthinkable. It scares my kids horribly. The son that lives with me hasn’t seen me like that. He came home after it was over and I’d already started cleaning up my mess. He got mad that I was mad.

My daughter that also lives with me, she has seen me like this and although she wants to be angry when I go through this, she knows it won’t help anyone. She waited. I finished. I cleaned up as soon as I was done.

What caused it? So many things. Right? Things pile up and up and there isn’t a proper release. Then, POP goes the weasel!

My plan is to post more frequently. I wanted to share this with you and I knew if I waited until tomorrow I’d get busy and then I never would.

I have no magic answers for how to avoid or fix myself (or anyone else) when these situations happen, and yes, they realistically will happen again. What I do know, is that if I can be resilience, if I can move forward. Let me share with you what resilience means:

Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back at least as strong as before. Rather than letting difficulties or failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes. 

Psychology Today ( https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/resilience ) Please read the remainder of the article.

So, for my sake and for my love for my family, I’m going to try to learn to practice more resilience.

Good night friend.

Robin

Please Help Me Sleep

/ Robin

Sleep by Magic

“I can sleep anywhere. Let me give you a helpful tip…”

I made this playlist to help me get to sleep and stay that way longer because most nights are really rough and my body acts like it hates sleep.


Now, I’m certain that you and I both know that a lack of sleep can wreak havoc on every area of our lives. In fact, the less sleep that I have, the more bonkers I feel, I think, and I act.

I started playing it on my phone but it was getting too hot. Since then, I’ve taken to using my iPad. I plug it in to charge and have no problem.

I usually start at the third video, but you could go right to the music if you like.

I’d love to know what you think about the playlist. If you could try it for a week or so and let me know how it goes I’d be ever so grateful.

I’ve been developing these “Sleep Aid” playlists for some time now and I’m particularly happy with this one.

Oh, and by-the-by, if you like, make your own playlist to sleep to using these videos or search for something that may work better for you.

Sleep by Magic

Goodnight Tip
If you find sleep is avoiding you and anxiety is growing deep inside, try to remember this:  In the morning the sun will rise. In the evening it will set again. The cycle goes on: wash – rinse – repeat. Sleep will come. It will. The problem comes when we try to force it. When we do that, well, it will run and you may face to wait for the cycle to go all the way around again.

Be at peace. You’ve got this. If not right this moment, then soon.

Be well my friends.

Robin

Sleep by Magic

Finding Purpose with Mental Illness

/ Robin / 1 Comment

I’ve spent most of my life trying to survive being myself. My brain and I don’t get along far too often. My mood disorder (Bipolar Disorder) smashes itself against my face driving me ever farther backwards into darkness (depression) and fire (mania/anger/anxiety).

When I was in high school, I honestly believed that I had a specific purpose to fulfill in life. Then I developed post-partum depression after the birth of my first child and my world crashed down around me, rolling ever further away from my control.

My control – It never occurred to me that my brain and I were anything but in my control. As the years passed, I focused more on surviving one week after another, and even one day after another. I focused on raising my kids as a single mother. I couldn’t work. Working was a nightmare that terrified me. I was Mom 24/7. It was what I had to, what I wanted to do. I tried to be the best mom that I could be.

At 56 I’m only now learning how my illness has affected my personality, my social skills, and my parenting. My eldest is 27 and I’ve only just now learned these truths. The sadness that comes with this realization grieves me. It rips open the wound in my heart that I’ve tried to keep taped up all these years… Maybe I wasn’t a good parent after all.

I can’t breathe.

The other day I was listening to the podcast called: “Don’t Keep Your Day Job.” After the host concluded her interview with an author, she summed the discussion by listing some “take-aways.”

Two of those take-aways were:

  1. If there’s a book you need to read and it’s not on the shelf – go write it.
  2. There is only one [me] that can speak in [my] voice. People are drawn to us when we are authentic.

Now that I’ve thought about it for a week these are my responses:

  1. I haven’t been able to find a book on Bipolar Disorder (or any book on mental illness) that meets me where I am. Being manic and having ADHD, I find that DBT and ACT workbooks make me crazy. I want answers. I don’t want more lists of what’s wrong with me.
  2. I want a book that inspires me and helps me navigate the mood bombs that are always all around me.
  3. I want a book that helps me learn to cement my feet to the ground.
  4. Teaches me how to be successful in every area of my life. It seems to me that I should be able to apply success principles to all of me, not just the part of me that wants to be financially successful.
  5. Can self-improvement principles like the ones that Tony Robbins teaches be applied to my illnesses?
  6. Inspire me. Don’t be a Double Debbie Downer.
  7. Show me who I can become. Stop focusing on the negative aspects of my illnesses.
  8. Help me find purpose for my life so that I can focus on the good that I can do rather than the negative that I feel.

Bipolar – Afraid to Complain – What’s Normal?

/ Robin

A few years ago I moved into the city. It’s my first city.

I grew up on a ranch. We had some acreage and there were trails, trees, ponds and streams I played in. To call my dad in for lunch we might have to yell at him far across the way or try to out yell his bulldozer. Honest. Bulldozer.

There are many more reasons like this I could give you as to why I’m so noisy… so very loud – but let me toss out two other ideas and then I’ll explain about being afraid.

Carol Burnett used to do her version of the Tarzan yell on her variety show. At some point when my kids were little I started doing my Tarzan yell out over Alder Lake above Alder Dam. I’d cup my funds around my mouth and cut loose. My voice, my yell, just as loud as it wanted to be, that’s what I let it do.

As loud as I could… I’d yell… I’d echo… louder… louder — RUSH!

Let it all go. Wow –

I’m a self-acknowledged loud person. Yep. Loud. I get excited or angry or whatever, and I’m loud.

Loud seems built into me. It’s a fundamental part of who I am.

WHAT are you talking ABOUT?

Ahh eehhh… I have a serious mood disorder. One might say that at times I have a mood/volume disorder. See?

Angry = loud.

Joyful = loud.

And so on.

Our neighbors, here in my first city, are loud. I mean nearly Tarzan loud ( okay, maybe not that loud). They are on the next street and two houses down but we can hear their music in our living room over the TV.

Tonight I just wanted to sit in my first back yard, in my first house, in my first house and chill. As I sat there I found myself growing angrier and angrier. That bloody music.

When I mix all the bits and thoughts I’ve just mentioned about being loud I stop myself from complaining about this new noise… because what if I’m still loud like that? I have this mood disorder. I’ve always been noisy. Am I allowed to expect others to treat my ears with respect if I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to always do the same?

Damn it Robin, just call the “non-emergency” police number and explain. Okay, you live in a city. Regular moody people can be selfish and rude and loud too, it’s a city.

Woman! Be a good citizen and be willing to stop being afraid to complain.

Complain righteously, be confident, be an equal citizen – get some sleep.

You mean???

Yes. You’re being normal. Complain.

Ahh… finally, it is all quite. Until the next firework goes off.

I’m good.

Good heavens do I like to release my moods with my Tarzan yell… but not in my city. I want to be a good citizen.

Am I being normal? Or really confused?

Fires, Families, Fruit and Little Balls

/ Robin

Hi Friend!

The last few days have been busy and yeah, stressful. Last night I got unreasonably angry. I’m glad that I can finally, usually, recognize runaway moods and pamper them.

Fires

2 nights ago it was warm, finally, so we had all the windows open. As usual I was last to bed, when my abnormally sensitive nose smelled smoke. It was getting worse really fast. I forced my daughter to get up (she hates my “emergencies”) and come smell. Sounds a bit weird, I know.

This time my nearly nose blind kid smelled it too. There was a lot. So we, of course, got a fire scanner app and figured out it was just 2 blocks away.

Families

A week or so, maybe two, my oldest son told us he needs a place to stay. So we invited him to stay with us as long as he needs to. Of course moving our stuff around so he has enough room has made it look like WE just moved in. Ick.

Fruit

Yesterday I had a pretty scary allergic reaction to a banana and 5 strawberries. Which was it? Dunno. Should I have washed the berries. Probably, yes. Am I now allowed to eat fruit home alone? That would be a resounding, NO! Geeze.

My EpiPen refills today. Go figure.

Little Balls

Yesterday Son #1 and I were playing ball with dog #1 (Bailey – oh right. Just one dog!). On his very first throw it went into the neighbors yard. He was not a happy camper.

Having retrieved the ball he tried it again. Ahhh… oops! Over the garbage and recycling bins and the gate and OUT. Out? Out where? Hell if we could find it. 15 minutes later… no ball. He wasn’t exactly chipper at this point. We eventually gave up and got a another spare ball because you know mom always throws them on the roof. Ha, ha.

Snork.

Today Bailey and I went for a walk. We were heading to the fire house to do some rubber-necking when what do you think caught my eye, much farther down the road, yet quite easy to see? That troublesome little ball.

What’s Up?

Self Check – Did I take it all in stride?

I say YES. I changed my behavior when I needed to. I didn’t get hysterical about stuff burning. I laughed when we lost the ball, and when I found it.

Mood Charts

As an afterthought let me mention mood charts or mood journals. I don’t use them. Never have and I’m pretty sure nobody is ever going to convince me to do so.

I do what I just did in this letter to you. I look over a day or a week or whatever and I ask myself, “How have I handled life and the way I’ve lived it?” If I don’t know, I ask somebody close to me.

I have shelter, food, cloths, and so on. I have a family that hasn’t abandoned me. You know what’s the most important thing (or 2) to me right now?

I am (usually) able to LOVE others and I am LEARNING to LOVE MYSELF.

And laughter – find something silly to laugh about. My advise is that you don’t look for it on line. Look for any hint of it in YOUR life.

And don’t forget… look for those little balls.