Bipolar – Trying to Write

/ Robin

nanowrimoI’m attempting to participate in National Novel Writing Month this year (NaNoWriMo). My eldest daughter went to one of the kick off meetings and she learned about a woman who she told me about The woman used her homework (she too was going to college) as her novel (her word count) so she could get the minimum word count every day. My goal is 2,000 words a day. I hope that between homework, this blog, and other random stuff I end up writing, I’ll be able to do it. So far so good. I only need to write a poem today. Well, not exactly a poem, more a sonnet form I write while wondering around campus. I go to the University of Washington at Tacoma. I’m a junior and I’m studying communications.

This (writing) is a huge stress for me. I first started trying to do NaNoWriMo five years ago. I’ve never made it out of the first week. I consider myself a writer so that’s always stuck in my craw. When it comes to making up a story, I just get stuck. I’ve written a few short stories, you know, like fan fiction, but I’ve never written anything longer. Oh I take that back. When I was about 18 or 19 I wrote an entire Star Trek fan fiction novel. That was way back in the days before fan fiction was really a thing.

Do you know what fan fiction is? Fan fiction or fanfiction is about characters or settings from works of original fiction by the creators of say, a TV show, created by fans of that work. An example might be the television show Buffy the Vampire. Fans of Buffy love the show and characters so much that they write original fiction set in the Buffy universe with the characters from the Buffy universe to add to the Buffy universe stories they’d like to see take place. Perhaps they want two characters to fall in love or maybe to fight. Maybe they want to kill a character off or want a different story line to happen. Or maybe they’d like to introduce a new original character of their own to the universe.

It’s easy to see that people who write fan fiction love what they’re doing. I found that writing it gave me an emotional release that I would not have otherwise have had.

Emotional release – Maybe that’s a good reason for me to start writing it again. I’m not sure I’m in love with a television show enough right now to do that. It requires an intimate knowledge of the show (it can also be novel or other form of story) so I’d have to familiarize myself with shows much more than I currently am.

I’m already super busy with school so while I’ve thought about writing one, I just don’t think I have time to write a full blown story. Although, they do have what is called a “one off” where the fan fiction author only writes a short story that can be just a few hundred words and is self-contained… it is just a few paragraphs and usually is something that occurred to the author that they wanted to share but that wasn’t going to be a long story. A “one off”.

If you’re looking for a place to channel your emotional overflow, perhaps you might consider writing some fan fiction. You remember the book/movie “50 Shades of Grey”? Fan fiction. Yeah.

Fan fiction can be for any age or in any genre. It can be happy or filled with angst. If you join a website like fanfiction.net you can classify your story by age group, genre, and type of story. So if you write a story that is G rated, you can rate it G. If you have lots of sex and violence you rate it M for just mature audiences.

Fanfiction.net has these categories: anime/manga, books, categories, cartoons, games, movies, plays/musicals, TV shows, and other misc. things you might think of. Check it out.

When I was married, depressed, at home with a baby and very lonely, I found fan fiction and subsequently spent many hours reading it while my husband, who was a tub boat captain and rarely home, was gone. It got to the point where I was so unhappy with I couldn’t wait to get back into the world of my current favorite fan fiction. It was an easy and free escape. Sometimes I read it on line, but back then (1993 or so) I printed a lot with my dot matrix printer so I could take care of Jessica and still read my stories. It may have saved my sanity for a while.

I highly recommend you check it out. Some is written very well, some not so much. You can even review the stories.

As a momentary escape from your daily stress, depression or whatever I recommend you try it out. You might it helpful. You might actually find yourself wanting to write some.

Bipolar – Scared

/ Robin

This might seem to some like a tivial concern, but I’m back in college again and tomorrow I have to recite a poem from memory. I’m so scared I’m having a really hard time. The unreasonable fear that I will mess up a poem I already have prepared. I get up there and can’t seem to remember how to start. Then I speed through making nervous mistakes. 

I need to have the strength and calmness to focus and relax… which with all the anxiety I’ve been having isn’t very easy.

Here’s a test run:

Lana Turner has collapsed 

I was trotting along and suddenly It started to rain and snow but you said it was hailing, but hailing hits you on the hard, so it was really snowing and raining and I was in such a hurry to meet you, but the traffic was acting exactly like the sky, and suddenly I see a headline

Lana Turner has collapsed!

There is no snow in Hollywood , there is no rain in California, I have been to lots of parties And acted perfectly disgraceful But I never actually collapsed 

Oh Lana Turner we love you, get up

We’ll I think I got it right. I think I did, I think I did.

After that I have a big test in biology. The teacher is so hard to follow. I hope I do at least okay. I’ll do my best, and if I’m not happy with it, I’ll just have to do better next time. 

I hope you have a good day. We can both try to remember to breathe. Breathe…

Bipolar Referral

/ Robin

I came across this blog the other day and I wanted to share it with you. It’s about Bipolar characters in fiction. Why characters with Mental Illness Matter

I’m not familar with any of the books listed so I can’t really recommend any of them, but the blog itself is really good.

Bipolar – Frustrating Anxiety

/ Robin

cell I flung open the curtains in the living room this morning and the big curtain came loose in the middle and crashed down on top of me. That was how I started my day, with a curtain on my head. Stress.

I’m very frustrated. I have a teacher that quizzes or tests us every week on stuff he hasn’t taught us about. I’m paying a lot of money to not learn anything. I’m not sure what to do. I have a pretty good GPA right now, but this class load is pretty challenging so I don’t know what it will be after the quarter. I have a tendency to want to get unrealistically grades. I’m being a perfectionist I guess. I’m struggling with anxiety over this five question quiz. Then next week we have a test.

I want to enjoy learning and going to school. I don’t want to use all my energy stressing out. I’m trying to be calm, not anxious. This class isn’t helping. I’m going to have to go and talk to the teacher and just tell him how I’ve been studying. I know other people are doing the same thing I’m doing. He has to know that we don’t know what he’s doing.

It’s like when my anxiety went ballistic a few weeks ago. No one was around with any answers to help me.

I’m watching the Seahawks Cardinals game. It’s in overtime and almost over. Seattle has a chance to win the game. Oops. These guys on the field are playing their hearts out. There we go. Tie game in overtime.

I want the same opportunity in my class but I don’t know how to get it.

I think I’ll take Bailey out to go to the bathroom. I need a break from my break.

I thought poetry was going to be my challenging class but this bloody biology class beats it hands down. I’ve been in a state of amped up anxiety since this class started.

So how to stop it. This sort of anxiety isn’t what I’m supposed to use my chill pills for. Sometimes I do have panic attacks while studying or in class, but this isn’t one of those situations.

I just want to quit trying. I feel like I’ve given it more than its share of effort and I need some down time.

I did actively do something both yesterday and today to lower my anxiety. I went for a 30-minute walk around the neighborhood. I’m still getting to know the area and I’m uncomfortable walking around where there are dogs in practically every other yard barking at us. I’m always worried that one will get out and attack us.

See how it is? I worry about anything.

The insurance company is talking about totaling my car. I can’t afford to replace it with a car in as good as condition as it is in. Stress.

I will focus on this quiz review stuff for a few more minutes and then I’ll do something else before bed. I’ll give myself a little extra time in the morning to review my notes a little bit more. Then I’m going to go to school and do my best. It’s all I can do at this point. I’ve even got a study partner and she can’t find the answers to the review questions either.

Crap.

Stress.

Anxiety.

I can do without it.

Bipolar – Learning to Live with Anxiety

/ Robin / 3 Comments

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Bipolar anxiety is no joke. I already live with a wicked mix of depression and mania and when you add to that general anxiety, well, I feel like I might just be out of luck. I was. For several months the pressure in my brain was so bad that I could hardly talk. I couldn’t get myself to go to the new grocery store near the house I’d just moved into by myself. Week after week I convinced my kids to go to the store with me even though we didn’t live together.

It couldn’t last forever. I knew I’d have to go to the store alone one day soon. None of the counseling was helping. I was walking and playing with my dog. That wasn’t helping. I was eating and cut caffeine out of my diet. Nothing. I took all my meds as prescribed every single day and I stopped taking my Ritalin—just in case it made some small difference. I started trying to meditate and practice mindfulness to no avail.

If you feel like you’re holding on for dear life… you are. Don’t let go. It can get better.

I was at the point where I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. I was overcome with despair.

I started taking Gabapentin and my symptoms got worse. My face developed Turrets like symptoms. They were violent and I was biting my tongue and cheeks. I couldn’t talk normally. I was scared. I know that ticks caused by medications can quickly become permanent.

I couldn’t get into see my doctor or my med provider. I was starting a new term in college and I was freaking out. I’m still trying to relearn how to learn. I went to community college some 30 years ago. It’s difficult.

I talked with the triage nurse on the phone since I couldn’t get in to talk to anyone. She told me to stop taking the Gabapentin immediately.

Then the med provider told me to take my chill pill twice a day if I needed to and to go back on the Ritalin at least once a day. Slowly, day by day, and doing all the other things I was already doing to help myself, I started to calm down. The Gabapentin scare really freaked me out. I thought I was losing my last hold on reality. I felt like an alien, unable to breathe the air around me.

I suffer from chronic back pain and I’m see a new pain management doctor now. While all this was going on she was treating me like she was going to take away my pain meds because she thought I was abusing them… which I wasn’t. They just counted the pills wrong. Not my fault. That added a massive amount of stress to me too.

Today I go to the grocery store—when I’m totally out of everything, but at least I go. I’m not freaking out about school, not yet anyway. And I’m finally sleeping a little better.

Then I was in a car accident on my way to a school event. Side swiped. My car is totaled. I like my car. It’s a good car. I know I won’t get enough money from the insurance company to get one as good as this one. Stress. Anxiety. Take a pill. Remember what it feels like to calm down. Never abuse my meds. Especially not my chill pill or my pain pills.

It’s time for me to do homework now. I stress and have anxiety over homework. I’ll take a chill pill and wait for it to work before I sit down to do some serious writing.

Anxiety is like a beast that has already pounced and has its claws plunged clean through you. Believe me when I say that the claws can be removed. It is slow and painful, but it can be done. So don’t give up. There’s hope for you too.